Episode 9: The Electoral College

[In the office with Justin, Paul, and Elliot]

Elliot: So the other day I was at home playing Solitare, and I like to gamble when I play, so I had some bills and coins out--

Paul: You gamble when you play Solitare? Who are you betting?

Elliot: Hello, it's called Solitare . . . I was betting myself. Anyway, I got to looking at the 5 dollar bill and I noticed something quite ominous.

Justin: What was that?

Elliot: Abraham Lincoln and I have the exact same ears.

Justin: Excuse me?

Elliot: His lobes . . . their exactly like mine.

Paul: Bull! Justin you're rich, let me see a 5.

[Justin pulls out a 5 dollar bill and gives it to Paul]

Paul: [examines the bill] Hmm . . . I don't believe it. You do have Lincoln's lobes.

Elliot: I told you! I bet there's some strange connection between the Great Emancipator and I.

Justin: The connection is that all humans have ears, pal.

[Ryan enters]

Ryan: So get this guys! The elections for student body president and vice president are coming up and there taking submissions, right? So all we have to do is fill out this form and we'll have candidates on the ballot!

Paul: Who the crap are you implying should be president? Cause personally I think I'm the only logical choice . . . none of you know the first thing about being a politician. I'd have a platform that would reduce students' tuition--but see, you also have to appease administration, or "Big businesses"--like the Republican Party does. So I'd oppress Freshmen by making them take stats classes in their first semester.

Ryan: No, I have a way better plan for this than just running for office. That's boring. This, my friends will be a scam for the ages.

Elliot: What do you mean?

Ryan: Okay, here's what we do--we're going to create two people that don't even exist, have them run for office, and promise so many things that they get elected. So when all the smoke clears, there won't be anyone to put into office. It'll be one of the biggest scams ever!

Paul: Hey . . . that's a pretty dang good scam. Let's do it!

Justin: Okay, but we have to have names for these guys.

Elliot: Uh . . . what about David Robinson and, uh . . . Bill Russell.

Justin: Like the basketball players? C'mon.

Elliot: Basketball players?

Ryan: What about this? We mix our names. We could combine Justin and I to have "Rustin," that's cool. And then Paul and Elliot could be . . . mmm. . . Paulliot, or Elliaul.

Justin: Okay, I like "Rustin" but the second one sound like he's from Iraq or Kazakistan or something . . . and let's be honest, that's not too believable.

Paul: No, that's good! We could go foreign--people are always looking for diversity. We could have Rustin Jones as the president and Elliaul Jerihu from Baghdad as the VP.

Justin: All right, I'm in.

[They start filling out the forms.]

Elliot: (looking at the forms) Wait a second, it's asking for a student ID number. These made up guys don't have one.

Ryan: Bro, we have access to create students' records here at the registration office. We'll just make up some records for these guys. [He goes to a computer and starts typing]

Paul: This scam is so good, we'd be dumb not to do it!

---

[The next day Ryan, Paul, Elliot, and Justin are in the large building that contains the food court and a lot of open seating for students to study and eat. In their arms are signs and posters.]

Ryan: Okay, let's split up and put up these signs.

Elliot: Man Ryan, you really went all out.

Ryan: Well I have two cousins that work in publications, so we just stayed up until 2 making these posters.

Justin: Well all right . . . let's go!

----

[Paul is in a study hall putting up posters.]

[He puts up a Poster that reads: Rustin Jones and Elliaul Jerihu for STB Presidency: We'll do all we can to make sure that you get good grades. Even if we have to cheat for you--because we're like that. Paul puts up the next one that reads: Rustin Jones and Elliaul Jerihu: Diversity for you, Diversity for all, Diversity for us. Paul reads this one.]

Paul: What does that even mean?

----

[Elliot is putting up posters by some students eating lunch.]

[He puts one poster up that reads: Rustin and Elliaul: Vote for us, we like to bathe the elderly. "We do it because we care, and we care because we do it." --Rustin. The students eating lunch look at him strangely. He puts up another one that reads: Rustin Jones + Elliaul Jerihu - discrimination = success! (divided by love).]

Student 1: (To Elliot) What does that even mean?

Elliot: Uh, it means that they're diverse and successful.

Student 2: No . . . the one about bathing the elderly. What does that dumb statement at the end mean?

Elliot: (pauses to think) What doesn't it mean? Eh? Think about that.

Student 1: Why don't you think about making sense, smart guy.

----

[Justin is putting up signs in a highly populated hallway.]

[He puts up his first poster; it reads: Rustin Jones and Elliaul Jerihu: Go to the Tuition Office and ask for 10% off your tuition, courtesy of Rustin and Elliaul.]

Justin: (to himself) I don't think Ryan thought that one out.

[He hangs up the next one. Rustin and Elliaul: Vote for us and we'll wash your car! "We like you . . . we like you a lot!" --Elliaul.]

Justin: (to himself) Oh that's good. False promises--tasty.

----

[They meet back up where they started from.]

Ryan: How'd it go?

Elliot: I got heckled . . . a lot actually.

Ryan: What? Why?

Elliot: I don't think people understood what the posters meant.

Paul: I don't think I understood what the posters meant. (to Ryan) Frankly, I don't think you know what the posters meant. Ryan, you have a poster telling the students that you'll abolish all grades below a B+.

Ryan: All politicians lie. C'mon guys, it's a brilliant tactic! This is what we agreed to do.

Justin: No guys, he's right. Did you have the poster that said "Vote for us and we'll do your homework for you"?

Paul: No, but I had one that said "Vote for us and we'll kiss your girlfriend for you". That's just going to offend people.

Ryan: No it won't . . . it's called sarcasm. It's smart and funny. Anyway, we'll see how people like our signs because the campus newspaper is going to release their poll results tomorrow.

Paul: Well, if we keep up with signs like the one that says "If you don't vote for us we'll probably burn down your apartment," then I think we might have some ground to cover in those polls.

to be continued