Episode 5: Naming Names

Paul: So if you could rename yourself what name would you choose?

Justin: Probably Terk.

Ryan: Terk?

Justin: Yeah, it's a tough guy name. I'd be instantly given a tough guy image.

Elliot: But what if someone can't hear too well and they ask you your name? When you tell them they might think that you called them 'jerk.'

Justin: Like I said--I'd be tough. What would you choose?

Elliot: Oh Ebeneezer von Bennett for sure.

Ryan: What? Why?

Elliot: It sounds like a 19th century inventor. I'd be mistaken for some intelligent dude.

Justin: Mistaken for sure.

Paul: Ryan what would you choose?

Ryan: Oh I'm content to be Ryan. My name is concise, confident, and cool.

Paul: But say you had to change your name--absolutely had to, what would you choose.

Ryan: (pause) Bryan.

Paul: That's original. Well maybe I'll go by Tall, or Ball, or maybe Wall.

Elliot: Or you could go by Maul. Like, "I could maul that guy." You'd be tough, like Terk over here.

Paul: (looks at his watch) Well, I'm off. I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Elliot: Yeah, I gotta get to class.

Ryan: Me too. I can't believe it's the first day of fall semester already.

--

[Elliot in a classroom of 25 students. The professor looks like Sigmund Freud.]

Professor: I am Professor Spink and this is Philosophy 115: Deep Thought in American Culture. I'll go ahead and call roll. If you want to go by another name--your middle name or what have you, just tell me.

[Elliot gets the "that gives me an idea" look]

[A little later]

Professor: (calling roll) 'Elliot McMillan'.

Elliot: (raises hand) Right here. But I go by Ebeneezer von Bennett.

Professor: Excuse me?

Elliot: (confidently) Ebeneezer...von...Bennett.

Professor: Is that your alias?

[students laugh]

Elliot: No. That's my name. It's quite prestigious.

Professor: Well, dummy, that's the most irrelevant thing I've ever heard--idiot.

[kids laugh]

Elliot: It's just something I go by. You know, like the 19th century inventor.

Professor: Oh, did he invent the moron or did you?

[kids laugh]

Professor: Let me ask you Ebeneezer, did you ever get beat up as a kid?

Elliot: No. At least not that I can remember.

Professor: Well if anyone could forget about being punched in the head, it'd be you...loser. (acting like a really dumb Elliot) 'Duh...is someone pounding their fists into my head? Hmm...I can't tell because I have the same IQ as a bottle of glue.'

[kids laugh hard]

--

[Paul's walking home along a semi-busy street. A man in his 50's rolls up in a wheelchair. He has no legs and looks like he may be homeless.]

Man: Hey man, you think you could help me with something? I'd really appreciate it.

Paul: Oh, for sure. I'll help you.

Man: I just need you to carry this bag of groceries to my house. It's just a block up from here.

Paul: No problem...I'm in no hurry.

[they roll and walk toward his house]

Paul: So are you a war veteran or something?

Man: A war veteran? Why does everyone ask me that?

Paul: I don't know, I just figured...nothing--I don't know.

Man: Cause I have no legs? Is that it?

Paul: (acting mildly shocked) Oh...yeah. Huh...you don't have any legs....look at that. No that's not it at all, in fact I didn't even notice until you just mentioned it now. You just look tough like you may have fought in a war or something. (he glares at Paul) You know, like a General, or a colonel even. It's just a weathered, warrior toughness that you can just...sense.

[A policeman pulls up in his squad car]

Policeman: Hey James. How are you doing?

Man: (nervous) Hello officer. I'm fine. No problems here.

Policeman: (getting out of his car) Well why don't we just see about that? You wouldn't happen to have any of that illegal Peruvian tequila in your possession would you?

Man: Oh no officer.

Policeman: (scanning the man with his eyes) You know that stuff's illegal. It can inebriate a horse with one tablespoon. It's like drinking jet fuel.

Man: I know, I'd never have that stuff in my possession of my own free will and choice. (he nods towards Paul).

Policeman: (to Paul) You wouldn't know anything about this would you pal?

Paul: What? Of course not? I was just--

Policeman: (grabs the paper grocery bag in Paul's hand) And what do we have here?

[pulls out the Peruvian liquor]

Man: He's my dealer officer! I told you I'd deliver and I did!

Paul: What?! This is the thanks I get for helping you out?!

Policeman: (grabs Paul) All right big boy, you've peddled the last of your South American hot water.

[he cuffs Paul]

--

[back at the office with Justin, Ryan, Paul, and Elliot]

Ryan: Wow. I can't believe that.

Paul: Yeah, it was a set up. The guy told the officer that he'd lead him to his supplier. So when I said, "This is what I get for helping you out?" the officer took that as a confession.

Justin: Good thing your father is a judge.

Paul: Yeah, I explained it to him and he pulled some strings. I'll tell you what, that's the last time I ever help the handicapped.

Ryan: (to Elliot) So how was your class?

Elliot: It sucked! I went and used my new name--ya know, Ebeneezer von Bennett--and then my Professor made fun of me all hour.

Justin: No offense, but that name makes fun of itself.

Elliot: Well that may be, but this guy went into bully mode. It was like he was Biff and I was George McFly. It reminded me of fifth grade when the girls would yell, "Smelly Ellie with the big pot-belly."

Justin: What you need is a bully protector.

Elliot: What do you mean?

Justin: Someone who is so cynical and so sarcastic that he'll meet any taunts with fury and emotional scarring.

Elliot: Well how in the world do I get one of those?

Ryan: Elliot, do you realize who you're talking to? Justin is a lumberjack--he can cut anyone down. He's a metaphorical Paul Bunyan.

Justin: I have done quite a bit of bully repelling work...mostly in high school. But it is a gift that I've been given.

Elliot: I need you man. I can't take this guy on. C'mon, just come to class with me tonight.

Justin: (pause) Oh all right. I guess I could use some entertainment.

to be continued