Episode 6: The Derby

[Justin, Paul, Elliot, and Ryan in the Registration office at a University. They all have stacks of cards in front of them and they're quickly organizing one after another.]

Justin: (holding a card) Here's one--"Rash." "Hi, my name is Bobby Rash."

Paul: How does that guy get a date? Every girl who goes out with him has to be saying to themselves: "Omigosh, I could be Becca Rash! What would my friends think?"

Ryan: (holding up a card) What about this last name? "Cheeseman."

Elliot: That's not a real one! Let me see it.

Ryan: [gives the card to him] I swear, it is.

Elliot: Omigosh. How do you keep a name like that? Cheeseman? Why wouldn't you get it legally changed?

Justin: Maybe his first ancestor was the local dairy man. "Hey! It's the Cheeseman! How you doing Cheesy?"

[They're still organizing]

Elliot: (holding up a card) Get a load of this last name. "Killpack."

Justin: (acting) "Well, I'm gonna go whack a couple of people. I better take my 'killpack.' ...It's like when you're at Mafia orientation they tell you, 'okay, here's your baseball bat, your Mafia ring, and your killpack."

Paul: (chuckling) No, it's like the new-age word for a cowboy posse. "We're gonna round us up a 'killpack' and we're gonna catch these fugitives. I rustled up a nice killpack and we're gonna be gone for a couple days, but that's the job of a good killpack."

Ryan: (holding up a new card; laughing) Oh! Oh my! Hahahahaha! Oh goodness!

Justin: What? What is it?

Ryan: (laughing hard) Heheheheh! Oh, I can't take it!

Elliot: Give me that card! [takes the card from Ryan]

[Ryan starts to wipe tears away and laugh lighter]

Elliot: This isn't funny. I don't even know how to read it. It's like Indian or Mongolian or something.

Paul: (takes the card) Gimme it. "Bih...bih." What's the deal? I don't get it.

Justin: (takes the card and reads it) Hmm...yeah, Ryan I don't get it either.

Ryan: (fighting the giggles) Are you...kidding me? (takes the card) It doesn't look like anything but I'll read it to you how it's pronounced. "Bigbooty." (breaks out in laughter).

[everyone laughs]

Elliot: (laughing) Bigbooty? Omigosh!

Justin: (laughing) Man, you have to stay in shape with that last name. If your name is Bigbooty and you have a big booty, than it over. There's no hope for you getting out of high school alive.

Paul: (laughing) It'd be like a guy with the last name "Shnoz" having a huge nose!

Elliot: Just think of a lady with this last name. "Excuse me, Mrs. Bigbooty? Your table's ready."

Ryan: Or a kid on a football team. The coach is like "Bigbooty! Get your...booty over here!"

Paul: Or the announcer for the team. (announcer voice) "The run was stopped by Bigbooty. Hard hit by Bigbooty. No one can stop Bigbooty!"

[Everyone laughs like crazy. Then everyone settles down. And then there's a weird silence. The silence lasts a while and the boys are now quietly working]

Justin: How do we transition from what just happened? I mean, do we just wipe the tears away and then say, "So, did you see the game last night."

Paul: Yeah, I don't know. But it's really awkward right now--we were all just laughing and acting hysterical...but now what?

Elliot: Maybe we should just act like nothing ever happened.

Ryan, Elliot, Paul: Okay. That sounds good. etc.

[pause]

Ryan: So Paul, how's that whole girlfriend-thing doing?

Paul: Oh, it's doing. I think we might love each other deeply.

Justin: What? Have you guys talked about this "deep love"?

Paul: ...no. But she asked me to keep her cell phone in my pocket the other day.

Elliot: Have you guys even talked about your level of commitment?

Paul: What do you mean?

Elliot: See there are levels you have to get to in order to be able to say certain things. Like if you're on a semi-committed level you can say things like "you mean a lot to me," and "there's no one hotter than you."

Paul: Ew, that's a good one. I think we might be on semi-committed ground.

Justin: Well, this might be something you'd want to discuss.

Paul: We're going to a demolition derby tonight in her hometown to watch her brother run his heap-o-crap car into other people...or whatever they do, I could talk to her then.

Elliot: Hey, Justin and I are going to that!

Justin: Yeah, it's gonna rock!

Elliot: Dude, your girlfriend is from Hickville, U.S.A. They have like 12 people in that town.

Paul: Yeah, we'll probably be the only one's there with our high school diplomas or equivalences. But we'll be left out when it come to scars, tattoes memoralizing Dale Earnhart, and missing teeth.

Ryan: (looking into the hallway) Hey! There's that girl from the office across the hall! Holy Scrap she's hot.

