Episode 12: Gender Wars (continued)

[Setting: in a very large auditorium. There are two podiums and a table down in front--classic debate setup. Mrs. Greely is sitting at the table and there is a microphone in front of her.]

Mrs. Greely: Hello, and welcome everyone to the Great Gender Debate. I am Mrs. Greely, I teach the gender class here on campus, and I will be the moderator for this debate. Now, let me introduce those representing each side for tonight's debate. First, taking the side for the women, is Karen Briggs-McCallahan.

[Karen walks onto the stage and towards a podium. She is wearing a business suit and glasses and looks very professional.]

Mrs. Greely: Karen is the president of the "Equal Womyn" club here on campus and she also volunteers at the on-campus women's crisis center as well.

[Karen receives a brief applause.]

Mrs. Greely: Now, taking the side for the men, is Elliot McMillan.

[Elliot walks out on stage and toward the other podium. He is wearing jeans and a shirt that reads: Dudes Rule.]

Mrs. Greely: Elliot is the president of the Men's Club for Truth and Equal Treatment of Men's issues here on campus. He wanted me to point out that he volunteers with burned orphan kids and reads to the homeless.

[Elliot receives a weak applause.]

Mrs. Greely: I would like to remind Karen and Elliot that we would like to keep responses under one minute long. We're going to open the debate with a question for Karen. [looking at Karen] Karen, what would you say to a young girl who thinks that because of her gender she will never have the opportunities that her male counterparts will have?

Karen: I would look that young girl in the eyes and tell her that she can have any future opportunities that she is willing to fight for. She may not have the privilege of being male--having opportunities thrown at her--but she does have the privilege of being anything she wants to be if she's willing to fight for it.

[Loud applause.]

Mrs. Greely: [to Elliot] Elliot, what would you say to that same young girl?

Elliot: [pause] You know what I would tell her? I would also look deep into her eyes and tell her that being a girl is a privilege, not a right. And that privilege lets her enjoy many things: dating boys, uh. . . wearing dresses, and let us not forget--cooking. . . very important.

[Elliot receives a few boos.]

Mrs. Greely: This question is also for Elliot. Many sociologists have recently described "gender" as something we do rather than something we are. What is your take on this?

Elliot: Mrs. Greely, let me ask you this: is my eye color something I have, or something I do? Is a flower something we have or something we do? Can you try to be a human? Have you ever tried to catch a moonbeam and put it in your pocket? Have you ever heard the wolf cry to the blue-corn moon?

Mrs. Greely: I'm sorry Elliot, but it sounds like you're stalling.

Elliot: Stalling?! What I'm trying to say, is that being a man is like being a chair or a bowling ball--we don't choose to do it--it chooses us.

Mrs. Greely: I see. [To Karen] Karen, same quesiton.

Karen: I'm sorry, but I can't remember the question--after all that rambling--I'm lost.

Elliot: (sarcastically) Hmm. Look at that. A girl who lost her way--that's a first.

Karen: What?! Are you implying that girls lack the ability to follow directions? Cause if you are--

Elliot: All I know is that you could drop me off in the middle of the Amazon and I'd be back in time for lunch.

Karen: The Amazon?

Elliot: Or the Himalayas, wherever.

Mrs. Greely: Okay, okay, let's settle down. We'll move on. Karen please explain to us the current state of gender equality in America.

Karen: (a little fired up) Gladly. Gender equality is clearly lacking in American society today. Women are fighting for the rights and opportunities that all humankind deserve. They are readily asking men the questions: Why are you denying my worth? What can you do that I cannot do? What difference does it make if I am female so long as I am capable? These are questions men cannot answer--or refuse to answer.

Elliot: Um, I have a question for women.

Mrs. Greely: Go ahead.

Elliot: (long pause) [to Karen] You think you're cool but you're not!

Mrs. Greely: Um, your question must be in the form of . . . a question.

Elliot: Okay then, what about this? Why do women wear pants? That's clearly an attempt to be a man.

Karen: They wear pants because they want to be comfortable and dresses aren't comfortable.

Elliot: (in a teasing manner) Then why do you wear them?

Karen: Because men demand it!

Elliot: Well I demand a sandwich, why don't you make me one!

[A collective gasp comes from the audience.]

----

[Later on in the debate. Elliot has perspiration stains under his armpits and is visibly exhausted.]

Mrs. Greely: Thank you for those closing arguments Karen. Elliot, it is now your chance to give your closing argument.

Elliot: Let's look at the facts. Fact: women are physically inferior to men. Fact: women cook better than men. Fact: women drive mini-vans, men drive F-14 fighter jets. Fact: men were made to wear pants and women were made to wear make-up look pretty. Fact: I won this debate and women lost.

Mrs. Greely: I can't believe what I've just heard. I'm spellbound.

Elliot: The truth often shocking. Men are shocking. Thank you.

[Elliot walks away from the podium. The audience (men and women) sit in silence--in horror of what they've just heard.]

Episode 12: Gender Wars

[setting: Elliot is in a sociology class. The female teacher (Mrs. Greely) is in front of the class.]

Mrs. Greely: And what is the major reason that women have felt inferior throughout the ages? (pause) Men.

male student: [raises his hand] That just sounds like an excuse.

Mrs. Greely: Yes, but you are a man living in a man's world. You're unable to see the experience of women because you have been socialized by a society that was built by men.

Elliot: [raises his hand] But really. . . isn't society the way it is because men are naturally smarter and stronger than women? I know that sounds bad, but. . . aren't they? I mean, not smarter, but wiser . . . and smarter. You know? I'm not being mean, but . . .

female student: [to Elliot] This is exactly why we have the club for female equality. It's men like you who are stopping the development of the "woman experience."

