(Continued) Episode 4: The Bathroom and the Plan

[It's the next day and Paul, Justin, and Ryan are outside of the Library. There's a big sign on the library that reads Welcome to Freshmen Orientation. There are many, many students walking around with their parents.]

Paul: Okay, we need a place that isn't too conspicuous yet a place with a lot of exposure.

Ryan: Where's Elliot?

Justin: He said he was coming.

Paul: Let's just start without him. Besides, he's got the big assignment tonight.

[Justin pulls out a rolled up banner and Paul and Justin unroll it and hang it up over a table already set up. The banner reads: Freshmen Orientation Tours. Ryan hangs up a smaller sign that reads See the campus by touring with upper classmen. Sign up now!]

Paul: So I used the President's bathroom this morning. I took a nap and did a crossword on the couch in there.

Justin: Don't you think you're taking this a bit far?

Paul: What are you scared of? If I use something they replace it every hour. I ate all the chocolates and cashews and hid in the stall until the President's cleaning lady came and refilled it. It was awesome!

[Elliot walks up]

Elliot: Hey guys.

Paul: Hey buddy.

Justin: Hey.

Ryan: So did you get that procedure done at the ear doctor place?

Elliot: (confused) Tractor?

Paul: He asked you about getting that procedure where they stick the cotton in your ear canal.

Elliot: Well I don't drink, but I guess I could come along.

Justin: (quietly; not moving his mouth) Hey Elliot, can you hear me?

[Elliot looks around--oblivious]

Justin: (not moving his mouth) Guys, he's just guessing what we're talking about. We can totally mess with him and he won't even know what we're saying.

Paul: Hey Elliot, I saw President Bush in the bathroom--he tells me he wants you as the Secretary of Wuss.

Elliot: (not sure) A Phillips head screwdriver? Naw, I don't have one.

Justin: (trying not to laugh) Elliot, you look like a weasel with a she-beard.

Elliot: (trying not to act unsure) Well...I was thinking that too.

Ryan: (laughing) Elliot, your peanut butter hat has a toothbrush in the middle of Kansas.

Elliot: Okay...guys, do you remember when I told you that I had to have that procedure done? Well I'll be honest, I didn't hear anything you just said. Ryan, it sounded like you were talking about a toothbrush in Kansas.

--

[a half hour later at the table, there's a line with students in it waiting to sign up.]

Justin: Okay listen up every body! Our friend Paul has just taken out a group of 30 students and parents. But you're in luck, Ryan here is going to take the next 40 freshmen out on a tour and then five minutes after that I'll take out a group. Elliot here will stay at the table if any of you have questions.

[Ryan and Justin look at each other a smile. Ryan pulls Justin aside.]

Ryan: Hey, I know we've been planning this out and everything but I don't recall us ever talking about what we would actually do if people wanted a tour of the campus. I have no idea where to take these people.

Justin: That's the best part! You have to show them the things that they wouldn't expect to see on a tour. Make them scared and confused--it'll be awesome.

Ryan: Oh, all right. So where did Paul take his group?

--

[Paul is with his group of freshmen.]

Paul: I like to order a number 7. It's the best on the menu by far. But what I do is ask for a little packet of ranch and BAM! You got yourself a ranch burger.

student 1: Paul, why are we at a Carl's Junior?

student 2: Yeah, we're not even on campus.

Paul: (defensive) Well, if you knew anything at all, you'd realize that this is where the cool kids get their lunch. I'm just trying to help you guys not be so loserish.

student 3: So then why are you our guide?

[everyone laughs]

Paul: (angry) You don't think I'm cool? Well rookie, you're in for a rough go here at college! Believe me!

student 4: (anonymous from the crowd) I believe you suck!

--

[Ryan has his group of students]

Ryan: And on the right we have some more dorm rooms. Now I want everyone of you to look at the person next to you. Go ahead, look. (pause) Now one of you is going to end up going home because they're just not college material.

student 1: Really? Why?

Ryan: You didn't know? The statistics show that 55% of freshmen quit after the first week and another 35% fail out their first semester. Most people just aren't cut out for college. Judging from this group, I'd say about 3 or 4 might make it.

student 2: Serious?

Ryan: Oh, I'm dead serious. So if you have any doubt whatsoever, or if you just developed some doubt just now, I'd pack it up and go home. You don't want to humiliate yourself--which you will if you stay.

--

[Justin's group]

Justin: [in front of the library] And here we have our library. It's not the biggest building on campus, but if I were you I'd avoid library use until you're a Junior.

student 1: Why's that?

Justin: Well, it's good for you and everything, but the thing is the hazing just isn't worth it.

student 2: Hazing?

Justin: Yeah, if you go into the library and you're a freshmen they make you where a yellow vest so everyone knows that you're a freshmen--and then the upper classmen go to town on you.

student 3: That's not true, is it?

Justin: I had a roomate who got shaved and had to wear a diaper to school for a month.

[everyone gasps]

Justin: Another guy I knew got duct taped to the revolving door in the Jefferson building. He got so sick he quit school. [more gasps] Trust me, just avoid the library...and the bookstore. And just avoid walking on campus in general.

student 4: Can't we do something to throw off the hazers?

Justin: Well, only upper classman are on the swim team and so I've known people who shave every hair on their heads--cause you know, that's what the swimmers do...male and female. And not one of them was hazed.

student 5: (excited) No way!

[the students look excited]

--

[back to the table where Elliot is sitting there alone]

student 1: Excuse me but where is the Harmon building?

Elliot: Just west of the Administration building. [student walks away]

student 2: Where can I find a schedule of the football games?

Elliot: Just west of the Administration building. [student walks away]

student 3: Hey, do you know when the freshmen orientation dance is?

Elliot: Just west of the Administration building. [student walks away]

[Paul, Justin, and Ryan walk up]

Paul: (loud) What are you doing?

Elliot: Well, I figured that everyone comes up here to ask me for directions, so I've been sending them all to the maintenance building.

Justin: Right on. (loud) Are you ready for tonight?

Elliot: Yeah, I have the rope and I'm ready to go.

--

[3:00 in the morning. Elliot sneaks into the freshmen dorms with a bunch of rope. The halls are empty and the lights are out.]

--

[the next morning at 7:00 am in the freshmen dorms]

[all of the doors have rope tied to the door knobs with the other end tied to the door knob on the door across the hall way.]

[inside a dorm room]

student 1: [with all the hair on his head shaved] I can't get the door open! We're locked in here!

student2: [with suitcase in hand] But my mom's coming to get me in 10 minutes! I hate college! I hate it!

--

[The next day at work. Justin, Paul, Ryan and Elliot are there.]

Justin: So how'd it go?

