Observations and Queries: #6

• After Mel Gibson was caught on police video tape making anti-semitic remarks he offered a public apology on a video he released to the media. Here is some of the transcript of that video: Mel: "I'm so sorry I made those anti-semitic comments when I was hammered the other day. I guess now would be a good time to apologize for making that anti-semitic movie a couple years back too. Also, I'd like to apologize to my Jewish neighbor for making anti-semitic comments to his son this morning. And also for my anti-semitic comments about Jerry Seinfeld on my blog Mel Gibson: The Anti-Semite." Interestingly enough, after that sentence the cameraman's hand slipped so it wobbled the camera a little bit, at which point Mel Gibson ran at the cameraman exclaiming, "You %#@!* Jew! You meant to do that!" Personally I don't trust Mel Gibson.
• The producer of the next Lindsay Lohan movie recently sent the young star a letter scolding her for her excessive drinking, dancing, and partying which he blamed for the movie's poor quality. He quickly took back his comments saying,"I was a bit hasty in blaming the poor quality of the movie on excessive partying and drinking. I actually looked into it and apparently the only reason the movie sucks is because we cast Lindsay Lohan to star in it. That was a huge mistake. . . I honestly don't know what we were thinking. Seriously, she's awful."
• Donald Rumsfeld and Hillary Clinton recently squared off head-to-head about the controversial war in Iraq. I liked this matchup the first time I watched it when it was called Alien vs. Predator. Okay, I can do better than that. How about: Hillary claimed that Rumsfeld was overseeing a "failed policy." At which Rumseld responded, "Better a policy than a marriage. Oooohh! Did you hear that one? Snap, Clinty!" Okay, there's got to be a better joke in there somewhere, but I'm really struggling with this one.
• Generals in our military recently claimed that a civil war in Iraq is very possible. They continued to say,"It's possible, but we just can't tell because pretty much everybody's shooting at everybody and they're all dressed alike, so we're really at a loss right now."
• The new Samuel L. Jackson movie, Snakes on Planes, was very lucky to land the accomplished actor. Evidently he was wooed by such scripts as Dogs in Trains, Birds in Boats, and Deerz in Zoos. Yeah, that's right--DeerZ.
• Recent studies indicate that 83% of Nasa engineers are graduates of top 10 US universities. In that same study, it was found that 85% of Nasa engineers are single, 92% are homely, and 0.3% are physically strong. In response to the study Nasa officials said,"I honestly doubt that 15% of us aren't single. Let's be honest, we're pretty much a flock of nerds."
• The new Will Ferrell movie Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby comes out this Friday. That reminds me of how much I hate the real NASCAR.
• If your parents are anti-semites you're probably an actor with brown hair, blue-eyes, really rich, the star of Mad Max, and the creator of the biggest anti-semitic movie in the history of mankind.
• AOL has recently announced that they'll lay off 5,000 employees. But as part of their severance they'll provide them with 1,001 free minutes of AOL for free, unemployment internet! (Incidentally, that same offer is available to 200 million other Americans.)
• It's been a long-standing fact that the moon has a large bulge around its middle. But this strange satellite protuberance hasn't been explained . . . until now. It was found that it's actually volcanic activity that could possibly erupt and cause the orbit of the earth to be thrown off its . . . wait, Paris Hilton just announced that she doesn't like Jessica Simpson anymore! Omigosh! This is huge! This could literally change the way we experience life as we know it! Wow! That's all I can say right now--wow!