Episode 12: Gender Wars (continued)

[Setting: in a very large auditorium. There are two podiums and a table down in front--classic debate setup. Mrs. Greely is sitting at the table and there is a microphone in front of her.]

Mrs. Greely: Hello, and welcome everyone to the Great Gender Debate. I am Mrs. Greely, I teach the gender class here on campus, and I will be the moderator for this debate. Now, let me introduce those representing each side for tonight's debate. First, taking the side for the women, is Karen Briggs-McCallahan.

[Karen walks onto the stage and towards a podium. She is wearing a business suit and glasses and looks very professional.]

Mrs. Greely: Karen is the president of the "Equal Womyn" club here on campus and she also volunteers at the on-campus women's crisis center as well.

[Karen receives a brief applause.]

Mrs. Greely: Now, taking the side for the men, is Elliot McMillan.

[Elliot walks out on stage and toward the other podium. He is wearing jeans and a shirt that reads: Dudes Rule.]

Mrs. Greely: Elliot is the president of the Men's Club for Truth and Equal Treatment of Men's issues here on campus. He wanted me to point out that he volunteers with burned orphan kids and reads to the homeless.

[Elliot receives a weak applause.]

Mrs. Greely: I would like to remind Karen and Elliot that we would like to keep responses under one minute long. We're going to open the debate with a question for Karen. [looking at Karen] Karen, what would you say to a young girl who thinks that because of her gender she will never have the opportunities that her male counterparts will have?

Karen: I would look that young girl in the eyes and tell her that she can have any future opportunities that she is willing to fight for. She may not have the privilege of being male--having opportunities thrown at her--but she does have the privilege of being anything she wants to be if she's willing to fight for it.

[Loud applause.]

Mrs. Greely: [to Elliot] Elliot, what would you say to that same young girl?

Elliot: [pause] You know what I would tell her? I would also look deep into her eyes and tell her that being a girl is a privilege, not a right. And that privilege lets her enjoy many things: dating boys, uh. . . wearing dresses, and let us not forget--cooking. . . very important.

[Elliot receives a few boos.]

Mrs. Greely: This question is also for Elliot. Many sociologists have recently described "gender" as something we do rather than something we are. What is your take on this?

Elliot: Mrs. Greely, let me ask you this: is my eye color something I have, or something I do? Is a flower something we have or something we do? Can you try to be a human? Have you ever tried to catch a moonbeam and put it in your pocket? Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue-corn moon?

Mrs. Greely: I'm sorry Elliot, but it sounds like you're stalling.

Elliot: Stalling?! What I'm trying to say, is that being a man is like being a chair or a bowling ball--we don't choose to do it--it chooses us.

Mrs. Greely: I see. [To Karen] Karen, same quesiton.

Karen: I'm sorry, but I can't remember the question--after all that rambling--I'm lost.

Elliot: (sarcastically) Hmm. Look at that. A girl who lost her way--that's a first.

Karen: What?! Are you implying that girls lack the ability to follow directions? Cause if you are--

Elliot: All I know is that you could drop me off in the middle of the Amazon and I'd be back in time for lunch.

Karen: The Amazon?

Elliot: Or the Himalayas, wherever.

Mrs. Greely: Okay, okay, let's settle down. We'll move on. Karen please explain to us the current state of gender equality in America.

Karen: (a little fired up) Gladly. Gender equality is clearly lacking in American society today. Women are fighting for the rights and opportunities that all humankind deserve. They are readily asking men the questions: Why are you denying my worth? What can you do that I cannot do? What difference does it make if I am female so long as I am capable? These are questions men cannot answer--or refuse to answer.

Elliot: Um, I have a question for women.

Mrs. Greely: Go ahead.

Elliot: (long pause) [to Karen] You think you're cool but you're not!

Mrs. Greely: Um, your question must be in the form of . . . a question.

Elliot: Okay then, what about this? Why do women wear pants? That's clearly an attempt to be a man.

Karen: They wear pants because they want to be comfortable and dresses aren't comfortable.

Elliot: (in a teasing manner) Then why do you wear them?

Karen: Because men demand it!

Elliot: Well I demand a sandwich, why don't you make me one!

[A collective gasp comes from the audience.]

----

[Later on in the debate. Elliot has perspiration stains under his armpits and is visibly exhausted.]

Mrs. Greely: Thank you for those closing arguments Karen. Elliot, it is now your chance to give your closing argument.

Elliot: Let's look at the facts. Fact: women are physically inferior to men. Fact: women cook better than men. Fact: women drive mini-vans, men drive F-14 fighter jets. Fact: men were made to wear pants and women were made to wear make-up look pretty. Fact: I won this debate and women lost.

Mrs. Greely: I can't believe what I've just heard. I'm spellbound.

Elliot: The truth often shocking. Men are shocking. Thank you.

[Elliot walks away from the podium. The audience (men and women) sit in silence--in horror of what they've just heard.]