Elliot: Well, just as planned. I stopped by there this morning as they were starting to wake up and none of them could get out of their rooms. One guy tried to make an escape rope out of his sheets but it wasn't long enough. It was sweet!

Paul: So were our tours. I took mine to the mall and then I ditched them. I don't think any of them knew which way it was to campus--they're probably still there.

Ryan: I think my group is already home. I made 20% of my students cry.

Justin: Mine are probably thankful to be locked in their dorms right now so they don't get duct taped to a garbage truck.

Elliot: Well I gotta go to the bathroom the cotton needs to come out and I'm supposed to flush them with water.

Paul: Hey, c'mon--I'll show you the master suite.

--

[The President's bathroom]

Paul: (loud) Those fake tours were the single greatest prank of our generation. No one will top us for years!

Elliot: Well not after I roped them in the dorm rooms. I can't believe we out-smarted this whole dumb university! I mean, look at us! We even out smarted the President out of his holy bathroom!

[Paul and Elliot laugh]

[The "closet" stall opens and the President walks out]

President: (to Paul and Elliot) Well I'm glad you're smart enough to yell out the confession of who took our freshmen on those fake tours. And incarcerating 2500 students; if that's not worthy of legal admiration than I don't know what is. Let's go boys.

Elliot: Did you say something about a scholarship?

Paul: Can I at least use your face moisturizer before we go?

President: No.

Paul: But my lips are parched!

President: (to himself while he's dragging them out) Why are boys the dumbest creatures on earth? I wish all you boys were women--women don't have to deal with IQs that max out at 70.

the end

Episode 4: The Bathroom and the Plan


[Paul, Justin, Elliot, and Ryan in the Registration Office at the University]

Elliot: This is the best idea we've ever had

Paul: I can't believe we didn't think about this earlier.

Justin: We will go down in university history as geniuses. And it won't even be for any scholastic achievement.

Ryan: Yeah, that is if we don't chicken out first.

[Missy and Mandy enter and everyone gets real quiet]

Missy: Boys...what were you just talking about?

Paul: (searching) Oh, well about...uh--

Justin: About Rodney's good-bye party.

Missy: That's nice of you guys.

Mandy: Oh yeah, when is his last day?

Missy: This Friday. I'm so sad he's leaving.

Mandy: Me too.

Missy: Oh well, we better get to that meeting--we're late.

[They put their stuff on their desks and leave again]

Ryan: Whew! That was close. I thought they caught us.

Elliot: What? What did you say?

Ryan: I said: I thought they caught us.

Elliot: You bought a Taurus?

Ryan: Are you deaf?

Justin: No man, he's got a big-time inner ear infection in both ears. He's trying to get it fixed but Missy told him to wait and do it during the summer break.

Paul: Why?

Justin: Well, cause all we do here is answer phones and talk to people at the window. If he has the doctors do what they want to he won't be able to hear or talk to anybody. They put some magic lotion on his eardrums and then insert cotton deep in his ear canals. He'll be even less able to hear.

[Elliot gets up to walk over to the closet but gets tipsy and falls into Missy's desk and knocks stuff over]

Elliot: Sorry, it's the inner ear infection. Vertigo. heh heh.

Ryan: You gotta get that checked out man. You look like a drunk figure skater.

Paul: Yeah, if it's in your inner ear Missy won't be able to see the cotton.

Elliot: Okay. Don't tell anyone, but I'm going in later today to get it done.

Ryan: Crap! I just thought of something.

Justin: What?

Ryan: We have to throw Rodney a surprise party now.

Paul, Justin and Elliot: Dang it.

Paul: Hey guys, I'll be right back--cover my phone okay?

--

[Paul enters the restroom. The restroom has two urinals and one stall.]

[He walks in and looks in the mirror at first then slowly turns towards a urinal. Just then a man rushes into the stall. Paul gets wide-eyed and runs out.]

--

[back in the office]

Paul: [coming in] I can't take this!

Justin: What?

Paul: Every time I go into the bathroom in a public place I freak out. I think I have some sort of problem.

Ryan: Are you scared of water or something?

Paul: No!

Justin: You're scared of zippers huh? I had a cousin who has to wear sweats all the time.

Paul: No, I freak out if other people are in there. Think about what you're doing. And if you're a guy in a public place another guy is doing his thing a foot and a half away from you. And most of the time the divider is so short you could just look over it if you wanted to. I wouldn't even feel comfortable with that in my own house with someone there, let alone in public place with some guy that smells like meat loaf whizzing next to me.

Ryan: I once had a guy try to strike up conversation with me while we were doing our thing. What kind of conversation are you supposed to have under those circumstances? "So, everything coming out okay?"

Justin: I hear you man. I mean, I'm not freakishly petrified like Paul is, but what I hate is when a guy comes in to do...ya know--the big deal. I can't just be in there with that going on.

Paul: I know! That's what just happened to me! And he ran in.

Elliot: Oh, that can't be good.

Paul: So here I am, and I can't go pee because there's some guy in the bathroom. I hate this!

Ryan: You know that the President upstairs has his own bathroom.

Paul: Oh man, I would literally kill a person for that.

Elliot: Seriously? Death over whizzing? That's barbaric. I'll bet barbarians are the only people who killed about whizzing. Ghengis Khan, that's who you are.

Paul: Okay, not "kill"...but possibly "rough up".

Justin: (quietly) Paul! The head custodial closet is open across the hall.

Paul: So?

Justin: He has extra keys to every room in the building. You could take the President's bathroom key.

Ryan: What? What if he walks in--or worse, what if he runs in and finds Paul sitting there? Tell me how that would end.

Justin: He's never in his office, let alone his bathroom.

[Paul jolts out the door and runs across the hall into the closet. He comes out with keys and runs up the stairs.]

Justin: So back to our plans. Are you guys in?

Elliot: I don't know, if I can't hear how am I gonna do it?

Ryan: You're chickening out!

Elliot: I'm mimicking a cow?

Ryan: No!

Justin: (louder than normal) Well what if you do the evening job?

Elliot: Okay, okay, okay...I'm in.

--

[Paul looks around super-cautiously as he unlocks the door to the bathroom and enters.]

[He looks around. There's classical music playing and artwork on the walls. It has wood paneling on the walls and maroon carpet on the floor. There's baskets of flowers, chocolates, and an ice chest with bottled water on a table. There's a leather couch and a urinal on the wall. Paul opens what looks like a closet and it's the stall.]

--

[back in the office]

Paul: He's got a heated seat! I didn't even need to, but I sat on it for ten minutes and read the Washington Post while my feet were in the foot massager. It's like another world in there.

Justin: (laughing) The wonderful world of whizzing.

Ryan: (laughing) The porcelain palace of pee.

Elliot: (laughing) The closet of...broken dreams.

Justin: (not laughing) Do you even know what we're talking about? Can you even hear us?

