Episode 3: The Football Game (continued)

[setting: College football game. Rodney and Paul are painted blue. Rodney has a white "n" and Paul has a white apostrophe "t" on their torsos. They have plastic megaphones.]

Paul: I WILL PUNCH YOUR LEG 24!!! YOU WILL CRY LIKE YOUR GRANDMA WHEN I PUSHED HER DOWN AT THE GROCERY STORE LAST WEEK!!! OH HOW SHE WEPT!!!

Rodney: Paul, you are opening up my eyes to the possibilities of being a rabid fan. I never knew that you could effect the course of the game like you have.

Paul: Rodney my young friend, I have never been one to boast, but I am the single greatest fan on the face of the earth. No one has the instincts and the pure passion that I possess.

Rodney: So what can I do to become a better fan? Should I curse?

Paul: No, no...that's not necessary. You just have to yell disturbing things that, if heard, would send the player into whirlwind of emotion and cause him to question life itself. Why don't we practice?

[they turn back to the field to yell into their megaphones]

Paul: HEY #35! I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU AFTER THE GAME!!! WE WILL TAKE TURNS PUNCHING EACH OTHER AND I WILL BEAT YOU!!! YOUR NOSE WILL LOOK LIKE A PIECE OF ROTTEN CABBAGE!!! (to Rodney) Go ahead.

Rodney: um....#56! YOU LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE A WOODEN LEG!!! I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM!!! YOU SHOULD GET THAT CHECKED OUT!

[Rodney looks at Paul for approval]

Paul: uh...that wasn't very good at all. You sounded like a senile old man.

Rodney: Hold on, I can do better. (turns to the field) HEY #44!!! I BELIEVE THAT YOU ARE THE WORST PERSON TO PLAY FOOTBALL FOR YOUR PARTICULAR UNIVERSITY!!! ...AND YOU SMELL LIKE VINEGAR AND A DEAD GOAT !

Paul: Okay....a little better.

--

[somewhere else in the stands--Justin, Coralie (his financee) and her parents are watching the game.]

Father: Wow, this is quite the defensive struggle.

Justin: (concerned and nervous) Yeah, who'd of thought that in the third quarter the score would be 3-0. (shaking his head) Not a touchdown the whole day.

Mother: So Justin, you're graduating with what degree?

Justin: Um...I'm not too sure right now. I'm still trying to, uh...ya know, figure it out.

Father: So you're 24 and you don't know what you're majoring in? hmm! By the time I was your age I was a partner at a law firm. A man without a plan is just a boy.

Coralie: Dad. (Gives him a look) He's thinking about a career in marketing, aren't you honey?

Mother: Marketing? Like doing billboards? I despise those smutty things.

Father: Perverted. That's what those public signs are. It takes a real pervert to think up those ads.

Justin: Actually I was thinking about doing commercials.

Coralie: (encouraging) Tell them about your commercial ideas, honey.

Justin: (hesitant) Okay, well I really like thinking about what commercial I would do for a particular product. Like the other day I was thinking about Mug Root Beer. I'd show a bunch of people getting their mug shots taken at a police station and they're all drinking Mug Root Beer. And then at the end it says, "If you have a mug, we have your root beer."

[Coralie's parents look totally unamused.]

Mother: Why would criminals have soda?

Father: So you're saying that root beer is for felons and crooks? That's perverted.

Justin: (turns to the field) Hey look at that, we fumbled on the 10 yard line.

--

[Back to Paul and Rodney]

Rodney: #88!!! YOU HAVE NOT CAUGHT A PASS ALL DAY AND I THINK YOUR TEAM IS GOING TO LOSE BECAUSE OF YOUR POOR PERFORMANCE!!! YOUR ARMS LOOK LIKE THEY'RE MADE OF EAZY CHEESE!!!

Paul: YOUR GIRLFRIEND CALLED--SHE SAID SHE WANTS TO DATE SOMEONE MORE MANLY--SO SHE'S GONNA DATE A MALE CHEERLEADER!!! SUCKA!!!

Rodney: (laughing to Paul) That was awesome!!!

Paul: (laughing) So was your's!

(all the guys in the human billboard congratulate Paul and Rodney)

Paul: (to the entire student section) Okay, when we score a touchdown and beat these punks, we're gonna rush the field!!!

[everyone gets fired up and yells in agreement.]

