Episode 5: Naming Names (continued)

[In the Registration Office with Elliot, Paul, and Ryan. Justin is just walking in]

Ryan: Are you sure?

Elliot: Positive.

Paul: Are you kidding? If that happened to me I'd jump on that like a puma on a sick deer.

Justin: What you talking about?

Elliot: This girl in Ryan's class was practically begging him to ask her out and he didn't even realize what was going on.

Justin: What'd she say?

Ryan: Well she asked me what my plans were for the weekend, and when I said 'nothing' she told me that she didn't have any either.

Justin: Oh yeah, you blew it buddy. That was a clear set up.

Paul: But it doesn't stop there. She asked him when the last time he went on a date was and then she told him that she hadn't been on one for a month! And then she said she 'really wanted to go out this weekend'!

Justin: And you didn't ask her out? Did she look like a cocker spaniel or something--what's wrong with you?

Ryan: I don't know, she was hot and...I just didn't think about it.

Justin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. She was hot...and you didn't think about it? Ryan, you've got the whole system backwards. It's the hot ones that you think about dating. That's the whole point of attractiveness.

Elliot: Justin, you are a lumberjack. Which reminds me, are you gonna come to class with me tonight ?

Justin: Oh yeah.

Elliot: Have you thought about what you'll say to my Professor?

Justin: Elliot, with bullies you just have to allow them the opportunity to look like an idiot. Now my job is to be there to facilitate that opportunity. That's all. It's a simple process. Of course if he doesn't cooperate we'll have to attack his personal insecurities.

Ryan: Well, that's it man. I'm gonna ask this girl out today. I won't even think twice about it. When I know there's a girl out there that likes me I'm like a fox in a hen house...I take full advantage. If you know what I mean. Heh heh.

Paul: Ryan, you're freakin' me out man. You sound really creepy right now. A 'fox in the hen house'? C'mon.

Ryan: Well, I didn't mean--

Paul: If I had a daughter I'd punch you.

Ryan: No, I just...okay, I'm not a fox I'm like a rooster in a hen house.

Paul: Oh, so you'll just strut around the hen house picking off innocent hens for your own amusement and pleasure?

Ryan: OKAY! I'll just be a boy and I'll ask the flippin' girl out! Flip! ...But I will turn on my old lady-lovin' skills.

Paul: That's fine with me, but remember that when you start into flirt-mode you get all weird. The normal nice guy is thrown out and you turn into a greasy 40 year old with chest hair coming out of the top of his buttoned-down shirt and a gold chain around his neck.

Ryan: Trust me...it works, okay?

--

[Paul on the same street walking home. The man in the wheelchair rolls up. The street is busy with many pedestrians.]

Paul: YOU!

Man: (scared) Uh...what are you doing out? I thought they locked you up?

Paul: I oughtta punch you right in the head!

[Pedestrians look at him with concerned looks]

Man: (faking innocence; loudly) What? Punch an old cripple? Why, I don't even have any legs!

Paul: (irate) Oh that's right, you're a big war hero! Well whoopty doo! Everyone feel sorry for the war vetran! I could've been in prison right now on felony charges! Felony!

[Pedestrians look scared as they walk by]

Man: (quietly so only Paul can hear) Well you're the moron that agreed to help carry smuggled alcohol. If you're that dumb you deserve to go to prison.

Paul: (outraged) I ought to roll you down a hill! I'll never help a handicapped man ever again!

[A few large men approach]

Large Pedestrian: Hey you disgusting punk! You better back off or you're gonna get really, really hurt.

Paul: (innocently) Hey listen fellas...I don't want any trouble. I had that guy's smuggled alcohol the other day and then he sicked the police on me and--

Large Pedestrian 2: Well, we're not gonna get the police involved this time.

Man: He said he was going to follow me home and rob me! I'm so scared!

[Paul takes off and the big guys chase him]

Large Pedestrian 3: Don't let him get away!

--

[The classroom with Ryan sitting next to an attractive girl]

Ryan: (trying to be smooth) So...Rachel...what up?

Rachel: Nothing. How are you?

Ryan: Oh, I'm good...now. I'm real good.

Rachel: (confused) That's nice.

Ryan: So...I understand that you have no plans this weekend.

Rachel: Well, me and my roomates were thinking about going camping.

Ryan: (condescending) Camping? Listen, why don't I do you a favor and save you from a lame weekend and take you out tomorrow. You and me, we could go to a drive-in and see what happens.

Rachel: Um...I don't think so.

Ryan: All right...what if we go to the gym and you can watch me work my pecs?

Rachel: How 'bout not?

Ryan: (snapping out of his lady-lovin' mode) What? Why? I thought that--

Rachel: You know you're really creeping me out.

Ryan: No, see I'm really not--

Rachel: I'm gonna go now. I thought you were a nice guy yesterday.

[She gets up and leaves]

Ryan: (to himself) I should've asked her to feel my biceps. ...Dang it!

--

[in the classroom with Elliot and Justin. Professor Spink (who looks like Sigmund Freud) is in front of the class]

Professor Spink: So...I see that Forrest Gump decided to bring Bubba with him to class. What's your name Bubba?

Justin: (tough-guy mode) Terk.

Professor: What'd you say?

Justin: You heard me. ...And you?

Professor: I'm Professor Spink--professor of Philosophy.

Justin: Well here's a philosophy: don't have a name that makes you sound like you're a muppet.

[kids laugh]

Professor: (defensive) It's Russian! Jerk.

Justin: Is it Russian? Or Fraggle? Are you from Fraggle Rock, Sigmund?

[kids laugh]

Professor: (acting oblivious) Sigmund? I'm sorry but I don't know what you're talking about.

Justin: Are you kidding me? Beside the fact that you reek of Superego, your obviously caught in the anal fixation stage.

Professor: Well you probably don't even know what Freud's 'Id' really is anyway.

Justin: I know enough to tell that you were so repressed you hit puberty when you were 24.

[kids laugh]

Professor: (super defensive) At least I'm not the one with a loser for a friend...loser!

Justin: Okay, that hurt the first time I heard it...when I was in 2nd grade.

[kids laugh]

Professor: Well you probably were a loser in 2nd grade!

Justin: Is that the best you got, Spinkter?

Professor: I hate you Jerk! [runs out]

--

[somewhere on the street Paul walks up to Ryan. Paul has a black eye and his clothes are roughed up]

Ryan: What happened to you?

Paul: I got beat up. That same guy in the wheelchair sicked his goons on me.

Ryan: And they punched you in the head?

Paul: Yeah.

Ryan: Are you sure?

Paul: I think I would know if I was getting slammed in the head by 6 guys with bowling balls for fists! Anyway, you taking that girl out tomorrow?

Ryan: Uh...no. Not really.

Paul: You were a rooster weren't you? You creeped her out didn't you?

Ryan: (ashamed) ...yeah.

Paul: C'mon man...let's go get your mind off of it.

Ryan: Can we go to the high school football game and flirt with girls?

Paul: See that's creepy. I know you're a good kid--so why do you get creepy?

Ryan: I don't know...I don't want to be creepy.

Paul: I know buddy. I know.

the end