Elliot: I thought so.

Justin: Let's hope not.

--

to be continued

Episode 3: The Football Game (continued)

[setting: College football game. Rodney and Paul are painted blue. Rodney has a white "n" and Paul has a white apostrophe "t" on their torsos. They have plastic megaphones.]

Paul: I WILL PUNCH YOUR LEG 24!!! YOU WILL CRY LIKE YOUR GRANDMA WHEN I PUSHED HER DOWN AT THE GROCERY STORE LAST WEEK!!! OH HOW SHE WEPT!!!

Rodney: Paul, you are opening up my eyes to the possibilities of being a rabid fan. I never knew that you could effect the course of the game like you have.

Paul: Rodney my young friend, I have never been one to boast, but I am the single greatest fan on the face of the earth. No one has the instincts and the pure passion that I possess.

Rodney: So what can I do to become a better fan? Should I curse?

Paul: No, no...that's not necessary. You just have to yell disturbing things that, if heard, would send the player into whirlwind of emotion and cause him to question life itself. Why don't we practice?

[they turn back to the field to yell into their megaphones]

Paul: HEY #35! I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU AFTER THE GAME!!! WE WILL TAKE TURNS PUNCHING EACH OTHER AND I WILL BEAT YOU!!! YOUR NOSE WILL LOOK LIKE A PIECE OF ROTTEN CABBAGE!!! (to Rodney) Go ahead.

Rodney: um....#56! YOU LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE A WOODEN LEG!!! I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM!!! YOU SHOULD GET THAT CHECKED OUT!

[Rodney looks at Paul for approval]

Paul: uh...that wasn't very good at all. You sounded like a senile old man.

Rodney: Hold on, I can do better. (turns to the field) HEY #44!!! I BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE THE WORST PERSON TO PLAY FOOTBALL FOR YOUR PARTICULAR UNIVERSITY!!! ...AND YOU SMELL LIKE VINEGAR AND A DEAD GOAT !

Paul: Okay....a little better.

--

[somewhere else in the stands--Justin, Coralie (his financee) and her parents are watching the game.]

Father: Wow, this is quite the defensive struggle.

Justin: (concerned and nervous) Yeah, who'd of thought that in the third quarter the score would be 3-0. (shaking his head) Not a touchdown the whole day.

Mother: So Justin, you're graduating with what degree?

Justin: Um...I'm not too sure right now. I'm still trying to, uh...ya know, figure it out.

Father: So you're 24 and you don't know what you're majoring in? hmm! By the time I was your age I was a partner at a law firm. A man without a plan is just a boy.

Coralie: Dad. (Gives him a look) He's thinking about a career in marketing, aren't you honey?

Mother: Marketing? Like doing billboards? I despise those smutty things.

Father: Perverted. That's what those public signs are. It takes a real pervert to think up those ads.

Justin: Actually I was thinking about doing commercials.

Coralie: (encouraging) Tell them about your commercial ideas, honey.

Justin: (hesitant) Okay, well I really like thinking about what commercial I would do for a particular product. Like the other day I was thinking about Mug Root Beer. I'd show a bunch of people getting their mug shots taken at a police station and they're all drinking Mug Root Beer. And then at the end it says, "If you have a mug, we have your root beer."

[Coralie's parents look totally unamused.]

Mother: Why would criminals have soda?

Father: So you're saying that root beer is for felons and crooks? That's perverted.

Justin: (turns to the field) Hey look at that, we fumbled on the 10 yard line.

--

[Back to Paul and Rodney]

Rodney: #88!!! YOU HAVE NOT CAUGHT A PASS ALL DAY AND I THINK YOUR TEAM IS GOING TO LOSE BECAUSE OF YOUR POOR PERFORMANCE!!! YOUR ARMS LOOK LIKE THEY'RE MADE OF EAZY CHEESE!!!

Paul: YOUR GIRLFRIEND CALLED--SHE SAID SHE WANTS TO DATE SOMEONE MORE MANLY--SO SHE'S GONNA DATE A MALE CHEERLEADER!!! SUCKA!!!

Rodney: (laughing to Paul) That was awesome!!!

Paul: (laughing) So was your's!

(all the guys in the human billboard congratulate Paul and Rodney)

Paul: (to the entire student section) Okay, when we score a touchdown and beat these punks, we're gonna rush the field!!!

[everyone gets fired up and yells in agreement.]

Rodney: But Paul, it's the fourth quarter and there's only 3 minutes to go and the other team has the ball. Besides, we haven't scored all game.

Paul: (serious) Well my friend, that's all about to change. We'll have to attack their team where it matters most...the quarterback.

Rodney: (amazed) No!

Paul: HEY #14!!!

[the quarterback drops back to pass]

Paul: THE MAYOR CALLED AND TOLD ME THAT YOUR PARENTS JUST GOT IN A BRUTAL CAR WRECK AND DIED!!!

[The quarterback jerks and the pass is way off and it gets intercepted. The player scampers towards the touchdown and scores as Paul, Rodney, and company go crazy.]

--

[back to Justin and Coralie and her parents--everyone is celebrating]

Father: YES!!! [high fives his wife and Coralie but not Justin]

[everyone is ecstatic]

Justin: (faking enthusiasm) Wow! We're gonna win! Exciting! (to Coralie's parents) So I proposed to Coralie and she said "yes." We were thinking about getting married in December.

[her parents calm down quickly--while the rest of the crowd slowly settles down]

Mother: What?! (to Coralie) You want to be the wife of a perverted commercial maker?

Father: (to Justin) Were you attempting to slip this information by us right after a touchdown so we wouldn't notice?

Justin: (scared) What? No. Huh? Why would I do that?

Father: What, you think we're idiots? (to Coralie) You're not marrying the crappy commercial guy.

Justin: (looking at the field) Go team! Yeah! We can't lose!

Father: Listen pal, you're not gonna sneak in a proposal here.

Justin: (innocently) What? I'm sorry, what are you talking about?

Father: You can't just act like we didn't hear what you said!

[Justin pauses, thinking about what to do]

Justin: (holding back the tears) I'm gonna go get a hot dog. Anybody want one?

--

[back to Paul and Rodney]

Paul: There's thirty seconds left to victory!!!

Rodney: But they're about to score.

Paul: (grabs Rodney) No. No they're not! C'mon man! (to the crowd) Remember, we're rushing the field when we win!!!

[the clock is down to 15 seconds as the opposing running back heads toward the touchdown. Suddenly, the running back fumbles the ball and the home team picks it up and runs toward their end zone. The crowd is going crazy.]

[the clock is down under 10 second and the defensive player is still trying to score. Paul decides he's going to lead the rush of the field. Paul hops over the retaining bar and avoids security guards and runs out onto the field--leading the rush of the field]

[he gets to the 50 yard line and jumps around shouting "victory!" When all of the sudden:)

Stadium Announcer: (echoing throughout the stadium) PLEASE GET OFF THE FIELD!

