Queries and Observations

• Democrats recently took over power in Congress for the first time in over a decade. Their first order of business: a congressional kegger to get everyone nice and drunk. Or what Ted Kennedy calls "breakfast, lunch, and dinner."
• Condoleeza Rice, during her trip to the Middle East, explained that the majority of residents there desire peace. Unfortunately, along with peace, they also desire to kill everyone. So, in attempts to reconcile to two, Rice suggests we continue to "peacefully kill everyone."
• Lindsay Lohan recently checked into rehab for her alcohol abuse. In her statement she said, "I've made a proactive choice to help my personal health. Of course, I'm not acknowledging the countless destructive choices I've made concerning my personal health, but who cares, right?"
• In a related story, when males--aged 16-25--were asked in a survey if Lindsay Lohan was "in the top 3 most beautiful celebrities," 2% said yes, 15 % said no, and 83% said "yes, if by beautiful you mean ridiculously un-beautiful and by celebrity you mean annoying, drunken, no-talent, actress.
• Various families are suing the popular internet company MySpace for sexual assault. In response, MySpace responded with this brief statement: "Clearly the the families seeking reparations regarding sexual assault on MySpace.com are overlooking the mission statement of MySpace.com, which is this: 'to bring sexual assault home through your personal PC or Mac.'"
• The New England Patriots are once again heading to the AFC Championship game, and to celebrate, coach Bill Belichick slapped a cameraman, pushed over his mother, kicked a puppy, punched a girl scout, and spit on the American flag. Go Patriots!
• In a related story, Bill Belichick vowed to never change his sweatshirt-hoody--ever. A vow that he's renewed each year for over 6 years now.
• Houston Rockets center Dikembe Mutombo is sick of everyone joking about how he might be older than he really is (40 yrs. old). Seriously, it's getting really old. Of course not as old as Dikembe himself--that'd be like a 60 year old joke. Am I right? You know what I mean? He's old, but maybe even older. Funny, huh? Ah....good times, at others' expense.