Episode 11: The Gameshow (continued)

[Paul and his girlfriend (Jill) are sitting at a table in a restaraunt. Jill is talking very quickly and Paul looks like he's feeling a mixture of boredom and agony.]

Jill: So then, I was like, "I did not use this toothbrush!" And the Wal-mart guy was like, "Then why are the bristles worn?" And I was like, "I don't know, why don't you tell me?" So then he talked to his manager and I totally got my three bucks back and I was all: "it's about time!"

Paul: (completely uninterested) Hmm. Three bucks--that's worth it.

Jill: Yeah. (quick pause) Oh my gosh, did I tell you about what my mom told me last night?

Paul: Possibly.

Jill: She called me up and was like, "Oh my gosh, were you watching American Idol?" And I was like, "Totally," and she was like, "did you hear what Simon told Paris?" And I was like, "Oh my gosh, yeah..."

Paul: [standing up] Okay! That's it! I can't do this anymore!

Jill: (concerned) What's wrong Paulie?

Paul: Are. . . you. . . kidding me? YOU! You are wrong! Wrong in the head possibly! I can't stand this! [motions to himself and Jill]

Jill: (starting to cry) Are you saying you want to break up?

Paul: Not only do I want to break up, but I would rather super glue my eyeballs to hot coals than be with you.

Jill: (sobbing) But Paulie!

--

[at the office with Paul and Ryan.]

Ryan: You took her back?

Paul: I'm weak. Really weak.

Ryan: I can't believe you blew up on her--in a public setting no less, and then you took her back? You are really weak.

Paul: I know! But I'm telling you, she doesn't go down without a fight. She's good. She leads you on to think that she's possibly in the top 10 dumbest people of all time, but she's not.

Ryan: Is she crafty like the Beastie Boys sang?

Paul: You know what? She is crafty. I don't know. . . I guess to have a permanant breakup I just need to out think her.

Ryan: Speaking of out thinking someone, aren't Justin and Elliot doing College Square-off right now?

Paul: I think they are.

---

[On site at a very low budget game show. Justin, Elliot, and some various people from their university are there. Everyone on the team except Justin has body paint all over their bodies in their school colors. Justin is wearing a hat from the university. The other team is equally enthusiastic about the game show.]

Gameshow Host (Gary): [to the camera] Welcome back folks. We have quite the heated game here on College Square-off. The Blue team has 45 points and the Red team has 55 points. Let's start round two over here with our team that's almost entirely painted in blue.

[he goes over to Justin and Elliot's team]

Gary: [to Justin] All right (looks at name tag) Justin, real quick--why was it that you chose to not paint your body blue?

Justin: (faking enthusiasm) Well Gary, call me crazy, but I just don't feel like painting my head with latex paint. I don't know, I guess it's just the thought of painting my head with latex paint.

Gary: Understandable. Okay Blue team it's your turn. We've polled 100 college students to find the answers to the following question: Name something that goes with chocolate cake. Justin, we'll start with you. We're looking for the top 5 answers.

Justin: (sarcastically) You know what Gary? I'm feeling crazy so I'm going to say ice cream.

Gary: All right, let's look at the board. . . ice cream!

[A buzzer sounds, indicating the wrong answer.]

Gary: Oh, I'm sorry.

Justin: Are you frickin' kidding me? Are these students Jehovah's Witnesses? Have they never been to a birthday party?

Gary: Let's go to our next teamate--Jared. Chocolate cake, what goes with it?

Jared: Um. . . what about jam?

Gary: All right. (to the board) Jam!

[a ding sounds, indicating a correct answer, and the second highest answer turns over to show "Jam."]

Justin: Cake and jam? Did you poll the University of Grandparents? C'mon!

Gary: Our next contestant is Sarah. What do you think Sarah?

Sarah: (very unsure) Uh. . . I don't know. Salt and pepper?

Gary: Salt and pepper? You're sure?

Sarah: My dad sometimes salts his cake.

Gary: All right, let's see salt and pepper.

[buzzer sounds indicating a wrong answer]

Gary: All right, now we have Elliot. Big chance here Elliot. . . what do you think?

Elliot: Um. . . what about maple syrup?

Gary: All right. . . maple syrup!

[a ding sounds, indicating a correct answer and the number 3 answer turns over.]

Gary: All right Eddie, what do you think goes best with chocolate cake?

Eddie: (pauses, seriously contemplating) What about, a good book?

Gary: A good book?

Eddie: (trying to assure himself) Yeah, a good book. A good book!

Gary: All right. . . a good book.

[a buzzer sounds indicating an incorrect answer]

Gary: Ohhhh. . . I'm sorry.

---

[Paul and Jill are eating at a Denny's]

Paul: Do you think they serve Big Slams at night? I love breakfast at night, it's the only meal where you can put maple syrup on anything. You know I'd put maple syrup on every meal if I could.

Jill: Hmm.

Paul: So, have you seen those new ear pieces that are cell phones?

Jill: Yeah.

Paul: I mean, the whole phone is just that little ear piece. It's so futuristic.

Jill: Yeah, so.

Paul: Don't you think that they were probably developed by some geeky Star Trek fan? I mean, look at 'em. Doesn't it seems a little suspicious that they look like a form of Klingon communicae?

Jill: All right, that's it. [she stands up] I can't do this anymore. [motioning to Paul and herself]

Paul: Are you breaking up with me?

Jill: Your conversation topics are ridiculous. Yesterday you talked for hours about how liquid laundry detergent should be discontinued because it could easily be mistaken as a new flavor of Snapple.

Paul: Don't you agree?

Jill: It's over Paulie.

Paul: Hold on! (he stands up) You can't break up with me! I've already tried to break up with you six times! You can't break up with me. I've already broken up with you.

Jill: Whatever. I just did. [she walks away]

Paul: (yelling at her) Hey! But when someone asks--I broke up with you, right?!

---

[Back at the gameshow (College Square-off). It's a commercial break and Justin and Elliot are waiting to go on.]

Elliot: I can't believe we're the final two who get to do the final square-off.

Justin: Bro, I can't do this. This show is a joke. These answers are so stupid, I think I've dropped 40 IQ points from just being here.

Elliot: That's the thing, the answers really don't make a lot of sense. So this time when he asks you the five questions, just. . . I don't know, do a free word association or something.

Justin: All right, whatever works.

[the game show host walks up to Justin.]

Gary: All right Justin, we're on in a second. I bet you never thought you'd get this far when you won the drawing to be on the show.

Justin: (sarcastically) Yeah, this is really something.

Gary: We're on. (to the camera) We're back! And we have our first final square-off with Justin here. Are you ready Justin?

Justin: Sure. (thinking) Okay, just do the word association thing.

Gary: Thirty seconds begin. . . now. Name a month with very cold weather.

Justin: Snowball.

Gary: Name a flower you'd give your girlfriend.

Justin: Hippy.

Gary: Where could you go to find college students on spring break?

Justin: Cheetos.

Gary: How many times a day does an elephant eat?

Justin: North Dakota.

Gary: Name an actor you'd most like to watch.

Justin: Judge Judy

---

[in the parking lot outside the gameshow]

Elliot: I can't believe you got points for Judge Judy.

Justin: I know. It seems a little coutner-intuitve, but I think that college students are actually some of the dumbest people in America.

Elliot: Well, even if they're the dumbest people in America, they still know how to party.

Justin: (confused) Elliot, I hope you always go to college.