Episode 2: The Putter and the Mullet

[setting: the office window where Rodney and Justin are staring out at someone in the hall]

Rodney: Female.

Justin: (shaking his head) Male. And I hope you're not thinking about asking him out.

Rodney: There's no way that's a man.

Justin: Why not? Look at the guy's jeans...that's a size 38 x 30, not a size 16. (pause) You know, I'm glad I don't have people taking bets on my gender. How could you feel comfortable with yourself if you look in the mirror every day and say, "Man, I look....disturbingly ambiguous today"?

Rodney: You know what the problem is? That unisex mullet. It throws everyone off.

Justin: Which brings up another interesting point. This person, along with the rest of the mullet nation, walks into a hair salon, sits down, and after some consideration says, "Hmm....yeah, I think I'm gonna go with the hockey mullet this time."

Rodney: (chuckling) How does a person desire that on their heads?

Justin: Who knows, maybe they think the same thing about us.

[Paul and Elliot walk in]

Paul: So I say to her, "Yeah, well then I have to feed my grandma's cat anyway! Too bad chica!" And then I hung up on her.

Elliot: You did that?

Paul: ...no, actually I told her that I'd call her later.

Justin: (curious) What are you guys talking about?

Paul: This girl, Jessica. We had a great date--intriguing conversation, a round of miniature golf, and I put down the big bucks for dinner. So then I call her later to go out and she says, "I'm sorry but I have to sleep."

Rodney: So. What's so bad about that? Students need sleep.

Paul: At 7:30 on a Saturday?!

Justin: Man, that's nothing, I had a girl tell me she couldn't go out cause she had to clean her room.

Elliot: I had a girl who was too busy cause she had to cancel a magazine subscription.

Rodney: (chiming in) I had a girlfriend brake up with me because I ran over her dog and killed it.

[Paul, Justin, and Elliot pause and turn to stare at Rodney]

Rodney: It ran under my car!

Justin: (turning back to Paul) Paul, let me ask you this, did you beat her at miniature golf?

Paul: Of course! I killed her. I brought my own putter. Did you know that I was Junior Mini-golf champion from '92-'97 for the whole Phoenix-Mesa Junior Mini-golf Region?

Elliot: I'm going to ask you some questions and I want you to answer me honestly. Number 1: Did you make her strictly abide by the standard miniature golf rules?

Paul: Of course! You think I want her clubbing away with a putter that's over 16.5 oz? Hah!

Elliot: Hmm. Okay, we'll come back to that one. Question 2: Obviously you're competitive when you play. But did you trash talk her at all?

Paul: (puts his head down) ...no.

Elliot: I think you did.

Paul: (kind of ashamed) Well...I might have said something about her grip.

Rodney: What did you say about her grip?

Paul: (hesitant)...well, just that her hands looked like an arthritic monkey trying to grip a trout.

Elliot and Justin and Rodney: What?! Oh no. C'mon! (etc.)

Paul: (at the same time as above lines) What?! What's wrong with that?!

Elliot: I bet you told her that her swing looks like Martha Stewart swinging a garden hose, didn't you?

Paul: (getting upset a little) Okay I did!

Justin: (to Elliot) How'd you know that?

Elliot: I've played with Paul before. It's as fun as a finger in the eye--which he tried to do to me when I was trying for an eagle on 17.

Paul: You had a loose eyelash! C'mon! (pause) You really think that my advanced level of mini-golf turned her off?

Rodney: I'd say you showed her an advanced level of crazy, pal.

Paul: Oh man! I really like her. That's it, I'm getting her out to Trafalga to play another round of miniature golf, I'll let her win, and then maybe she'll want to hook up.

Elliot: (sarcastically) Okay, but don't get upset with her if her back-swing exceeds a 45 degree angle.

Paul: (containing anger at first) Fine!

[Paul and Rodney walk away to do some work]

Justin: Hey Elliot, is Paul that good at miniature golf?

Elliot: No, he just yells a lot.

Justin: (focussing his attention to the hall) So what do you think, is that a man or a woman?

Elliot: (casually) A woman, look at the jeans--size 16.

to be continued