[Paul seems to snap out of his rejoicings and looks around. He's all alone on the field. He looks at the clock and it's stopped at 2 seconds. The players are standing around looking at him]

Stadium Announcer: YOU, THE BLUE MAN ON THE 50 YARD LINE--PLEASE LEAVE THE FIELD AT ONCE!

--

[back at the office: Rodney, Paul, and Justin are standing by Elliot]

Elliot: So what did you do?

Paul: I ran to the other side of the field and hopped over the guard rail somehow and sat down. But when I looked around I found that I was sitting right in the middle of the other team's alumni section. So these old people are just staring at me as I'm waiting for 2 seconds to run off the clock.

Justin: So were you on the rush of the field when we finally won?

Paul: Well, not really. I hopped down and tried to join everyone else but the linebacker on the other team saw me running toward the field--so he dipped his beastly shoulder and dropped me like stone. I had a mild concussion and a bloody nose but such wounds are common to warriors of victory!

Rodney: (to Justin) What about you? How did Coralie's parents take your proposition?

Justin: Well, it's funny you ask. Right when I was coming back from getting a hot dog and having a good cry, I see this blue guy running out on the field. Everyone was laughing so hard--especially Coralie's father. So I say to him, "You know what's crazy? I know that guy!" And then he laughed even harder. So then I say, "Ya know Bruce, about that marriage thing--" and he says, "Justin, you're all right. Just let us know what we can do to help."

Rodney: Well look at that!

Paul: (sarcastically) Well I'm glad my being exiled from all sporting events forever was able to be the deciding factor in your engagement.

Justin: I appreciate it pal.

Paul: Well it took a good deal of crazy to get it done.

Justin: And it seems like you're the guy to turn to for a good batch of crazy.

the end

I loved He-Man when I was younger. I still do. But that Skeletor must be defeated.

Episode 3 The Football Game

[Setting: The Registration Office. Elliot, Rodney, Justin, Mandy, and Missy are there.]

[no one is talking--everyone is waiting for a topic to come up]

Rodney: (bursts out) I'm glad I'm not a woman.

Missy: So are we.

Rodney: No, I mean, women have to do so many things that I just don't want to do.

Elliot: I totally agree.

Justin: Me too.

Missy: (somewhat offended) Like what?

Mandy: (also a little offended) Yeah, like what?

Justin: Well, there's the whole child birth thing. I feel guilty, but conceiving and delivering a child is not that taxing on a guy. My wife will be going through this huge ordeal while I'm there just kind of hanging around waiting for my kid to come out. I don't think it's fair but I wouldn't want to switch roles.

Missy: Well that's an obvious one.

Rodney: But also, women have to deal with small shirts.

Mandy: Rodney, that's because women are typically smaller than men.

Rodney: No, I meant the length. Look at any girl's shirt and you'll find that it ends where the pants begin--often times sooner. So a woman always has to be thinking about how her backside looks. I mean, if I were changed to a women right now, I'd be so self-conscious about my flat backside, but what can I do? Do I wear a trench coat? Or maybe I try to make wearing a bath robe popular? I certainly can't tie a sweater around my waist--then it looks like I'm hiding two Christmas hams in my pants. Men can just cover it up with FUBU shirt and they look like P. Diddy.

Mandy: Well, I guess that's true.

Elliot: My big thing is that women are left with the impossible task of having to find men attractive. I obviously couldn't do it, but I still can't see how your gender can. Honestly I don't think that women really find men attractive. I mean, I don't even look in the mirror unless I absolutely have to. Men are hairy and stinky and just generally bad looking.

Mandy: What about Brad Pitt?

Elliot: (quickly) Well, besides him--he's beautiful.

[Justin and Rodney look at him like "what?"]

Elliot: (justifying himself) My wife thinks he is. (pause as Justin and Rodney snicker) What? I don't find him really good looking, I can just see how people might think he's attractive. (pause) Have you seen Legends of the Fall? C'mon! He's HOT!

Justin: Sounds like you're not so convinced being a woman is a bad thing.

Elliot: Shut up.

Rodney: So Justin, are you coming with me to the football game tomorrow?

Justin: I don't know Rodney, you're style of watching a game and my style are completely different.

Elliot: How can you have a style of watching a football game?

Justin: Well Rodney likes to get 9 other guys and paint their bodies blue and then write white letters on their torsos that spell out "we can't lose".

Elliot: The old "human billboard of victory." Grown men without shirts, painted like the Blue Man Group, yelling obscenities at some other grown men who are playing a game. It's beautiful, it's like a mixture between Halloween and the 3rd grade.

Rodney: Yeah, well we gave Justin the most important letter--the apostrophe "t" and when he chickened out and put on his shirt our human message of victory read: "we can lose." Can! That's as lame as if painted guys spelled out "we're wusses."

Elliot: The humiliation of that should be enough to put a grown man painted blue into a coma.

Justin: Well then, my answer to your earlier question is no. I'm not going to the game with you tomorrow.

Rodney: Elliot, what about you? You want to be our apostrophe "t"?

Elliot: Oh I'm not ridin' that crazy train.

Justin: Rodney I would but I promised Coralie that I'd go with her and her parents to the game.

Missy: Justin, have you two told her parents that you're getting married yet?

Justin: Well, I was thinking about doing it tomorrow sometime, but I don't know.

Mandy: I don't see why you're so scared to do it.

Justin: Coralie said that when her older sister's eventual husband asked her parents if he could marry their daughter they made him cry. And I don't like crying in front of adults.

Elliot: You know what you should do? Tell her parents right after a big touchdown. Emotions would be high and they'd agree to anything.

Justin: That could work--they are really big fans. I bet they'll be so excited they won't even know what's going on. (pauses to consider it) I'm going to do it.

Elliot: Trust me--it works. I did it in high school with my parents all the time. After a really good episode of Family Matters I got them to agree to have my little sister move out so that I could use her room as a recording studio.

[Paul enters]

Rodney: (super cheery) Paaauuuul! Hey man! Good to see you! How are you doing?

Paul: (suspicious) Good. Why are you acting like I'm about to pass out money?

Rodney: What? I'm always glad to see you.

Missy: Especially before game day.

Paul: What does that mean?

Rodney: Okay, here's the deal. We need an apostrophe "t". And I think you could be it.

Paul: Okaaay. (pause) Rodney, I think you might be wrong in the head.

Rodney: For the football game tomorrow--we're spelling out a message of victory.

Paul: (perks up) Football?! O I don't know if you want this mad cow on your human billboard. I get really, really into football games. I was kicked out of every single home game in my high school. Once for shooting off a flare gun at a player, twice for depants-ing opposing football players, and another time for stealing the other team's cheerleading squad--amongst other things.

