Episode 11: The Gameshow

[In the Registration office at some university. Elliot, Paul, and Ryan are sitting around in their office chairs.]

Paul: So then I say to her, "Oh yeah? Well you remind me of a gerbil!"

Elliot: You told your girlfriend that she looked like a gerbil?

Paul: Elliot, she told me that if I were an animal I'd be a St. Bernard! A ST. BERNARD! That's the fat loser of the kanine kingdom, of course I had to tell her that she looked like a gerbil. . . those puffy cheeks and beady little eyes.

Ryan: I think you're thinking of a hamster.

Elliot: So you broke up then?

Paul: That's the thing--I can't shake this girl.

Elliot: What do you mean?

Paul: Well, after I told her that she looked like a gerbil, I really started to look at her and then I said to myself, "Paul, you're dating a freakin' gerbil." I couldn't even look at her after that. . . she was repugnant!

Ryan: So what's the big deal? Why didn't you just break up with her?

Paul: I did! I tried for three hours but when I told her that things weren't working out she told me that I'm the only one that truly understands her. She said something about how other boys don't care about her like I had, and then of course she started to cry. I'm telling you boys, seeing her tears rolling over those puffy gerbil cheeks was a hard thing to deal with. It got to the point where I felt so awkward that I decided to just concede and stay together.

Ryan: Well, have fun with the rodent-woman.

Elliot: Hey, does she have buck-teeth? Cause I think you might be thinking of a guinea pig.

[Justin enters]

Justin: [mumbling to himself] Stupid gameshow. . . can't believe this garbage.

Elliot: Hey what's going on?

Justin: What's going on? You want to know what's going on?

Elliot: Thus the question.

Paul: It's hence the question.

Elliot: Whatever.

Justin: My professor for my media entertainment class is in charge of that stupid local cable gameshow College Square-off--

Ryan: Isn't that just a rip off of Family Feud except with college students?

Justin: Yeah and he thinks it's the best thing on local cable, but anyway, today in class we had a stupid drawing to see who got to appear on his dumb gameshow and my name was chosen.

Elliot: Oh my goodness! You're going to be on College Square-off? That's like my favorite day time local gameshow of all time! I've always wanted to go on that show!

Justin: Well, you're in luck, cause I won the right to two spots on the team representing our school.

Elliot: Are you kidding me? Seriously, are you kidding me, cause if you are I will stab you with a dull pencil.

Justin: No I'm not kidding. And if I didn't have to do it for a grade, I'd let any of you take my place.

Paul: I don't think it's that bad, it's kind of exciting--I mean, at least you get to be on TV.

Justin: But the game is ridiculous! Have you seen it? He made us watch it today in class and the answers to those supposed "surveys" they take of 100 college students make no sense! They had a category that said, "What is the most common word to come after the word chicken," and the number one answer was food! Chicken food?

Elliot: What's so wrong with that?

Justin: It's like they surveyed 100 mental patients or two year olds or something.

Ryan: Chicken soup--that's what I would've said.

Justin: Exactly.

Paul: Who cares? At least you're not dating a gerbil that won't take no for an answer.

Justin: (pause-stare-pause) Excuse me?

Elliot: Paul's girlfriend looks like a gerbil and when he tried to break up with her she wouldn't let him.

Justin: Oh, whew. I thought for a second there that my Cheerios this morning were lined with crack.

Paul: I wish it were that simple.

Justin: Listen, all you need to do is break up and walk away.

Paul: What do you mean?

Justin: What do you mean, what do I mean? You just break up, and walk away right after so she doesn't have any time to cry and plead and--

Elliot: Give you those little gerbil looks that make you feel so awkward.

Justin: Exactly.

Paul: You know that's just practical enough to work.

Elliot: (to Paul) Okay enough about you, (to Justin) when do we get to be on College Square-off?

Justin: They're actually filming it tonight so meet me at the studio at 6 o'clock and wear some sort of university shirt or anything that identifies our school.

Elliot: Kay, I'm there.

to be continued