Elliot: Why don't you go over there and ask her out? You guys have talked on the phone when you've transferred calls haven't you?

Ryan: Oh yeah. And you could say that our conversations were...intense, if you know what I mean.

Justin: (pause) Ryan, I don't think there's a guy in this room that knows what you mean.

Ryan: Let's just say that she's diggin' me for sure. Oh she's diggin' me all right, but she's special....I gotta do something different this time. Of course, she hasn't actually seen me, but I don't think that'll be a problem.

Paul: (sarcastic) Oh, of course not. Who even wants to see who's asking them out?

--

[later that night in an arena where Paul and his girlfriend (Carla) are sitting. They're surrounded by people with mullets and cut-off flannel shirts drinking beer while cars are flying around the arena hitting each other]

Paul: So, uh...did you know that there's no one hotter than you?

Carla: (uninterested) Thank you. Man, my brother's doing great!

Paul: (looking at the arena) Is that driver supposed to be on fire? I really think someone should help him--it's pretty disturbing.

Carla: They usually give it 'til the end of the round.

Paul: (uneasy) It looks like he's in quite a bit of pain. (pause; then relieved) Oh, there he goes...he's rolling on the ground. Whew, that was close huh?

Carla: (uninterested) Yeah.

Arena Announcer: (way too excited) Well ladies and gents! Looks like we gots ourselfs a good ol' fashioned derby match! Git yer butts in gear fo' some mo' cars hittin' other cars--here comes round 3!

Paul: Carla, I think we should talk about 'us'. About where we stand, ya know?

Carla: (interested) You do? Me too.

Paul: (cautious) Okay...how 'bout you go first.

Carla: Paul, you're a really nice guy and I have fun with you...but I think that things either need to get better or we need to go our separate ways.

Paul: (nervous) What do you mean? How can they get better?

Carla: Paul, I just think that there's one problem in our relationship. Only one, I swear.

Paul: (nearly frantic) What? What is it?

Carla: You're just too outspoken.

Arena Announcer: Oh no! Looks like Ben Cusword is really hurt.

Carla: (really upset) Oh no! That's my brother!

Paul: Yeah, he looks fine. His shoulder will probably pop itself back in if he keeps jumping around like that. Now when you say 'outspoken' does that mean I talk too much or I talk too little?

[Carla is ignoring Paul]

Announcer: Folks that's a first rate compound fracture there. If we could have one of his family members down here pronto we'd appreciate it. Ladies, you might not want to let yer youngins look at this one.

Carla: I have to go Paul! I'll be right back!

Paul: But the outspokeness! I can talk more...or less, which ever!

[Carla leaves and Paul looks around frantically. Everyone around him has mullets and beer]

Paul: (to the guy next to him) Hey buddy, do you know what 'outspoken' means?

Guy: Huh? Out smokin'? I guess it's when you go outside for a smoke.

Paul: No...I said--whatever. (turns to another guy) Hey, you wouldn't happen to know what 'outspoken' means would you?

Guy 2: I's pretty sure it means when you's arguing and somebody argue's louder than you does--you got 'outspoken.'

Paul: (sarcastic) Is that right? Okay, I got a question for you--did your labotomy hurt much?

Guy 2: (confused) What'd you call me?

Paul: (to himself) Are these people for real? I always thought that dang Jeff Foxworthy was just telling really unfunny jokes. Okay, think. C'mon man. ....Oh I don't know! Arg! ...Wait! Justin and Elliot! They're here--and they bathe regularly, I should be able to spot them easy!

[Paul stands up and scans the crowd. Finally he sees Justin and Elliot and frantically runs down the bleachers to them]

Justin: Hey! There's our pal! Did you see when that guy kicked the back of his own head on accident?

Paul: Guys! I need you bad! Carla just left after she told me that I was too outspoken and that it's really ruining our relationship. I gotta find out what outspoken means before she gets back or it's over!

Elliot: Easy. It means that you're too shy. You're outspoken if someone speaks instead of you.

Paul: Yes! Oh, I love you! Thanks.

Justin: Wait, that's not what it means. It means you talk too much. If you're outspoken you're speaking out.

Paul: ARG! This is bad! (sad) This is no good.

[Paul goes back to where he was sitting]

Justin: You're totally wrong man.

Elliot: No I'm not.

Justin: I'll bet you you're wrong.

Elliot: How would we know?

Justin: I'll call Coralie--she'll look it up.

Elliot: You're on. But whoever loses has to do something crazy.

Justin: (thinks) Okay, what about this? They have sneak into one of the derby cars and see if they can ride in the derby!

Elliot: (pauses) You...are the smartest man I know!

--

to be continued