Game 3 Topic: The 2008 Presidential Election

Never before have I heard more and cared less about an upcoming presidential election than the 2008 election. So many people have written and debated about the candidates, so I decided that I would offer my advice to the main candidates, you know, because my opinion is likely to make a difference. So here are some of the messages/slogans/sayings that I think would really help the various candidates win the presidency.

Hillary R. Clinton

• The 'R' stands for robot.
• The lesser of two Clintons.
• Even though she talks like a man, thinks like a man, and even kinda looks like a man (in the face), she's actually a cyborg.
• Vote for her, because she reminds you of the lady who beat you up.
  
• Even though she has illegal campaign funds from China, she won't cater to Chinese interests like her husband did . . . and continues to do. . . because he solicited illegal funds from China for his wife.
• Hillary: is there anything we can say about her that's nice? No, not really.

Barack Obama

• More like, He-rocks O'rama!
  
• His deep, raspy voice could soothe the soul of any lost sailor. . . bless those cigarettes and the rich, republican-supporting tobacco companies that sell them.
• Barack will bring the Democrats back to the White House like Bush brought the middle-east to its knees. Wait, I shouldn't have made that comparison. Or should I have? Whatever.
• Yeah he's only served one term in congress, and yeah he might not have as much "political" experience as other candidates, and yeah people generally agree that he doesn't have any real hands-on experience when it comes to foreign relations . . . I guess that's all I have to say.
• Vote for Obama, because most people don't really know where he stands, they just think he's cool.

John Edwards

• He's young, he's handsome, he's pretty much everything you're not!
• He's running for president even though his wife is dying of cancer--so most likely, he'll put your interests ahead of his own when he's elected, right? No? Okay.
• Vote for him and he'll wash your car! By 'wash', I mean 'destroy', and by 'car', I mean 'soul'.
  
• Last time you saw him he was running with John Kerry . . . so you know he's a winner!

Rudolph Giuliani

• The Republican who acts like a Democrat!
• He's pro-choice, pro-gay, and Republican somehow--so you know you can trust him!
• Because he was on 'Saturday Night Live' and was hilarious! Seriously, have you seen it? No one in the history of television has been more awkward than Giuliani on SNL. Really, you should Youtube it, you will laugh until you vomit!
• Vote for Giuliani because of all his experience in Congress . . . I mean, with the White House . . . no wait, with . . . um . . . okay, you probably really shouldn't vote for Giuliani.

John McCain

• McCain was in a POW camp for like three decades people! How does that not qualify him for the White House, huh? C'mon!
• John McCain: the oldest, and therefore best candidate.
• John McCain: he made steroids in baseball his top priority, which we all know was a pressing issue--so he'll bring important issue to the White House (please ignore the fact that he supports the war, and focus on the steroids issue, which admittedly, is pretty inconsequential comparitively).
• More like: John McRad!

Tommy Thompson

• Who?
• Seriously, who is that?
• Just interject into his name Tommy "rubbernose" Thompson and he sounds like a 1950s triple-A pitcher.

Mitt Romney

• With a name like 'Mitt' he has to be good!
• Vote for Mitt, because he says things he doesn't mean! (That's not a good thing? Seriously? Because I don't think he knows that that's a bad thing. Someone should tell him.)
• A Mormon in the White House?! What's next, an Amish attorney general? A wizard as Senate majority leader? Wait, we already have a mormon senate majority leader? Really? Oh, well then bring on Mitt!
• Vote for Mitt, he's the former Republican governor of Massechusettes--I know, that's like saying he's a Black leader of the KKK or an ugly handsome person or an educated West Virginian or trustworthy female or a calm Irishman or a mad Buddhist, or an attractive news anchor or a good summer movie or a terrible sandwich, but it's unique--and everything that's unique should be President of the United States.