Mrs. Greely: It's true. In case everyone doesn't know, Karen here is the president of the "Equal Womyn" club on campus. Karen, why don't you tell us about it?

Karen: We meet every Monday and Thursday night and we talk about ways that women can better assert themselves in society and share their experiences with each other so that both genders can have equal opportunities. So if anyone's interested, we'd love to have you come visit us.

Mrs. Greely: That's great.

Elliot: Um, I'd like to make an announcement too.

Mrs. Greely: All right, what is it?

Elliot: Well I'm the president of a club for male equality here on campus and we'd love to have anyone here who's interested to come visit us. Our first meeting is tomorrow night.

Mrs. Greely: What's your club's name?

Elliot: Uh . . . The Men's Club for . . . uh, Truth and Equal Treatment of . . . Men's Issues.

Mrs. Greely: Really?

Elliot: Yeah. We talk about the oppression of the common man and the plight . . . thereof. Men have long been antagonize, just like in this classroom and we set out to stop male oppression. Oh, and by the way, the acronym for the Equal Womyn's club is EW--and that's pronounce "ew". So. . . I'm just saying, that should tell you about them.

-----

[Back in the office with Paul, Justin, and Ryan]

Paul: So if you looked into it, you'd see that Easy Cheese is nothing but wax and butter--and the EPA doesn't want you to know about it because the cheese industry is too big!

Justin: No one's doubting that Paul. We stopped listening back when you were talking about how Easy Cheese turns your pants yellow and how that really got you in trouble in elementary school.

Paul: Children can be so cruel.

Ryan: And by the way, I highly doubt the Environmental Protection Agency is keeping the cheese industry from collapsing from conspiracy.

Paul: That's what they want you to think.

[Elliot rushes in]

Elliot: I'm in a lot of trouble fellas. Yikes.

Justin: What is it?

Elliot: I accidentally created The Men's Club for Truth and Equal Treatment of Men's Issues and we're meeting tomorrow.

Paul: That's kind of like Lenin saying he accidentally create the Socialist Revolutionary Party. Strangely, comparing you to Lenin doesn't feel too weird.

Ryan: [To Elliot] What are you talking about--why are you in trouble?

Elliot: I was in my gender class and they started talking about how men are the reason the world sucks and then this girl says that she was the president of a club for women's right, or some crap like that, and so I felt like I had to stick up for our gender and I lied and said I was the president of this fake club. Man, being a man is SO HARD!

Ryan: So what's the problem?

Elliot: Well when I said we're meeting tomorrow like half of the class came up to me and asked if they could come.

Paul: How big is your class?

Elliot: About 100 people.

Paul: Yikes.

Justin: What's the big deal? This is perfect--Elliot, were any of the people who talked to you women?

Elliot: No.

Justin: Then we'll just meet tomorrow and treat this thing like a guy-only club!

Paul: Guy only? Since when have you wanted a guy's only club? Is there something you're not telling us? Are you secretly listening to Justin Timberlake and eating salads and stuff?

Justin: No! C'mon! This will be kind of like a fraternity. Men being men!

Paul: ooooooOOOOOOoooooooh! I like that.

Elliot: Whew. That's a good idea, man.

-----

[The next day in a class room where about 40-50 people are sitting around--all of them are men. Elliot, Paul, Ryan, and Justin are in front of the classroom.]

Elliot: All right everybody. I'd like to introduce you to the Men's Club for Truth and Equal Treatment of Men's Issues. I'm Elliot and I'm the club president. This here is Justin and he's the vice president. Ryan is not the secretary--that's a woman's job--he's the club handyman, and Paul is the mediator for men to women.

Paul: I tell women what we think and how we think it.

[The female gender teacher enters the room.]

Elliot: Uh . . . Mrs. Greely, I didn't expect to see you here--Mrs. Greely everyone--she's the teacher of the gender class here on campus.

Mrs. Greely: I just thought I'd stop by to see what issues you men were looking to have equal treatment of.

Elliot: Right, well . . . that's exactly what we were going to talk about. Equality for men and the lack thereof. Um . . . first issue is the . . . uh, issue of wearing pants. Yes--that's right--wearing pants. Why do women wear pants? Are they trying to be men? Wearing pants is our thing and if a woman wears pants she is saying, "You are a man and I disrespect you!"

[The men in the classroom nod their heads in agreement and a few say "yeah," or "that's right."]

Paul: It's true! You don't see us trying to wear dresses! Except for in Scotland of course, but they're clearing confused over there about who are the men and who are the women.

Elliot: Next issue: why do women always make us pay for dates? Are we nothing more than a free meal to them? If we spend do we not . . . pay?!

[Cheers of agreement come from the men in the classroom.]

Mrs. Greely: Excuse me, Elliot?

Elliot: Yes?

Mrs. Greely: I didn't mean to interrupt, but aren't those two issues complaining about opposite things?

Elliot: What do you mean?

Mrs. Greely: Well, with women wearing pants you're saying that you don't want them to infringe on what you feel is your gender role, yet you want ambiguity of gender when it comes to paying for dates.

Elliot: (long pause) I'm sorry, but you are clearly a women and cannot therefore understand the workings of the inner-brain of man.

Ryan: [quietly to Justin] Inner-brain?

Mrs. Greely: You know Elliot, I think this university would benefit from hearing from your club.

Elliot: Really?! I mean, of course.

Mrs. Greely: I'm going to set up a debate between you and Karen from the Equal Womyn's club and invite the entire university. How does that sound?

Elliot: Um . . . I can't make it, I have a thing I have to go to--I'm having a lung removed and cleaned out. Too many pollutants in the air, you know what I mean? All those women using hair spray and cheap perfume!

Mrs. Greely: Quit being modest--we'll set it up as soon as we can. [She leaves]

Elliot: Meeting adjourned.

to be continued