Episode 4: The Bathroom and the Plan


[Paul, Justin, Elliot, and Ryan in the Registration Office at the University]

Elliot: This is the best idea we've ever had

Paul: I can't believe we didn't think about this earlier.

Justin: We will go down in university history as geniuses. And it won't even be for any scholastic achievement.

Ryan: Yeah, that is if we don't chicken out first.

[Missy and Mandy enter and everyone gets real quiet]

Missy: Boys...what were you just talking about?

Paul: (searching) Oh, well about...uh--

Justin: About Rodney's good-bye party.

Missy: That's nice of you guys.

Mandy: Oh yeah, when is his last day?

Missy: This Friday. I'm so sad he's leaving.

Mandy: Me too.

Missy: Oh well, we better get to that meeting--we're late.

[They put their stuff on their desks and leave again]

Ryan: Whew! That was close. I thought they caught us.

Elliot: What? What did you say?

Ryan: I said: I thought they caught us.

Elliot: You bought a Taurus?

Ryan: Are you deaf?

Justin: No man, he's got a big-time inner ear infection in both ears. He's trying to get it fixed but Missy told him to wait and do it during the summer break.

Paul: Why?

Justin: Well, cause all we do here is answer phones and talk to people at the window. If he has the doctors do what they want to he won't be able to hear or talk to anybody. They put some magic lotion on his eardrums and then insert cotton deep in his ear canals. He'll be even less able to hear.

[Elliot gets up to walk over to the closet but gets tipsy and falls into Missy's desk and knocks stuff over]

Elliot: Sorry, it's the inner ear infection. Vertigo. heh heh.

Ryan: You gotta get that checked out man. You look like a drunk figure skater.

Paul: Yeah, if it's in your inner ear Missy won't be able to see the cotton.

Elliot: Okay. Don't tell anyone, but I'm going in later today to get it done.

Ryan: Crap! I just thought of something.

Justin: What?

Ryan: We have to throw Rodney a surprise party now.

Paul, Justin and Elliot: Dang it.

Paul: Hey guys, I'll be right back--cover my phone okay?

--

[Paul enters the restroom. The restroom has two urinals and one stall.]

[He walks in and looks in the mirror at first then slowly turns towards a urinal. Just then a man rushes into the stall. Paul gets wide-eyed and runs out.]

--

[back in the office]

Paul: [coming in] I can't take this!

Justin: What?

Paul: Every time I go into the bathroom in a public place I freak out. I think I have some sort of problem.

Ryan: Are you scared of water or something?

Paul: No!

Justin: You're scared of zippers huh? I had a cousin who has to wear sweats all the time.

Paul: No, I freak out if other people are in there. Think about what you're doing. And if you're a guy in a public place another guy is doing his thing a foot and a half away from you. And most of the time the divider is so short you could just look over it if you wanted to. I wouldn't even feel comfortable with that in my own house with someone there, let alone in public place with some guy that smells like meat loaf whizzing next to me.

Ryan: I once had a guy try to strike up conversation with me while we were doing our thing. What kind of conversation are you supposed to have under those circumstances? "So, everything coming out okay?"

Justin: I hear you man. I mean, I'm not freakishly petrified like Paul is, but what I hate is when a guy comes in to do...ya know--the big deal. I can't just be in there with that going on.

Paul: I know! That's what just happened to me! And he ran in.

Elliot: Oh, that can't be good.

Paul: So here I am, and I can't go pee because there's some guy in the bathroom. I hate this!

Ryan: You know that the President upstairs has his own bathroom.

Paul: Oh man, I would literally kill a person for that.

Elliot: Seriously? Death over whizzing? That's barbaric. I'll bet barbarians are the only people who killed about whizzing. Ghengis Khan, that's who you are.

Paul: Okay, not "kill"...but possibly "rough up".

Justin: (quietly) Paul! The head custodial closet is open across the hall.

Paul: So?

Justin: He has extra keys to every room in the building. You could take the President's bathroom key.

Ryan: What? What if he walks in--or worse, what if he runs in and finds Paul sitting there? Tell me how that would end.

Justin: He's never in his office, let alone his bathroom.

[Paul jolts out the door and runs across the hall into the closet. He comes out with keys and runs up the stairs.]

Justin: So back to our plans. Are you guys in?

Elliot: I don't know, if I can't hear how am I gonna do it?

Ryan: You're chickening out!

Elliot: I'm mimicking a cow?

Ryan: No!

Justin: (louder than normal) Well what if you do the evening job?

Elliot: Okay, okay, okay...I'm in.

--

[Paul looks around super-cautiously as he unlocks the door to the bathroom and enters.]

[He looks around. There's classical music playing and artwork on the walls. It has wood paneling on the walls and maroon carpet on the floor. There's baskets of flowers, chocolates, and an ice chest with bottled water on a table. There's a leather couch and a urinal on the wall. Paul opens what looks like a closet and it's the stall.]

--

[back in the office]

Paul: He's got a heated seat! I didn't even need to, but I sat on it for ten minutes and read the Washington Post while my feet were in the foot massager. It's like another world in there.

Justin: (laughing) The wonderful world of whizzing.

Ryan: (laughing) The porcelain palace of pee.

Elliot: (laughing) The closet of...broken dreams.

Justin: (not laughing) Do you even know what we're talking about? Can you even hear us?

Elliot: I thought so.

Justin: Let's hope not.

--

to be continued