Episode 7 (continued): The University Mafia

[In the office with Ryan, Justin, and Paul. They are all dressed in dark suits (instead of dress shirts and ties) and their hair is slicked back. Paul and Ryan have toothpicks in the corner of their mouths and they have big rings on their fingers]

Ryan: I feel so flippin' tough!

Paul: I know, I was on the way to work and I pushed a kid into a dumpster cause he wouldn't give me his Mountain Dew. I'm a mobster!

Ryan: I told one of my professors to watch his back or he'll be sleeping with the fishes!

Justin: So how are we going to get this Trevor kid? We can't just let him come in here and walk all over us! We have tradition here.

Paul: (in his tough-guy voice) How 'bout we take him to Lookout Bluff, tie his hands, and push him off?

Justin: What? No.

Ryan: (in his tough-guy voice) Whatta 'bout this? We invite him over for dinner, serve him some spaghetti with a poison pesto sauce, and then drop him off in the lake with some lead sneakers, eh?

Justin: Are you guys kidding? C'mon, we can't kill anybody. Remember?

Paul: What if we don't do the killing? Why don't you leave it to me--I'll take care of Trevor.

Justin: What are you gonna do?

Paul: Don't worry about it. I know a guy.

Justin: You know a guy?

Paul: He'll do the job, make it look like an accident.

Justin: No killing!! It was your idea, remember?!

Paul: Oh, yeah.

Justin: Where's Elliot?

Paul: I sent him over to the Admissions Office. I transferred a call over there this morning and this guy Jimmy gave me a tone.

Justin: A tone?

Paul: Yeah, so I sent Elliot over there to...ya know...make sure it won't happen again.

Justin: What?

[Elliot walks in with a baseball bat--dressed like the rest of them, but he's chewing gum real fast]

Paul: So how's Jimmy?

Elliot: Let's just say, he's gonna be a lot more quiet now.

Justin: (frantic) You killed him?!

Elliot: No, I just asked him to be more quiet when we call.

Justin: Okay, well we were just thinking of ways to get rid of this Trevor punk.

Elliot: Ooh, what if I take him to Lookout Bluff, handcuff him--

Justin: NO! No killing!

Paul: Well it's got to be something big because he thinks he owns this university. Lousy rat!

Ryan: What about this? (whispers to Paul, Justin, and Elliot)

Elliot: Yeah! [Ryan's still whispering]

Paul: Oh that's good. [Ryan continues to whisper. Then stops]

Justin: Yes, that's what we'll do. Knowing how much he loves himself and hates us, this could work perfectly.

Paul: What are our Mafia names though?

Justin: What do you mean?

Paul: I mean, every mobster has a cool Mafia name. I was thinking that I could be 'Anthony "the Bull" Pascelli'.

Ryan: I'll be 'Babyface Rizzuto'. What about you Justin?

Justin: Well, I have to be Don something since I'm the Godfather. I'll be Don Domingo. That's cool, isn't it?

Paul: Yeah, what about you Elliot?

Elliot: Mmm....I don't know. Uh...how 'bout 'Timmy Tornado'?

Justin: That sounds like a show on the Disney Channel.

Elliot: Okay, what about 'Phillip the Tough-guy'?

Paul: How 'bout this? 'Johnny Bullet-hole'?

Elliot: Sweet!

Justin: (quietly) Pst! Ryan, here comes Beth!

[Beth walks up]

Ryan: (tough-guy voice) Hey, how you doin'?

Beth: I'm great, how are you?

Ryan: Never better. So...uh, did you get that note?

Beth: I did. (looks at Paul) Hi Paul!

Paul: (tough-guy) Yo.

Beth: I thought it would be appropriate to respond with a note.

[gives puts the note down on the counter and walks away]

Ryan: [picks up the note] (reading) "I wanted to write back and tell you that I was really excited when you asked me out Paul." Paul?!

Paul: What?

Ryan: (very angry) Why you greasy little punk! You went and asked her out for yourself! You just couldn't hold back, could you?!

Paul: No! That's not how it was! I guess she just saw what she wanted to see with the ask-out note.

Ryan: What?!

Paul: I'm just sayin', that she was probably blinded by my masculine charisma and couldn't help but see my name on that note. Tough luck kid, maybe next time you'll get the broad--but not likely if she's lookin' at me!

