Episode 3 The Football Game

[Setting: The Registration Office. Elliot, Rodney, Justin, Mandy, and Missy are there.]

[no one is talking--everyone is waiting for a topic to come up]

Rodney: (bursts out) I'm glad I'm not a woman.

Missy: So are we.

Rodney: No, I mean, women have to do so many things that I just don't want to do.

Elliot: I totally agree.

Justin: Me too.

Missy: (somewhat offended) Like what?

Mandy: (also a little offended) Yeah, like what?

Justin: Well, there's the whole child birth thing. I feel guilty, but conceiving and delivering a child is not that taxing on a guy. My wife will be going through this huge ordeal while I'm there just kind of hanging around waiting for my kid to come out. I don't think it's fair but I wouldn't want to switch roles.

Missy: Well that's an obvious one.

Rodney: But also, women have to deal with small shirts.

Mandy: Rodney, that's because women are typically smaller than men.

Rodney: No, I meant the length. Look at any girl's shirt and you'll find that it ends where the pants begin--often times sooner. So a woman always has to be thinking about how her backside looks. I mean, if I were changed to a women right now, I'd be so self-conscious about my flat backside, but what can I do? Do I wear a trench coat? Or maybe I try to make wearing a bath robe popular? I certainly can't tie a sweater around my waist--then it looks like I'm hiding two Christmas hams in my pants. Men can just cover it up with FUBU shirt and they look like P. Diddy.

Mandy: Well, I guess that's true.

Elliot: My big thing is that women are left with the impossible task of having to find men attractive. I obviously couldn't do it, but I still can't see how your gender can. Honestly I don't think that women really find men attractive. I mean, I don't even look in the mirror unless I absolutely have to. Men are hairy and stinky and just generally bad looking.

Mandy: What about Brad Pitt?

Elliot: (quickly) Well, besides him--he's beautiful.

[Justin and Rodney look at him like "what?"]

Elliot: (justifying himself) My wife thinks he is. (pause as Justin and Rodney snicker) What? I don't find him really good looking, I can just see how people might think he's attractive. (pause) Have you seen Legends of the Fall? C'mon! He's HOT!

Justin: Sounds like you're not so convinced being a woman is a bad thing.

Elliot: Shut up.

Rodney: So Justin, are you coming with me to the football game tomorrow?

Justin: I don't know Rodney, you're style of watching a game and my style are completely different.

Elliot: How can you have a style of watching a football game?

Justin: Well Rodney likes to get 9 other guys and paint their bodies blue and then write white letters on their torsos that spell out "we can't lose".

Elliot: The old "human billboard of victory." Grown men without shirts, painted like the Blue Man Group, yelling obscenities at some other grown men who are playing a game. It's beautiful, it's like a mixture between Halloween and the 3rd grade.

Rodney: Yeah, well we gave Justin the most important letter--the apostrophe "t" and when he chickened out and put on his shirt our human message of victory read: "we can lose." Can! That's as lame as if painted guys spelled out "we're wusses."

Elliot: The humiliation of that should be enough to put a grown man painted blue into a coma.

Justin: Well then, my answer to your earlier question is no. I'm not going to the game with you tomorrow.

Rodney: Elliot, what about you? You want to be our apostrophe "t"?

Elliot: Oh I'm not ridin' that crazy train.

Justin: Rodney I would but I promised Coralie that I'd go with her and her parents to the game.

Missy: Justin, have you two told her parents that you're getting married yet?

Justin: Well, I was thinking about doing it tomorrow sometime, but I don't know.

Mandy: I don't see why you're so scared to do it.

Justin: Coralie said that when her older sister's eventual husband asked her parents if he could marry their daughter they made him cry. And I don't like crying in front of adults.

Elliot: You know what you should do? Tell her parents right after a big touchdown. Emotions would be high and they'd agree to anything.

Justin: That could work--they are really big fans. I bet they'll be so excited they won't even know what's going on. (pauses to consider it) I'm going to do it.

Elliot: Trust me--it works. I did it in high school with my parents all the time. After a really good episode of Family Matters I got them to agree to have my little sister move out so that I could use her room as a recording studio.

[Paul enters]

Rodney: (super cheery) Paaauuuul! Hey man! Good to see you! How are you doing?

Paul: (suspicious) Good. Why are you acting like I'm about to pass out money?

Rodney: What? I'm always glad to see you.

Missy: Especially before game day.

Paul: What does that mean?

Rodney: Okay, here's the deal. We need an apostrophe "t". And I think you could be it.

Paul: Okaaay. (pause) Rodney, I think you might be wrong in the head.

Rodney: For the football game tomorrow--we're spelling out a message of victory.

Paul: (perks up) Football?! O I don't know if you want this mad cow on your human billboard. I get really, really into football games. I was kicked out of every single home game in my high school. Once for shooting off a flare gun at a player, twice for depants-ing opposing football players, and another time for stealing the other team's cheerleading squad--amongst other things.

Rodney: (serious) Paul, we need you. We're lacking in experience....we have a couple rookies in the billboard that keep screwing us up (gives a subtle point of the finger toward Justin).

Paul: (to Rodney) Oh yeah, he doesn't have what it takes.

Justin: Guys I can hear you...I'm right here.

Rodney: So you'll do it?

Paul: Not only will I do it...but you're about to see how much crazy it takes to win!


to be continues