Rodney: (serious) Paul, we need you. We're lacking in experience....we have a couple rookies in the billboard that keep screwing us up (gives a subtle point of the finger toward Justin).

Paul: (to Rodney) Oh yeah, he doesn't have what it takes.

Justin: Guys I can hear you...I'm right here.

Rodney: So you'll do it?

Paul: Not only will I do it...but you're about to see how much crazy it takes to win!


to be continues

Episode 2: The Putter and the Mullet (continued)

[Justin, Elliot, and Mandy (the office next door's manager) are in the office]

Elliot: Justin, quick question, important question...which is better, Cap'n Crunch or Golden Grahams?

Justin: Oh, Golden Grahams definitely, no contest.

Elliot: See, that's funny, cause I'm a Cap'n Crunch man.

Justin: (amazed) Really?

Elliot: Oh, all the way. Me and the Cap'n...make it happen.

Mandy: I don't know how you can eat that stuff. It tears up the roof of my mouth, ugh, I hate it.

Elliot: But gotta admit that Berry Crunch is bursting with flavor.

Mandy: (almost to herself) It's bursting with something.

Justin: Have you ever tried brushing your teeth after eating it? You can't even penetrate the wall of Cap'n Crunch to get to the teeth, it's like brushing a layer of hard sugar. It stays on at least 'til dinner.

Mandy: It's true.

Elliot: (condescending) Oh, and like Golden Grahams doesn't have a lot of sugar.

[Rodney walks in upset with some Cheetos]

Elliot: Hey buddy.

Rodney: (disgusted) Ladies and gentlemen--look at this! [holds up his little Cheetos bag] I am sickened!

Mandy: I know, that's like 60 grams of fat in your hand. You might as well be holding a handful of Crisco. Gross!

Rodney: No, no, no, no. It's not a J-Dawg hot dog. I need a Wonderdog from J-Dawg's. Not having one throws off my rhythm! And if I have no rhythm you can bet I'll be all over the place!

Elliot: Nobody wants that.

Justin: Just grab one at the Scoreboard Grill.

Rodney: It's NOT A J-DAWG! It doesn't have the enlarged bun, the special sauce, and all of those wondrous toppings! Oh, the toppings my friends! In that little outhouse-styled shack lay all of my lunchtime dreams.

Elliot: So, why don't you have a J-Dawg?

Rodney: (long sigh) I went to J-Dawg's and ordered a Wonderdawg and continued on to the Condiment Cart. I put on sauerkraut, banana peppers, pickles, mango relish, everything! But when I started putting extra toppings in my "extra toppings cup,"--like I always do--the guy came out of his shack and started chewing me out!

Mandy: Rodney, you can't just take a bunch of toppings, they're not exactly free.

Rodney: That's exactly what he said! Anyway, he took my dog and told me I was on the J-Dawg blacklist. It's over!

Justin: If you want one so bad why don't you just go back in disguise?

Elliot: (joking) Yeah, you could go as an ambiguously mulleted student. They always make people feel awkward so that guy wouldn't even look at you!

[Rodney gets a look that says: "That could work" and runs out]

Mandy: Why doesn't he just get a friend to get one for him?

--

[Paul and Jessica outside of Trafalga]

Paul: Hey thanks for coming with me. Last time I was crazy cause earlier I went to Taco Bell and they messed up my order and...well, it was just a rough day.

Jessica: Oh.

Paul: Anyway, thanks for coming with me again.

Jessica: (suspiciously) You're not going to weigh my putter are you?

Paul: What? No, of course not.

[Two people are approaching in the distance]

Jessica: Oh, Paul I forgot to tell you that I invited my roomate and her boyfriend to come play with us. Is that okay? My roommate is so nice and her boyfriend is hilarious--he's a lot of fun.

Paul: Sure, no big deal.

[the two people walk up]

Jessica: Hey! Paul this is Tammie and her boyfriend Roy.

Paul: Roy?

Roy: Yeah, that's right. (joking) Well I'm really looking forward to whoopin' up on all of y'all! The putting greens shall run red. Ha ha.

Tammie: (joking with him) Yeah, right.

Paul: (trying to hold back his competitiveness) So Roy, you uh...a big mini-golf player then?

Roy: A big mini-golf player? That's like saying are you a huge watch maker.

[Jessica, Tammie, and Roy all laugh hard. Paul is not amused]

Paul: What about Big Ben, that's a huge watch?

[the other three stop laughing and an awkward pause ensues]

--

[setting: on the street by J-Dawg's. Some people are milling around and Rodney walks up in a mullet wig, a flannel shirt and pants that are tight by the shoes. He doesn't have his glasses on.]

Rodney: (in a slightly higher voice) Hellooo. I'm just here for a Wonderdawg.

[The guy gives him a suspicious eye]

J-Dawg employee: (suspiciously) I haven't seen you before. Did you say Wonderdawg?

Rodney: (awkwardly) I just want one, I hear they're scrumptious and I would like to purchase one for myself...if that's okay.

[The employee hesitantly starts to get him one. Another guy customer (a nerdy looking guy) is looking at Rodney. Rodney smiles at him and lowers his head]

--

[At hole #1 at the mini-golf course]

Roy: (joking) Look at this club! The blue rubber--it's over, I never lose with the blue rubber.

[girls laugh]

Paul: Color? (chuckles to himself) Color. Let me tell you, color does not matter my friend--it's the grip that is king of the mini-golf kingdom.

Roy: Grip?

Paul: (sees an advantage) Yeah, that's right. ...tell me Roy, do you favor the Western Douglas grip or the Thompson?

Roy: (kind of annoyed) Who cares?

[Roy goes to putt]

Paul: Hey Roy! You look like a lumberjack on ice skates!

[Roy shoots him a look]

Paul: (innocently) I'm only saying.

[Roy hits a hole in one]

Roy: (celebrating) Oh my goodness! (to Paul) Looks like the lumberjack just chopped down the "golfing tree!"

[girls laugh]

Paul: What does that even mean? Golfing tree?

[girls laugh again]

Paul: (cocky) Well, if you could get better than a hole in one--I'd show you how it's done.

[steps up to the hole]

Paul: (condescending) Notice how my body is in perfect balance. The grip, the control, and the desire all in perfect harmony.

[everyone rolls their eyes]

[Paul hits it and the ball bounces off the green and into the water]

Roy: Omigosh! You looked like a walrus with a hernia!

[everyone laughs]

Paul: (about to completely lose it) ROY'S A FUNNY GUY!!!

--

[Back to J-Dawg's. The nerdy guy outside the shack is talking to Rodney--Rodney is awkward]

Guy: So, you a fan of the Wonderdawg? [checks out Rodney--head to toe]

Rodney: They're nice.