Ryan: I'm gonna throw your mother off a bridge!

Paul: Don't you dare say anything about my mother!

[Paul and Ryan lunge at each other. Justin and Elliot jump in between them]

[Trevor walks in]

Trevor: Ooh. Missy's gonna love this.

[Ryan and Paul calm down and everyone looks at Trevor.]

Justin: What are you talking about?

Trevor: Well, when Missy finds out about fighting in the office I'm sure she'll be forced to fire at least two of you.

Elliot: How would Missy find out about this?

Trevor: Well, it's my duty to tell her about this little cock fight. [walks through the office] This place smells like fish and cough medicine. Ugh! You guys are disgusting! I'm going to fill up my water bottle.

[Trevor leaves]

Paul: That guy is Satan's step-father!

Elliot: (picks up his baseball bat) That's it! I'm taking him out. (walks towards where Trevor left)

Justin: No! (grabs Elliot) Okay guys, we'll settle this Beth thing later. It's time to take Trevor out! Ryan, we're doing your plan.

Elliot: What's his plan again?

Justin: Quiet! He's coming, over to the fire alarm!

[Trevor walks up]

Ryan: (to the rest of the guys) Too bad fellas, I'm going to do it.

Paul: Bull, I'm the biggest and the smartest--I'm going to do it. [puts his hand on the fire alarm handle]

Justin: Well, I've worked here the longest so I deserve to do it.

Trevor: Are you guys arguing over who's going to bathe with a toaster or what?

Ryan: No. Missy told us that we get to instigate the building fire drill by pulling the alarm, so we're arguing over who gets to pull the fire alarm.

Elliot: I get to do it!!! I've always wanted to!

Ryan: Me too! [Ryan puts his hand on the fire alarm]

[Trevor pulls Ryan's hand off the alarm and jerks down the alarm handle himself.]

[Loud sirens go off and Missy runs into the room from the back office]

Missy: What happened?!

Trevor: I pulled the fire alarm!

Missy: You what?! Trevor that's against university code--you could get put on academic probabtion or kicked out of school!

Trevor: These guys made me do it!

Justin: Missy, I've worked here a long time and I've never squealed on anybody. But Trevor was bragging that his father donates so much money that he could pull the fire alarm and not get fired.

Ryan: It's true.

Paul: He said it.

Trevor: Even though it is probably true that I wouldn't get fired, I didn't pull the alarm.

Missy: But you said that you did!

Trevor: I meant, wait...I mean I didn't do it but. Wait--okay so I did do it but....

Missy: Trevor, you're fired! Too bad. Now let's get out of here and let the fire department clear the building.

----

[outside the building, as Elliot, Paul, Ryan, and Justin are watching people file out of the building]

Paul: Ryan, I'm sorry I stole your woman.

Ryan: Whatever. I'm sorry I almost beat you up.

Paul: Yeah, right. But I still don't know why she wanted me so badly...I mean, besides the obvious.

Ryan: (resentfully) Yeah, well I guess it's a big mystery.

[Beth walks by]

Paul: Hey Beth! Why did you end up wanting to go out with me?

Beth: What do you mean, you asked me out with that cheesy add/drop card?

Paul: That card was from Ryan here.

Beth: Really?

Ryan: Oh yeah. That was all me girl.

Beth: Well, there was no name on it and I assumed it was from Paul, cause he dropped it off.

Paul and Ryan: ooooOOOOOOOoooooh.

Paul: Well Beth, it was actually Ryan here who asked you. He's got the hots for you so I think you oughtta go out with him instead.

Beth: I'm okay with that. (to Ryan) Besides, you're cute.

Paul: What?! I thought you thought that I was cute! You're not supposed to accept my proposal! You're supposed to want me anyways!

Ryan: Shut up man, the dame wants to go with me!

Paul: You better watch it boy. I'll hit your fake gold tooth right out of your head!

Justin: All right, all right. Why doesn't she go out with both of you and see which one she likes better after that?

Paul: Yeah, that sounds good.

Ryan: I'm cool with that. Beth?

Beth: I guess so.

[Elliot pulls Justin aside as the others continue to talk]

Elliot: Dude, after the dates it'll only be worse! They'll kill each other!

Justin: You don't think I know that? C'mon man, I'm the Godfather of the Mafia, it's my job to manipulate.

Elliot: Oh, I see.

--

The End