The Beggars (continued)

[in the Registration Office: Rodney is now busy on the phones]

Justin: You guys, you can't just beg for money! Look at you. Those designer dress shirts and ties are just screaming "Give me your money!"

Paul: Hey, that gives me an idea.

Elliot: What?

Paul: (quickly to Elliot) We need a sign. (to Missy) Missy, do we have any pieces of cardboard about this big? (measures out two feet with his hands)

Missy: We just did diploma covers, so there should be some pieces over there. (motions toward the closet)

[Paul and Elliot rush over and pull out two pieces of cardboard about two and a half feet long by one foot wide]

Justin: (in disbelief) No.....you're not doing this. I can't believe even considering this!

Elliot: Justin my friend, there's no way that we could beg without a beat up cardboard sign. It's the lifeblood of the industry! No self-respecting beggar would heckle people for money without a sign.

Paul: It's like Babe Ruth going to hit without a bat. (pause: directs his attention to Elliot and the sign) Okay, here's what we do; write with this marker and make sure you use your off hand--make it look like a dyslexic third grader wrote it.

[They start writing]

Justin: Okay, I officially don't care what happens here. But Paul, what if someone sees you?

Paul: What do you mean?

Justin: Say your mother's walking down the street, sees you urinating in an alley, wearing an old army reserve coat....she's gonna faint. Once people know you have a home you're nothing but a neighbor who asks to borrow stuff and doesn't give it back.

Elliot: (to Paul) Hey, I'm going to use my guitar and be a performing bum. Could that work?

Paul: Are you kidding me? Pity plus entertainment? Guess how the Rosanne show got so big?

Elliot: Good. [He holds up the sign and it reads in very sloppy handwriting: Will play fore money--so hungary...God Bless]

Paul: Nice. (like a film critic) I like it cause it shows me your desparation.

--

[Paul is on a somewhat busy street in front of a P.F. Chang's restaurant. His sign says: "Homeless Vet--need money for food--need food to live" He's wearing an army reserve coat and one shoe]

[People walking by, Paul looks distraught and tired]

Paul: Hey!.....vet needin' some money here! ......Post traumatic stress kickin' in! Need some money!

[Manager of the restaurant that Paul's sitting in front of comes out]

Manager: Hey buddy! [walks up] I've been getting some complaints about a disgruntled hobo scaring my customers' small children.

Paul: Hey pal, I'm so hungry, I just need some money for food.

Manager: [looking down at his sign] A vet, huh? (suspiciously) Which war did you serve in?

Paul: (searching, then confidently) The 1994 Invasion of Guantanamo Bay!

Manager: I've never heard of that.

Paul: Well...it was hell. [looks awkward as the Manager gives him a look--he grabs his sign and runs frantically away]

--

[Back at the Office: Justin is sitting, and Paul is standing in front of him]

Paul: ....So I grab my sign and take off! (getting more animated) I'm runnin' and runnin' but I only got one shoe, ya know, for effect....and so it throws the balance of my normal running stride all out of whack and I end up toppling over some defenseless lady who was just trying to go eat at P.F. Chang's with her husband. So I bolt out of there before the husband could beat me. ...Man, he used some pretty mean explatives!

Justin: (nearing sarcasm) Nothing cuts deeper than explatives. They're rough.

[Elliot walks in with his guitar and in some grungy clothes, a little dejected]

Elliot: (to Paul) How'd you do?

Paul: Well, if you count compulsive lying and pushing down women as success--I had quite the day. You?

Elliot: I didn't get anything. I played Cat Stevens, Jack Johnson, I even tried an acoustic version of Ozzy's 'Crazy Train'. I got nothin'!

Paul: Where were you?

Elliot: (obliviously) Just by the campus library.

Paul: On campus? Were you dressed like this?

Elliot: Yeah, why?

Paul: So let me get this straight. You're sitting on campus, dressed like a poor person, playing Cat Stevens. (pause) You're Joe College! You're any college boy in America!

Justin: Point number 2: Paul went to P.F. Changs because it's pricey--people who go there have money. You on the other hand, visit America's lowest tax bracket asking for money? I don't even have money for toilet paper, let alone enough to give you.

Paul: Seriously, my roomate lived off of jam and sugar packets last month. There's no money on this campus.

Justin: You were one step up from begging the homeless at a shelter.

[Rodney enters eating a big ice cream sandwich--he's totally focused on his sandwich]

Elliot: (with awe) Is that a Big Bopper ice cream sandwich?

Rodney: (with mouth full) Oh yeah.

[Paul, and Elliot are looking at his sandwich longingly]

Justin: Did you get that from the vending machine downstairs?

Rodney: Yup.

Justin: But you just said how you didn't have any money for it.

Rodney: It's called a ten minute break compadre. Begging never tasted so good!

Justin: You still have five minutes on your break!

Paul: You got $1.75 in 2 minutes?

Rodney: Actually I got $3. [He pulls out a Twix]

Justin: Well, Dirty Harry here (nodding at Paul) got run out of town and Art Garfunkel over there (nodding at Elliot) was the coolest he's ever been.

Rodney: You didn't get anything?

Paul and Elliot: Nope.

Rodney: [Finishing up his sandwich] Well, I'll let you in on a little something. Begging is so much more than dirty clothes, an uneducated sign, and smelling like rancid milk. It's an artform--a science, if you will.

Justin: I'll tell you what...the IQ in the room is on the cusp of neanderthal.

[They pay no attention to the comment and Elliot and Paul are mesmerized with Rodney]

Rodney: Begging is about the passion and heartache of vagrancy. It's a social ritual as old as time. In fact, it predates the wheel.

Paul: (studiously) So should I be talking to my patrons?

Rodney: That depends, why don't you show me your material?

Paul: (acting like he's on the street) Hey buddy! Ya' like freedom? Well you can thank me for it! I need some money here!

Rodney: No, no, no, no, NO! I don't want to give you money, I want to give you a fist in the eye.

Paul: Yeah, that's a word for word threat I got twice today.

Rodney: Let's go outside, I'll give you some pointers then we'll split up and apply them to our trade.

[they start walking out]

Elliot: So should I wear shoes? Cause I was thinking that if I don't it gives the homeless look and an bad odor.

Rodney: Yeah, that's good.

--

THE NEXT DAY

[in the office: Missy and Justin are the only workers there]

Missy: It's 8:45 and we're missing three people! Where's Paul? I told him to come in early to merge some records for me.

Justin: (matter-of-factly) Well...he actually got picked up last night for begging over by University Mall. Apparently he attacked a guy who gave him some pretzels--spent the night in jail.

Missy: Why would he do that?

Justin: Well, I heard he claimed he was in some invasion at Guantanamo Bay and didn't need pretztels.

Missy: Well, what about Elliot?

Justin: He got picked up too.

Missy: For what?

Justin: Urinating in public.

Missy: What about Rodney, did he get arrested too?

Justin: No, actually he got offered a part-time job with some big law firm.

Missy: Wow. He's one good beggar!

Justin: (sarcastically) Yeah, he's a rare breed. The world could use more of his kind.

The End