Guy: You know, I could buy your's for you.

Rodney: (perks up...thinks about it then continues) Okay. I would appreciate that.

Guy: (to the employee) I'll pick up the tab on this one (motioning to Rodney and handing the employee a buck.)

Rodney: That's nice of you (as he's handed his Wonderdawg)

Guy: So if you're not doing anything I could take you out on a date this Friday.

Rodney: Oh, I'm sorry. I really can't. I go to sleep at six.

Guy: I could take you to the Brick Oven. (puts his hand on Rodney's shoulder and then down his arm)

Rodney: (really awkwardly) That's okay, I'll let you leave now.

Guy: Oh I don't have to leave. (goes to stroke Rodney's hair and the mullet wig comes off]

Rodney: (in his normal voice) There! I'm a dude! You happy? I hope this changes things!

[The Guy considers what to do]

J-dawg employee: Hey! I told you never to come back! Give me that Wonderdawg!

Rodney: NEVER!!! [he grabs a ton of toppings and runs away]

--

[mini-golf; hole 17: a windmill--Paul is up]

Paul: (to Roy) If I make it through the windmill and sink this putt, I'll be one stroke back--and I NEVER miss on 18!

[hits the ball and right as it nears the door the blade of the windmill knocks it out of the way]

[everyone tries not to laugh]

Paul: I can't believe this!

[hits it again and the same thing happens]

Paul: This hole is rigged!

[hits it again and the ball is once again knocked away]

[everyone bursts out in laughter]

Paul: (irate) The windmill's broken!!! I can't play this hole, there's a flippin' windmill in my way! It's like I'm in frickin' Holland! They don't even play mini-golf in Holland!

Roy: (laughing) He looks like Martha Stewart swingin' a garden hose! Do you want to use my blue rubber putter?

[Paul rushes over and grabs the putter]

Paul: You want me to use this?! You want me to use this?! Here--I'll use it!!

[he chucks it into the water. Some teenage "security guards" come out]

Security guard: I'm sorry sir, but you're not welcome here.

Paul: I'm blacklisted?!

Security guard: I'm sorry, but yes.

Paul: (getting dragged away) I'll come back! I'll come in disguise!!!

[in the parking lot]

Paul: (to Jessica) So, can you believe Roy? What a cheater!

Jessica: I have to go home Paul. I'm really sleepy.

Paul: It's 8 o'clock!

Jessica: (pauses) It's over, I'm sorry....you're crazy.

[she walks away]

The End

Here I am at my job--working hard, thinking hard. 

Episode 2: The Putter and the Mullet

[setting: the office window where Rodney and Justin are staring out at someone in the hall]

Rodney: Female.

Justin: (shaking his head) Male. And I hope you're not thinking about asking him out.

Rodney: There's no way that's a man.

Justin: Why not? Look at the guy's jeans...that's a size 38 x 30, not a size 16. (pause) You know, I'm glad I don't have people taking bets on my gender. How could you feel comfortable with yourself if you look in the mirror every day and say, "Man, I look....disturbingly ambiguous today"?

Rodney: You know what the problem is? That unisex mullet. It throws everyone off.

Justin: Which brings up another interesting point. This person, along with the rest of the mullet nation, walks into a hair salon, sits down, and after some consideration says, "Hmm....yeah, I think I'm gonna go with the hockey mullet this time."

Rodney: (chuckling) How does a person desire that on their heads?

Justin: Who knows, maybe they think the same thing about us.

[Paul and Elliot walk in]

Paul: So I say to her, "Yeah, well then I have to feed my grandma's cat anyway! Too bad chica!" And then I hung up on her.

Elliot: You did that?

Paul: ...no, actually I told her that I'd call her later.

Justin: (curious) What are you guys talking about?

Paul: This girl, Jessica. We had a great date--intriguing conversation, a round of miniature golf, and I put down the big bucks for dinner. So then I call her later to go out and she says, "I'm sorry but I have to sleep."

Rodney: So. What's so bad about that? Students need sleep.

Paul: At 7:30 on a Saturday?!

Justin: Man, that's nothing, I had a girl tell me she couldn't go out cause she had to clean her room.

Elliot: I had a girl who was too busy cause she had to cancel a magazine subscription.

Rodney: (chiming in) I had a girlfriend brake up with me because I ran over her dog and killed it.

[Paul, Justin, and Elliot pause and turn to stare at Rodney]

Rodney: It ran under my car!

Justin: (turning back to Paul) Paul, let me ask you this, did you beat her at miniature golf?

Paul: Of course! I killed her. I brought my own putter. Did you know that I was Junior Mini-golf champion from '92-'97 for the whole Phoenix-Mesa Junior Mini-golf Region?

Elliot: I'm going to ask you some questions and I want you to answer me honestly. Number 1: Did you make her strictly abide by the standard miniature golf rules?

Paul: Of course! You think I want her clubbing away with a putter that's over 16.5 oz? Hah!

Elliot: Hmm. Okay, we'll come back to that one. Question 2: Obviously you're competitive when you play. But did you trash talk her at all?

Paul: (puts his head down) ...no.

Elliot: I think you did.

Paul: (kind of ashamed) Well...I might have said something about her grip.

Rodney: What did you say about her grip?

Paul: (hesitant)...well, just that her hands looked like an arthritic monkey trying to grip a trout.

Elliot and Justin and Rodney: What?! Oh no. C'mon! (etc.)

Paul: (at the same time as above lines) What?! What's wrong with that?!

Elliot: I bet you told her that her swing looks like Martha Stewart swinging a garden hose, didn't you?

Paul: (getting upset a little) Okay I did!

Justin: (to Elliot) How'd you know that?

Elliot: I've played with Paul before. It's as fun as a finger in the eye--which he tried to do to me when I was trying for an eagle on 17.

Paul: You had a loose eyelash! C'mon! (pause) You really think that my advanced level of mini-golf turned her off?

Rodney: I'd say you showed her an advanced level of crazy, pal.

Paul: Oh man! I really like her. That's it, I'm getting her out to Trafalga to play another round of miniature golf, I'll let her win, and then maybe she'll want to hook up.

Elliot: (sarcastically) Okay, but don't get upset with her if her back-swing exceeds a 45 degree angle.

Paul: (containing anger at first) Fine!

[Paul and Rodney walk away to do some work]

Justin: Hey Elliot, is Paul that good at miniature golf?

Elliot: No, he just yells a lot.

Justin: (focussing his attention to the hall) So what do you think, is that a man or a woman?

Elliot: (casually) A woman, look at the jeans--size 16.

to be continued

This is from one of my favorite things at the grocery check out...The Weekly World News. His name is Bat Boy and the government found him in a cave. After 9/11 apparently he joined the marines in their cave search for Osama Bin Laden--on the cover of that one it was this exact photo with him donning a USA bandana.

