Episode 2: The Putter and the Mullet (continued)

[Justin, Elliot, and Mandy (the office next door's manager) are in the office]

Elliot: Justin, quick question, important question...which is better, Cap'n Crunch or Golden Grahams?

Justin: Oh, Golden Grahams definitely, no contest.

Elliot: See, that's funny, cause I'm a Cap'n Crunch man.

Justin: (amazed) Really?

Elliot: Oh, all the way. Me and the Cap'n...make it happen.

Mandy: I don't know how you can eat that stuff. It tears up the roof of my mouth, ugh, I hate it.

Elliot: But gotta admit that Berry Crunch is bursting with flavor.

Mandy: (almost to herself) It's bursting with something.

Justin: Have you ever tried brushing your teeth after eating it? You can't even penetrate the wall of Cap'n Crunch to get to the teeth, it's like brushing a layer of hard sugar. It stays on at least 'til dinner.

Mandy: It's true.

Elliot: (condescending) Oh, and like Golden Grahams doesn't have a lot of sugar.

[Rodney walks in upset with some Cheetos]

Elliot: Hey buddy.

Rodney: (disgusted) Ladies and gentlemen--look at this! [holds up his little Cheetos bag] I am sickened!

Mandy: I know, that's like 60 grams of fat in your hand. You might as well be holding a handful of Crisco. Gross!

Rodney: No, no, no, no. It's not a J-Dawg hot dog. I need a Wonderdog from J-Dawg's. Not having one throws off my rhythm! And if I have no rhythm you can bet I'll be all over the place!

Elliot: Nobody wants that.

Justin: Just grab one at the Scoreboard Grill.

Rodney: It's NOT A J-DAWG! It doesn't have the enlarged bun, the special sauce, and all of those wondrous toppings! Oh, the toppings my friends! In that little outhouse-styled shack lay all of my lunchtime dreams.

Elliot: So, why don't you have a J-Dawg?

Rodney: (long sigh) I went to J-Dawg's and ordered a Wonderdawg and continued on to the Condiment Cart. I put on sauerkraut, banana peppers, pickles, mango relish, everything! But when I started putting extra toppings in my "extra toppings cup,"--like I always do--the guy came out of his shack and started chewing me out!

Mandy: Rodney, you can't just take a bunch of toppings, they're not exactly free.

Rodney: That's exactly what he said! Anyway, he took my dog and told me I was on the J-Dawg blacklist. It's over!

Justin: If you want one so bad why don't you just go back in disguise?

Elliot: (joking) Yeah, you could go as an ambiguously mulleted student. They always make people feel awkward so that guy wouldn't even look at you!

[Rodney gets a look that says: "That could work" and runs out]

Mandy: Why doesn't he just get a friend to get one for him?

--

[Paul and Jessica outside of Trafalga]

Paul: Hey thanks for coming with me. Last time I was crazy cause earlier I went to Taco Bell and they messed up my order and...well, it was just a rough day.

Jessica: Oh.

Paul: Anyway, thanks for coming with me again.

Jessica: (suspiciously) You're not going to weigh my putter are you?

Paul: What? No, of course not.

[Two people are approaching in the distance]

Jessica: Oh, Paul I forgot to tell you that I invited my roomate and her boyfriend to come play with us. Is that okay? My roommate is so nice and her boyfriend is hilarious--he's a lot of fun.

Paul: Sure, no big deal.

[the two people walk up]

Jessica: Hey! Paul this is Tammie and her boyfriend Roy.

Paul: Roy?

Roy: Yeah, that's right. (joking) Well I'm really looking forward to whoopin' up on all of y'all! The putting greens shall run red. Ha ha.

Tammie: (joking with him) Yeah, right.

Paul: (trying to hold back his competitiveness) So Roy, you uh...a big mini-golf player then?

Roy: A big mini-golf player? That's like saying are you a huge watch maker.

[Jessica, Tammie, and Roy all laugh hard. Paul is not amused]

Paul: What about Big Ben, that's a huge watch?

[the other three stop laughing and an awkward pause ensues]

--

[setting: on the street by J-Dawg's. Some people are milling around and Rodney walks up in a mullet wig, a flannel shirt and pants that are tight by the shoes. He doesn't have his glasses on.]

Rodney: (in a slightly higher voice) Hellooo. I'm just here for a Wonderdawg.

[The guy gives him a suspicious eye]

J-Dawg employee: (suspiciously) I haven't seen you before. Did you say Wonderdawg?

