Skit

[At the bookstore at a university; there are 20 or so employees standing in a group waiting for their manager to start a quick staff meeting]

Manager: Okay everybody. . . (getting their attention) everybody? Okay, thanks for coming to staff meeting for book buy-back week. We're really excited to have a great week helping the students here sell their books back for a premium price. I guess, since you all know how to do a buy-back transaction, I'll just go ahead and field any questions you might have.

[multiple hands go up]

Manager: Doug. . . go ahead.

Doug (employee): Sir, last semester a kid threatened to punch me in my mouth. . . in a situation like that is it okay for me to use an explitive of some sort or maybe some style of self defense?

Manager: Um, no. . . sorry--we can't allow that. I know that some students can get pretty heated if we won't buy back their books, but policy is policy and we can only buy a certain number back. Anyway, are there any more questions that don't involve harrassment or violence of any kind?

[no one says anything; no hand go up]

Manager: Okay, now I know you're probably all wondering why I've gathered you all here for a pointless meeting, but I have a special new employee to introduce. Now he's fresh off a trial, but we don't judge here people, okay? We're giving him a break--helping him get back into a normal social environment. Everyone. . . Suddam Hussein.

[Suddam enters and stands next to the manager. He has a full beard and has a bag of Doritos.]

Suddam: (with a thick accent) Yes, hello.

Employee 1: You hired Suddam Hussein? Are you insane? He's killed possibly thousands of people!

Suddam: Thousands? More like millions! I could kill you right now if I wanted to! [turns to the manager] I am Suddam!

Manager: I know.

Employee 2: Seriously, I mean, he poisoned his own people! How can we be expected to work with this guy?

Employee 3: How can you hire an ex-dictator? He's pure evil!

Manager: Okay, remember what we said about not judging? Okay, we don't care who's killed how many people or who we poisoned when--right? Because if you think about it, we've all been dictators at one point or another okay? So think about that the next time you want to point a finger. Okay, Suddam is there anything you'd like to tell your co-workers to help them understand you willingness to work with them?

Suddam: Yes, I wish right now that I could. . . [turns to the manager and uses a voice only the manger could hear] Gary, what is your American word for sticking a knife into a man's chest?

Manager: [pause; thinking] Um. . . well Suddam, it's. . . uh, hug. To hug a someone.

Suddam: [trying to enunciate; slowly] Hug? Hug? Am I saying that right? Hug?

Manager: Yeah, that's great.

Suddam: [to the others] I wish right now that I could hug you all. Do not think that I would not do it. . . I can hug 15 men in two minutes.

[Everyone looks at each other in confusion. Suddam looks satisfied]

Manager: Okay, great people. Well, we open in two minutes, so everyone get to your posts. [to Suddam] Suddam, why don't you take the cash register right over here and just do like we talked about in training earlier.

Suddam: Yes, okay.

Manager: Um, and Suddam we typically don't allow our employees to eat Doritos while they're working. . . so, uh. . . why don't you just give them to me.

Suddam: What?! Never! I love these Doritos!

[the manager tried to take them and Suddam moves the bag to keep the manager from taking them. . . but then the manager quickly takes them and walks away]

Suddam: AARG! Ahh! [he takes out a pistol from under his arm, but shakes his head and puts it away] I am Suddam!

[Students start to file in and a boy student who looks like he's in a hurry comes up to Suddam's register.]

Student: Kay, I have these four books and uh (looks at Suddam for the first time). . . aren't you Suddam Hussein.

Suddam: Yes, I am Suddam.

Student: (unimpressed) Huh. Whatta ya know?

Suddam: [scanning the books] We are not buying back any of these books back right now.

Student: What? Ridiculous! I just bought these books four months ago! You guys are the worst!

Suddam: (getting angry) What did you say?

Student: You guys are awful--you know what? It's not even suprising that the Bookstore hired Suddam Hussein to work here.

Suddam: ARG!! I am Suddam! I could hug you right now if I wanted to and no one would know about it.

Student: (really confused) What are you talking about?

Suddam: Do you not think I am man enough? I am man enough to hug you in front of all of these people right now! I am Suddam!

Student: (walking away) What a freak!

[Suddam goes to pull out his pistol from under his arm, but the manager walks up.]

Manager: Hey Suddam, I don't know if I went over this during training, but we don't typically like to threaten the students.

Suddam: What? Why?

Manager: It just looks bad. So is that going to be a problem?

Suddam: Yes.

Manager: [pauses] Okay. (turns to walk away)

[Suddam reaches under the counter and pulls out another bag of Doritos and starts to eat them. The manager sees this and they have a similar fight for the Doritos bag until eventually the manager takes them from Suddam.]

Suddam: ARG! Ahh!