The Beggars (continued)

[in the Registration Office: Rodney is now busy on the phones]

Justin: You guys, you can't just beg for money! Look at you. Those designer dress shirts and ties are just screaming "Give me your money!"

Paul: Hey, that gives me an idea.

Elliot: What?

Paul: (quickly to Elliot) We need a sign. (to Missy) Missy, do we have any pieces of cardboard about this big? (measures out two feet with his hands)

Missy: We just did diploma covers, so there should be some pieces over there. (motions toward the closet)

[Paul and Elliot rush over and pull out two pieces of cardboard about two and a half feet long by one foot wide]

Justin: (in disbelief) No.....you're not doing this. I can't believe even considering this!

Elliot: Justin my friend, there's no way that we could beg without a beat up cardboard sign. It's the lifeblood of the industry! No self-respecting beggar would heckle people for money without a sign.

Paul: It's like Babe Ruth going to hit without a bat. (pause: directs his attention to Elliot and the sign) Okay, here's what we do; write with this marker and make sure you use your off hand--make it look like a dyslexic third grader wrote it.

[They start writing]

Justin: Okay, I officially don't care what happens here. But Paul, what if someone sees you?

Paul: What do you mean?

Justin: Say your mother's walking down the street, sees you urinating in an alley, wearing an old army reserve coat....she's gonna faint. Once people know you have a home you're nothing but a neighbor who asks to borrow stuff and doesn't give it back.

Elliot: (to Paul) Hey, I'm going to use my guitar and be a performing bum. Could that work?

Paul: Are you kidding me? Pity plus entertainment? Guess how the Rosanne show got so big?

Elliot: Good. [He holds up the sign and it reads in very sloppy handwriting: Will play fore money--so hungary...God Bless]

Paul: Nice. (like a film critic) I like it cause it shows me your desparation.

--

[Paul is on a somewhat busy street in front of a P.F. Chang's restaurant. His sign says: "Homeless Vet--need money for food--need food to live" He's wearing an army reserve coat and one shoe]

[People walking by, Paul looks distraught and tired]

Paul: Hey!.....vet needin' some money here! ......Post traumatic stress kickin' in! Need some money!

[Manager of the restaurant that Paul's sitting in front of comes out]

Manager: Hey buddy! [walks up] I've been getting some complaints about a disgruntled hobo scaring my customers' small children.

Paul: Hey pal, I'm so hungry, I just need some money for food.

Manager: [looking down at his sign] A vet, huh? (suspiciously) Which war did you serve in?

Paul: (searching, then confidently) The 1994 Invasion of Guantanamo Bay!

Manager: I've never heard of that.

Paul: Well...it was hell. [looks awkward as the Manager gives him a look--he grabs his sign and runs frantically away]

--

[Back at the Office: Justin is sitting, and Paul is standing in front of him]

Paul: ....So I grab my sign and take off! (getting more animated) I'm runnin' and runnin' but I only got one shoe, ya know, for effect....and so it throws the balance of my normal running stride all out of whack and I end up toppling over some defenseless lady who was just trying to go eat at P.F. Chang's with her husband. So I bolt out of there before the husband could beat me. ...Man, he used some pretty mean explatives!

Justin: (nearing sarcasm) Nothing cuts deeper than explatives. They're rough.

[Elliot walks in with his guitar and in some grungy clothes, a little dejected]

Elliot: (to Paul) How'd you do?

Paul: Well, if you count compulsive lying and pushing down women as success--I had quite the day. You?

Elliot: I didn't get anything. I played Cat Stevens, Jack Johnson, I even tried an acoustic version of Ozzy's 'Crazy Train'. I got nothin'!

Paul: Where were you?

Elliot: (obliviously) Just by the campus library.

Paul: On campus? Were you dressed like this?

Elliot: Yeah, why?

Paul: So let me get this straight. You're sitting on campus, dressed like a poor person, playing Cat Stevens. (pause) You're Joe College! You're any college boy in America!

Justin: Point number 2: Paul went to P.F. Changs because it's pricey--people who go there have money. You on the other hand, visit America's lowest tax bracket asking for money? I don't even have money for toilet paper, let alone enough to give you.

Paul: Seriously, my roomate lived off of jam and sugar packets last month. There's no money on this campus.

Justin: You were one step up from begging the homeless at a shelter.

[Rodney enters eating a big ice cream sandwich--he's totally focused on his sandwich]

Elliot: (with awe) Is that a Big Bopper ice cream sandwich?

Rodney: (with mouth full) Oh yeah.

[Paul, and Elliot are looking at his sandwich longingly]

Justin: Did you get that from the vending machine downstairs?

Rodney: Yup.

Justin: But you just said how you didn't have any money for it.

Rodney: It's called a ten minute break compadre. Begging never tasted so good!

Justin: You still have five minutes on your break!

Paul: You got $1.75 in 2 minutes?

Rodney: Actually I got $3. [He pulls out a Twix]

Justin: Well, Dirty Harry here (nodding at Paul) got run out of town and Art Garfunkel over there (nodding at Elliot) was the coolest he's ever been.

Rodney: You didn't get anything?

Paul and Elliot: Nope.

Rodney: [Finishing up his sandwich] Well, I'll let you in on a little something. Begging is so much more than dirty clothes, an uneducated sign, and smelling like rancid milk. It's an artform--a science, if you will.

Justin: I'll tell you what...the IQ in the room is on the cusp of neanderthal.

[They pay no attention to the comment and Elliot and Paul are mesmerized with Rodney]

Rodney: Begging is about the passion and heartache of vagrancy. It's a social ritual as old as time. In fact, it predates the wheel.

Paul: (studiously) So should I be talking to my patrons?

Rodney: That depends, why don't you show me your material?

Paul: (acting like he's on the street) Hey buddy! Ya' like freedom? Well you can thank me for it! I need some money here!

Rodney: No, no, no, no, NO! I don't want to give you money, I want to give you a fist in the eye.

Paul: Yeah, that's a word for word threat I got twice today.

Rodney: Let's go outside, I'll give you some pointers then we'll split up and apply them to our trade.

[they start walking out]

Elliot: So should I wear shoes? Cause I was thinking that if I don't it gives the homeless look and an bad odor.

Rodney: Yeah, that's good.

--

THE NEXT DAY

[in the office: Missy and Justin are the only workers there]

Missy: It's 8:45 and we're missing three people! Where's Paul? I told him to come in early to merge some records for me.

Justin: (matter-of-factly) Well...he actually got picked up last night for begging over by University Mall. Apparently he attacked a guy who gave him some pretzels--spent the night in jail.

Missy: Why would he do that?