Rodney: (awkwardly) I just want one, I hear they're scrumptious and I would like to purchase one for myself...if that's okay.

[The employee hesitantly starts to get him one. Another guy customer (a nerdy looking guy) is looking at Rodney. Rodney smiles at him and lowers his head]

--

[At hole #1 at the mini-golf course]

Roy: (joking) Look at this club! The blue rubber--it's over, I never lose with the blue rubber.

[girls laugh]

Paul: Color? (chuckles to himself) Color. Let me tell you, color does not matter my friend--it's the grip that is king of the mini-golf kingdom.

Roy: Grip?

Paul: (sees an advantage) Yeah, that's right. ...tell me Roy, do you favor the Western Douglas grip or the Thompson?

Roy: (kind of annoyed) Who cares?

[Roy goes to putt]

Paul: Hey Roy! You look like a lumberjack on ice skates!

[Roy shoots him a look]

Paul: (innocently) I'm only saying.

[Roy hits a hole in one]

Roy: (celebrating) Oh my goodness! (to Paul) Looks like the lumberjack just chopped down the "golfing tree!"

[girls laugh]

Paul: What does that even mean? Golfing tree?

[girls laugh again]

Paul: (cocky) Well, if you could get better than a hole in one--I'd show you how it's done.

[steps up to the hole]

Paul: (condescending) Notice how my body is in perfect balance. The grip, the control, and the desire all in perfect harmony.

[everyone rolls their eyes]

[Paul hits it and the ball bounces off the green and into the water]

Roy: Omigosh! You looked like a walrus with a hernia!

[everyone laughs]

Paul: (about to completely lose it) ROY'S A FUNNY GUY!!!

--

[Back to J-Dawg's. The nerdy guy outside the shack is talking to Rodney--Rodney is awkward]

Guy: So, you a fan of the Wonderdawg? [checks out Rodney--head to toe]

Rodney: They're nice.

Guy: You know, I could buy your's for you.

Rodney: (perks up...thinks about it then continues) Okay. I would appreciate that.

Guy: (to the employee) I'll pick up the tab on this one (motioning to Rodney and handing the employee a buck.)

Rodney: That's nice of you (as he's handed his Wonderdawg)

Guy: So if you're not doing anything I could take you out on a date this Friday.

Rodney: Oh, I'm sorry. I really can't. I go to sleep at six.

Guy: I could take you to the Brick Oven. (puts his hand on Rodney's shoulder and then down his arm)

Rodney: (really awkwardly) That's okay, I'll let you leave now.

Guy: Oh I don't have to leave. (goes to stroke Rodney's hair and the mullet wig comes off]

Rodney: (in his normal voice) There! I'm a dude! You happy? I hope this changes things!

[The Guy considers what to do]

J-dawg employee: Hey! I told you never to come back! Give me that Wonderdawg!

Rodney: NEVER!!! [he grabs a ton of toppings and runs away]

--

[mini-golf; hole 17: a windmill--Paul is up]

Paul: (to Roy) If I make it through the windmill and sink this putt, I'll be one stroke back--and I NEVER miss on 18!

[hits the ball and right as it nears the door the blade of the windmill knocks it out of the way]

[everyone tries not to laugh]

Paul: I can't believe this!

[hits it again and the same thing happens]

Paul: This hole is rigged!

[hits it again and the ball is once again knocked away]

[everyone bursts out in laughter]

Paul: (irate) The windmill's broken!!! I can't play this hole, there's a flippin' windmill in my way! It's like I'm in frickin' Holland! They don't even play mini-golf in Holland!

Roy: (laughing) He looks like Martha Stewart swingin' a garden hose! Do you want to use my blue rubber putter?

[Paul rushes over and grabs the putter]

Paul: You want me to use this?! You want me to use this?! Here--I'll use it!!

[he chucks it into the water. Some teenage "security guards" come out]

Security guard: I'm sorry sir, but you're not welcome here.

Paul: I'm blacklisted?!

Security guard: I'm sorry, but yes.

Paul: (getting dragged away) I'll come back! I'll come in disguise!!!

[in the parking lot]

Paul: (to Jessica) So, can you believe Roy? What a cheater!

Jessica: I have to go home Paul. I'm really sleepy.

Paul: It's 8 o'clock!

Jessica: (pauses) It's over, I'm sorry....you're crazy.

[she walks away]

The End