Episode 10: The Christmas Spirit

[in the Registration office in mid December with Paul, Justin, Ryan, and Elliot.]

Paul: What ever happened to marbles?

Ryan: What do you mean?

Paul: I mean, look at what boys play with today: they got their X-box, their internet games, and other crap like that. I used to play with little spheres of glass and then, to make things really exciting, you'd shoot them at other glass spheres by flicking them with your thumb.

Elliot: What's your point?

Paul: I'm just saying that when I was growing up boys could get by with just a stick and their imaginations. None of these bells and whistles that the kids today have.

Justin: You sound like my grandpa.

Elliot: No I agree. All I needed for fun were those little green army men and box of matches.

Justin: Yeah, until the neighbor's house caught on fire and you burned your eyebrows off.

Elliot: That only happened twice, and the second time was with a bottle rocket.

[Missy (the boss) comes in]

Missy: Hey boys, working hard as usual? (pause; as they look perplexed) Good. Anyway, I just have an announcement for you guys. Our division here has agreed to team up with some local charities to be bell ringers in front of the two Wal-Marts here in town. So from our office, we just need two of you to do it. And since I didn't want to offend everyone in town, I thought maybe Elliot and Ryan could do it.

Justin: Fine by me.

Paul: What?! Why the crap can't I do it?

Missy: Let's just say that your people skills are a little lacking.

Paul: I got better people skills than you.

Missy: Exactly.

Paul: C'mon! Let me do it.

Ryan: Missy, that sounds like a good idea, cause I don't really want to ring a bell for hours dressed like a guy who's half Santa, half bum.

Missy: (pause) Fine. Paul and Elliot all you have to do is each of you go to one of the two Wal-Marts tomorrow at noon and take over for the bell ringers on duty. And remember (looks at Paul) we're trying to raise money, not destroy Christmas.

[Missy leaves]

Elliot: Um, I never really agreed to do this.

----

[At one of the Wal-Marts. Elliot walks up to a guy already ringing the bell next to the collection bucket.]

Elliot: Hey, I guess I'm your replacement.

Guy: Good, I gotta go home and catch the end of the Pricepool.com Bowl Game.

[They start exchanging the token bell ringer Santa outfit.]

Elliot: So give me some pointers, how do I get this bucket filled?

Guy: (pause) What's to get? You ring the stupid bell and people ignore you for two hours.

Elliot: All right. Thanks for your encouragement. [the man walks away] Enjoy sitting in your underwear, eating Cheetos for the rest of your significant life.

[Elliot starts ringing his bell as people walk by without looking at him.]

----
[At the other Wal-Mart Paul walks up to the bell ringer's bucket and no one's there. The token Santa clothes are folded up and sitting on the bucket. There's a note and Paul picks it up and reads it:]

Paul: "Sorry I'm not here, I just really really hated doing this." All right. [he starts to put on the suit and starts to ring the bell. Once again, no one will even look at him, let alone put something in the bucket.]

Paul: Ho, ho, ho! Santa wants you to give to [he looks at the sign on the bucket] . . . some local charities. [A man glances at him and shakes his head] (to the man) What?! You got something about giving? Punk! (to himself) Wait, wait . . . this is exactly what Missy said I'd do. Calm down.

[He continues to ring and smiles at people who won't even look at him]

Paul: Merry Christmas everyone! [A mother shews her young child away from Paul] (to the mother) IT'S CALLED CHRISTMAS, EVER HEARD OF IT? Yeah, that's right rush off to your car cause the bell ringer is scary! Oh, and lock your doors, cause I'm crazy and I just might ring my bell s'more! (to himself) Jerks . . . no Christmas Spirit at all.

----

[back at Elliot's Wal-Mart]

[Elliot's sitting in a lawn chair (from Wal-Mart) sipping hot chocolate, wrapped up in a blanket, occasionally ringing his bell as people are crowding around his bucket waiting to put money in to it]

Elliot: Thanks everyone, just right in the bucket. If there's no more room, I can go empty my bucket inside--no need to push. Thanks.

[A lady comes out of Wal-Mart and walks up to Elliot]

Lady: Sir? Hi, I was just at the McDonald's in there and I thought I'd buy you a Big Mac. Is that okay?

Elliot: (smiling) Merry Christmas. [grabs the Big Mac and takes a big bite]

----
[back at Paul's Wal-Mart]

[Paul is still ringing as people walk by]

Paul: (to a random patron) Hey, you got any money in the purse of yours? (to another person) Have you ever given anyone anything in your life? That's right Ebenezer, think about it. (to yet another person) I can hear the coins in your pocket. You trying to make me mad or are you just stupid?

[Something strikes the back of Paul's neck.]

Paul: (rubbing his neck) What the . . . ?

[Something hits his shoulder as he hears giggling from multiple sources]

Paul: (grabs the object) What is this? Is this a piece of a candy cane? (looking out to where it might have come from) Hey! Who's throwing stuff?

[a piece hits him from behind, in the back--more giggling]

Paul: Who's out there? C'mon, you want to try your luck fighting with the bell ringer? I will POUND you!

[he's hit from behind again as the laughing seems to be coming from young teenage kids]

Paul: (he puts up his fists) COME AND GET YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS JERKS!

[Justin walks up behind him]

Justin: Who the crap are you yelling at?

[Paul wheels around--startled]

Paul: (relieved) Oh, Justin. I'm so glad you're hear.

Justin: Uh . . . okay.

Paul: I think there's some kids hiding behind the pallet of salt over there (motioning to his left) and some more kids hiding in the Christmas trees over there (motioning to his right) and they're throwing things at me.

Justin: Why would they be throwing things at you?

Paul: I don't know, (toward where the kids are) maybe cause THEY'RE JERKS AND I COULD KNOCK OUT THEIR STUPID CHRISTMAS TEETH WITH MY BELL RINGER!

Justin: Christmas teeth?

Paul: Whatever.

Justin: Hey, just pack it up if you can't take it.

Paul: Oh no. I can take it. (towards the kids) I CAN TAKE A LOT MORE!

Justin: (walking into the Wal-Mart) All right, good luck with that.

[Paul's immediately hit on all sides with pieces of candy cane.]

Paul: ARR!!!

----
[At Elliot's Wal-Mart, people are still crowding around his bucket and he's listening to an iPod, wrapped in his blanket.]

[Ryan walks up to him]

Ryan: Elliot, what are you doing?

Elliot: [take the headphones out] Oh hey, what are you doing here?

Ryan: Well Justin and I decided to come check on you and Paul, so I'm here and Justin's visiting Paul. How'd you get all these people to give while you're just sitting here doing nothing?

Elliot: What? It's called the magic of Christmas.

Ryan: (looks at the bucket) What does that bucket say?

Elliot: (nervously) Nothing! Hey, do you want some roasted almonds?

Ryan: Did you put up that sign? [Elliot shrugs nervously] Elliot, it says "This money will go directly to burned orphan kids." Is that true?

Elliot: Probably.

Ryan: Bro, that's actually pretty good.

Elliot: Hey, thanks.

Ryan: How much have you made do you think?

Elliot: I don't know, a thousand or so.

Ryan: What?! Dude, you know what we could do with that?

Elliot: I don't know, buy stuff?

Ryan: Well yeah, I guess that's right--I should've asked a different question. Do you know how much we could buy with that?

Elliot: A lot?

Ryan: Right. Okay, once again, not the best question. But whatever, the charity place probably has way more than they're expecting, we could take some and buy ourselves cool stuff.

Elliot: What about the burned orphans?

Ryan: They don't exist!

Elliot: Oh, right.

---to be continued