Justin: Well, I heard he claimed he was in some invasion at Guantanamo Bay and didn't need pretztels.

Missy: Well, what about Elliot?

Justin: He got picked up too.

Missy: For what?

Justin: Urinating in public.

Missy: What about Rodney, did he get arrested too?

Justin: No, actually he got offered a part-time job with some big law firm.

Missy: Wow. He's one good beggar!

Justin: (sarcastically) Yeah, he's a rare breed. The world could use more of his kind.

The End

The Picture of the Day!

Setting: A Registration Office of a University

Cast:
Paul Jefferies as "Paul" (student employee)
Justin Stokes as "Justin" (student employee)
Elliot McMillan as "Elliot" (student employee)
Rodney Wardle as "Rodney" (student employee)
Missy Mumford as "Missy" (the boss)

---

[Justin and Paul are sitting at their work cubicles]

Justin: So you have a movie about a movie set?

Paul: Yeah, a horror movie set, and on the set people start dying...one by one. All of the sudden we turn this thing into a biting satire. A smart comedy. We cast Steve Martin as the detective and call it Quiet on the Set. Brilliant!

[Elliot enters]

Elliot: What's brilliant?

Justin: Paul's telling me about his cinematic revelations.

Paul: How about this one? We have a movie about a movie theater! We cast some hot, teen actors and explore things like the the stuff caught on the sticky floor, the political struggle of night manager, and the cancer-causing oil they use to butter the popcorn. We call it: Coming Soon.

Justin: Paul, that's like going to a baseball game to watch the ticket takers. It wouldn't work.

Elliot: That movie would be about as exciting as a movie about the security guards at a Barry Manilow concert. (sarcastically) Now there's a must see.

Paul: (pauses to think) Okay, what about a sequel to Patch Adams where he takes up magic in a funeral home to cheer up grieving families. We call it Abra-cadaver.

[Rodney walks in; his shirt is untucked and his tie is loose. He has unkempt stubble and dirt on his pants]

Rodney: Five bucks! (does a kick)

Justin: Huh?

Rodney: Five bucks! I got five bucks today. Five!

Paul: That's like twice what you get paid per hour here, and yet you still showed up for work.

Elliot: So uh, what's the deal?

Rodney: Get this gents--So last weekend I need to take the bus to get to the Llama Fest '05, but I get to the bus stop and I realize that I don't have bus fare. So, I'm so disappointed I sit down in the curb--in my grungiest clothes mind you--

Elliot: Why were you in grungy clothes?

Rodney: This is llama fest '05! Llamas! They stink and spit and kick up dirt. I can't be wearin' my lady-lovin' clothes. ...So anyway, I'm sittin' there on the curb and all of the sudden a woman gives me a buck. And then another dude gives me a dime. Before I knew it I had 2 dollars and was on my way to Llamapaloosa! I'm a bonafide beggar!

Paul: What?!

Justin: You've reached an admirable level of genius here.

Rodney: I made 2 bucks in an hour!

Elliot: But Rodney that was last Saturday--which was two days ago, and you still look like a vagrant. Have you bathed since then?

Rodney: Yes. But I haven't shaved. I have to look the part! I've been begging ever since. That's where I just came from. I got 5 bucks in one hour! Five bucks for nothin'!

Justin: So...you're a homeless man now.

Rodney: Would I pose as a homeless man? ....No. .....Have I posed as a homeless man? ....Yes.

Elliot: Do you realize what you're doing? You can't beg for money--you have a job! That's like Kobe Bryant splitting time between the Lakers and a local high school. Would you want to work hard to make a team and then they bring in Shaquille O'neal and you never see the ball? It's like the homeless, they've worked hard to get to where they are.

Rodney: What?

Justin: You're stealing their business. I'll tell you, if the homeless ever get wise to you they'll be all over you--throwing their cans at you and things. It's rough.

Rodney: Are you kidding? Did you know that 45% of beggars actually own homes. It's like a part-time job.

Paul: (thoughtful) Wait a minute...this could be the perfect job. You set your own hours, it's commission based, and you are your own boss.

Elliot: Plus the dress code couldn't be more relaxed, and you can whiz in the streets anytime you want!

Paul: It's like you have a public urination license.

Elliot: (excited) Yea!

Paul: You know this could be the break I'm looking for. I could move into that bigger apartment with the sink that has the hot and cold faucets separate.

Elliot: I love those.

Justin: What?

Paul: Think about it Justin, how much are you making right now?

Justin: $10.50 an hour.

Elliot & Paul: 10.50!

Elliot: I'm making 6.25!

Paul: Me too!

Elliot: Are you kidding me? (turns to his boss) Missy, what's the deal with moneybags over here making 10.50.

Missy: Well, he's been working here over three years. And, may I remind you, he's getting married.

Elliot & Paul: (not satisfied) Oh yeah, sure, of course.

Paul: Anyway, 5 bucks an hour begging, we spend 4 hours on Freedom Blvd Friday night...20 bucks in the bank!

Rodney: YEAH (kicks)

Justin: Hold on, hold on...I can't believe you guys are actually considering this.


to be continued....

I never decide to jump off a cliff until I'm absolutely ready. I mean, considering all the things that could go wrong. I could hit something on the way down or I could land awkwardly or I might just freak out enough mid-fall to snap my own neck. Okay, seriously now, I am quite experienced at jumping off of cliffs, so when I felt a little awkward after my first jump it troubled me. Yet somehow it never crossed my simple mind to tell my fiancee not to jump--even though this would be her first cliff ever. A 35 foot cliff. I just smiled and instructed her, "Hey, make sure you enter the water stiff as a board and straight as a pencil!" Would you ever ride a bull if your first bull-riding experience and advice was while you were sitting on top of the beast? Well, you would if you were engaged to an idiotic bull rider.

So she jumped. The fearless beauty jumped, most likely against her will and most definitely against her best judgment. Now if someone tells you that it isn't right to wish you could do things differently given the chance, they've never seen the love of their life take your suicidal advice and jump off a cliff and hit the water with their feet out in front of them. If they have seen that and still say that they wouldn't change a thing in their life, then they're going to have an amazingly lopsided marriage. Good luck pal.

So by the time we were home and my fiancee had 95% of her body covered in bruises (or I guess one HUGE bruise) and was 95% incapacitated, I felt the kind of guilt that gnaws at your will to live. I replayed the event in my mind yet this time the cliff seemed 100 feet tall and I had cuffed my bride-to-be and pushed her off the cliff. How could I have been so stupid? Could I tell her I had an abnormally high amount of testosterone? You can blame anything on hormones. Or maybe I could tell her I'm on drugs...yeah, PCP or LSD--one of those crazy hallucinogen.

It's a wonder that I'm married. And it's a miracle that my wife is the very girl that I blindfolded and pushed off a 200 foot cliff.