Rodney: But Paul, it's the fourth quarter and there's only 3 minutes to go and the other team has the ball. Besides, we haven't scored all game.

Paul: (serious) Well my friend, that's all about to change. We'll have to attack their team where it matters most...the quarterback.

Rodney: (amazed) No!

Paul: HEY #14!!!

[the quarterback drops back to pass]

Paul: THE MAYOR CALLED AND TOLD ME THAT YOUR PARENTS JUST GOT IN A BRUTAL CAR WRECK AND DIED!!!

[The quarterback jerks and the pass is way off and it gets intercepted. The player scampers towards the touchdown and scores as Paul, Rodney, and company go crazy.]

--

[back to Justin and Coralie and her parents--everyone is celebrating]

Father: YES!!! [high fives his wife and Coralie but not Justin]

[everyone is ecstatic]

Justin: (faking enthusiasm) Wow! We're gonna win! Exciting! (to Coralie's parents) So I proposed to Coralie and she said "yes." We were thinking about getting married in December.

[her parents calm down quickly--while the rest of the crowd slowly settles down]

Mother: What?! (to Coralie) You want to be the wife of a perverted commercial maker?

Father: (to Justin) Were you attempting to slip this information by us right after a touchdown so we wouldn't notice?

Justin: (scared) What? No. Huh? Why would I do that?

Father: What, you think we're idiots? (to Coralie) You're not marrying the crappy commercial guy.

Justin: (looking at the field) Go team! Yeah! We can't lose!

Father: Listen pal, you're not gonna sneak in a proposal here.

Justin: (innocently) What? I'm sorry, what are you talking about?

Father: You can't just act like we didn't hear what you said!

[Justin pauses, thinking about what to do]

Justin: (holding back the tears) I'm gonna go get a hot dog. Anybody want one?

--

[back to Paul and Rodney]

Paul: There's thirty seconds left to victory!!!

Rodney: But they're about to score.

Paul: (grabs Rodney) No. No they're not! C'mon man! (to the crowd) Remember, we're rushing the field when we win!!!

[the clock is down to 15 seconds as the opposing running back heads toward the touchdown. Suddenly, the running back fumbles the ball and the home team picks it up and runs toward their end zone. The crowd is going crazy.]

[the clock is down under 10 second and the defensive player is still trying to score. Paul decides he's going to lead the rush of the field. Paul hops over the retaining bar and avoids security guards and runs out onto the field--leading the rush of the field]

[he gets to the 50 yard line and jumps around shouting "victory!" When all of the sudden:)

Stadium Announcer: (echoing throughout the stadium) PLEASE GET OFF THE FIELD!

[Paul seems to snap out of his rejoicings and looks around. He's all alone on the field. He looks at the clock and it's stopped at 2 seconds. The players are standing around looking at him]

Stadium Announcer: YOU, THE BLUE MAN ON THE 50 YARD LINE--PLEASE LEAVE THE FIELD AT ONCE!

--

[back at the office: Rodney, Paul, and Justin are standing by Elliot]

Elliot: So what did you do?

Paul: I ran to the other side of the field and hopped over the guard rail somehow and sat down. But when I looked around I found that I was sitting right in the middle of the other team's alumni section. So these old people are just staring at me as I'm waiting for 2 seconds to run off the clock.

Justin: So were you on the rush of the field when we finally won?

Paul: Well, not really. I hopped down and tried to join everyone else but the linebacker on the other team saw me running toward the field--so he dipped his beastly shoulder and dropped me like stone. I had a mild concussion and a bloody nose but such wounds are common to warriors of victory!

Rodney: (to Justin) What about you? How did Coralie's parents take your proposition?

Justin: Well, it's funny you ask. Right when I was coming back from getting a hot dog and having a good cry, I see this blue guy running out on the field. Everyone was laughing so hard--especially Coralie's father. So I say to him, "You know what's crazy? I know that guy!" And then he laughed even harder. So then I say, "Ya know Bruce, about that marriage thing--" and he says, "Justin, you're all right. Just let us know what we can do to help."

Rodney: Well look at that!

Paul: (sarcastically) Well I'm glad my being exiled from all sporting events forever was able to be the deciding factor in your engagement.

Justin: I appreciate it pal.

Paul: Well it took a good deal of crazy to get it done.

Justin: And it seems like you're the guy to turn to for a good batch of crazy.

the end