Episode 8: Marriage (continued)

[In the Registration office at some random university with Elliot, Paul, and Justin]

Elliot: Okay, so what about this one? What would you rather have happen to you--having your face eaten by bats, or having your stomach eaten by termites.

Justin: Termites eat wood, Dr. Quinn.

Elliot: Okay--having your stomach eaten by stomach eating worms?

Justin: I'd say the stomach thing. I couldn't let anything happen to this beautiful mug. You wouldn't believe what it's gotten me in life.

Elliot: Okay Paul, you're up.

Paul: So which would you rather be--a bumble bee or a badger?

Justin: Badger...easy.

Paul: Elliot?

Elliot: (thinking deeply) I'm gonna have to go with a bumble bee. I can't pass up flying around and stinging people.

Paul: But then you'll die. Bees die once they sting someone.

Elliot: What?! What a rip off! (pause) I guess I'd be a badger--they're scary.

Paul: You know what I don't get? Why is it that every time you see a dark alley in a movie and they want to portray a scary person, it's some guy in a trench coat with a hat covering his eyes and he's limping towards you?

Justin: What do you mean?

Paul: I mean, why is he limping? Is that supposed to scare me? I mean, is a leg injury fearsome? What if I just decide to run? Is he going to speed-limp and tackle me? Or even if he did grab me, why don't I just kick him in his bad leg?

Elliot: Maybe he's faking it.

Paul: Either way, I think it's stupid.

Justin: Speaking of stupid, when are you going ask out that married girl?

Paul: We don't know if she's married or not--that's why I'm going to ask her out...then I'll know for sure.

Elliot: You know what you need to do? Tell her you're divorced, see if that inspires her to bring up her own marital status.

Justin: Yeah, while you're at it why don't you tell her that you used to be woman? You don't want any surprises do you?

Paul: Okay Carrot Top, why don't you keep your stand-up material to yourself? What's Ryan up to? I heard he asked Madelyn on a date.

Justin: Yeah, he's taking her out tomorrow morning and I hear that he's got something big planned. I guess he asked for today off so he can prepare...mentally.

Paul: He always likes to have a good game plan for these things. His usual game plan is called "Smooth Operator." But occasionally he goes with "Dr. Charles Ladylove."

----

[Paul's class of about 80 people. He walks in and the girl he likes (Kate) is sitting and there is an empty seat next to her.]

Kate: Hey! How's it going? [Paul sits]

Paul: Good, good. And you?

Kate: Oh I'm good, you know...just really busy with everything. I'm sure you know what I mean.

Paul: Oh of course. In fact, my divorce is going through and my ex-wife is really hounding me.

Kate: Hounding you? Why?

Paul: (unsure) Oh, uh...because of...um, the kids.

Kate: Kids?

Paul: (uneasy) Yeah, we have a couple kids together. And, uh...you know, she wants full custody of them but I love my kids, ya know? I love 'em, and I'm not going to give up.

Kate: Oh yeah, totally.

Paul: So I'm just really stressed cause little Paulie Jr. and...and uh, Judith Ann really miss their daddy.

Kate: Ooh! That's so sad!

Paul: (faking sadness) Yeah, we're not a happy little family anymore. (pause) What about you?

Kate: (sympathetic) Well I just think that's so unfortunate! Poor kids! I feel terrible about that!

Paul: (pause. then sigh) Kate, will you go out with me this weekend?

Kate: Go out? Where?

Paul: Where? Um...on a date...in a social context.

Kate: Uh...Paul. I don't know if you know, but I have a husband.

Paul: (quickly) Oh I knew, I just was wondering if you and your husband wanted to double date...with me and...my...wife.

Kate: I thought you were divorced.

Paul: (unsure) No, it's just getting worked out, but I'm trying to win her back...you know, mainly for the kids.

Kate: Well sure, we'd love to. Anything to help keep your family together. How's Saturday night?

Paul: (uneasy) Oh...it's fine.

Kate: Great! We'll see you then!

---

[Saturday morning. Ryan pulls up to Madelyn's apartment complex.]

[Ryan starts to honk his horn. Random girls slowly come to their window]

Girl 1: Knock it off, jerk!

Girl 2: Hey loser! We're trying to sleep here!

[Madelyn comes out of the apartment and into the car]

Ryan: Hey beautiful.

Madelyn: You really must be excited...you're a half hour early.

Ryan: (lady-lovin' mode) I just really wanted to see you again. Hey, I bought us breakfast.

Madelyn: Oh good.

Ryan: Actually I just grabbed an apple and some string cheese from home.

Madelyn: Oh....okay. So where are we going?

Ryan: Oh, it's a surprise.

---

[four hours later on the freeway. Ryan is singing to Cher's Do you Believe in life after Love?]

Madelyn: Ryan, we've been driving for four hours now. Can you please tell me where we're going?

Ryan: (pause) Well, okay. I wanted keep it a surprise but...(getting excited) we're going to Nebraska!

Madelyn: (upset) What?! Why?!

Ryan: Well my grandpa needs help moving out here so my family can take better care of him...so we're going to help him move out here.

Madelyn: Okay, so we're going to Nebraska to help your grandpa move.

Ryan: Yeah...why you don't think that's cool?

Madelyn: [sigh] (sarcastically) Oh no, it's cool.

---

[At a restaurant. Kate and her husband are out front waiting for Paul]

Kate: So they might argue, but try not to make things awkward, okay?

Husband: Okay, honey.

[Paul walks up.]

Kate: Paul! Hey. (pause; she looks around) Where's your wife?

Paul: (acting sad) Well...she didn't want to come. (faking a sob) She said it's over! (he sobs) It looks like my marriage is through!

Kate: Oh, Paul! I'm so sorry!

[Kate puts her arm around him. Paul secretly smiles with enjoyment and snuggles up to her]

Paul: (looking up at Kate) Do you have any sisters?

Kate: Why?

---

[It's really late Saturday. In the car with Ryan, Madelyn, and now Ryan's grandpa in the back seat.]

Grandpa: So Ryan, you never told me your wife had brown hair.

Ryan: Yeah, well...she's a brunette bombshell! What can I say?

Madelyn: (quietly to Ryan) What are you talking about?

Ryan: (quietly back) He's really senile and so we just humor him...you know, so he doesn't get upset.

Madelyn: (sarcastically) Oh, we don't want to upset anyone, do we?

Grandpa: Claire, you remind me of a brown haired Elizabeth Taylor.

Madelyn: Who's Claire?

Ryan: You're Claire of course! (turns to Grandpa) She forgets her own name sometimes...you know, too many drugs back in the day.

Madelyn: What?!

Grandpa: We never had your new-fangled "drugs" in my day. Back then we used to take horseradish and alka-seltzer to fog our minds.

Ryan: That's terrific Grandpa! Alka-seltzer, huh?

Madelyn: Ryan, I don't know how to say this...but I'm never going to talk to you again.

Ryan: What?! Why?!

Grandpa: Uh oh, looks like Claire wants a divorce!

Madelyn: (turns around to Grandpa) That's right old man! A divorce! So why don't you eat some horseradish and quit talking!

Ryan: So can I still call you later, or what?

the end