Skit

[At the bookstore at a university; there are 20 or so employees standing in a group waiting for their manager to start a quick staff meeting]

Manager: Okay everybody. . . (getting their attention) everybody? Okay, thanks for coming to staff meeting for book buy-back week. We're really excited to have a great week helping the students here sell their books back for a premium price. I guess, since you all know how to do a buy-back transaction, I'll just go ahead and field any questions you might have.

[multiple hands go up]

Manager: Doug. . . go ahead.

Doug (employee): Sir, last semester a kid threatened to punch me in my mouth. . . in a situation like that is it okay for me to use an explitive of some sort or maybe some style of self defense?

Manager: Um, no. . . sorry--we can't allow that. I know that some students can get pretty heated if we won't buy back their books, but policy is policy and we can only buy a certain number back. Anyway, are there any more questions that don't involve harrassment or violence of any kind?

[no one says anything; no hand go up]

Manager: Okay, now I know you're probably all wondering why I've gathered you all here for a pointless meeting, but I have a special new employee to introduce. Now he's fresh off a trial, but we don't judge here people, okay? We're giving him a break--helping him get back into a normal social environment. Everyone. . . Suddam Hussein.

[Suddam enters and stands next to the manager. He has a full beard and has a bag of Doritos.]

Suddam: (with a thick accent) Yes, hello.

Employee 1: You hired Suddam Hussein? Are you insane? He's killed possibly thousands of people!

Suddam: Thousands? More like millions! I could kill you right now if I wanted to! [turns to the manager] I am Suddam!

Manager: I know.

Employee 2: Seriously, I mean, he poisoned his own people! How can we be expected to work with this guy?

Employee 3: How can you hire an ex-dictator? He's pure evil!

Manager: Okay, remember what we said about not judging? Okay, we don't care who's killed how many people or who we poisoned when--right? Because if you think about it, we've all been dictators at one point or another okay? So think about that the next time you want to point a finger. Okay, Suddam is there anything you'd like to tell your co-workers to help them understand you willingness to work with them?

Suddam: Yes, I wish right now that I could. . . [turns to the manager and uses a voice only the manger could hear] Gary, what is your American word for sticking a knife into a man's chest?

Manager: [pause; thinking] Um. . . well Suddam, it's. . . uh, hug. To hug a someone.

Suddam: [trying to enunciate; slowly] Hug? Hug? Am I saying that right? Hug?

Manager: Yeah, that's great.

Suddam: [to the others] I wish right now that I could hug you all. Do not think that I would not do it. . . I can hug 15 men in two minutes.

[Everyone looks at each other in confusion. Suddam looks satisfied]

Manager: Okay, great people. Well, we open in two minutes, so everyone get to your posts. [to Suddam] Suddam, why don't you take the cash register right over here and just do like we talked about in training earlier.

Suddam: Yes, okay.

Manager: Um, and Suddam we typically don't allow our employees to eat Doritos while they're working. . . so, uh. . . why don't you just give them to me.

Suddam: What?! Never! I love these Doritos!

[the manager tried to take them and Suddam moves the bag to keep the manager from taking them. . . but then the manager quickly takes them and walks away]

Suddam: AARG! Ahh! [he takes out a pistol from under his arm, but shakes his head and puts it away] I am Suddam!

[Students start to file in and a boy student who looks like he's in a hurry comes up to Suddam's register.]

Student: Kay, I have these four books and uh (looks at Suddam for the first time). . . aren't you Suddam Hussein.

Suddam: Yes, I am Suddam.

Student: (unimpressed) Huh. Whatta ya know?

Suddam: [scanning the books] We are not buying back any of these books back right now.

Student: What? Ridiculous! I just bought these books four months ago! You guys are the worst!

Suddam: (getting angry) What did you say?

Student: You guys are awful--you know what? It's not even suprising that the Bookstore hired Suddam Hussein to work here.

Suddam: ARG!! I am Suddam! I could hug you right now if I wanted to and no one would know about it.

Student: (really confused) What are you talking about?

Suddam: Do you not think I am man enough? I am man enough to hug you in front of all of these people right now! I am Suddam!

Student: (walking away) What a freak!

[Suddam goes to pull out his pistol from under his arm, but the manager walks up.]

Manager: Hey Suddam, I don't know if I went over this during training, but we don't typically like to threaten the students.

Suddam: What? Why?

Manager: It just looks bad. So is that going to be a problem?

Suddam: Yes.

Manager: [pauses] Okay. (turns to walk away)

[Suddam reaches under the counter and pulls out another bag of Doritos and starts to eat them. The manager sees this and they have a similar fight for the Doritos bag until eventually the manager takes them from Suddam.]

Suddam: ARG! Ahh!

Episode 11: The Gameshow

[In the Registration office at some university. Elliot, Paul, and Ryan are sitting around in their office chairs.]

Paul: So then I say to her, "Oh yeah? Well you remind me of a gerbil!"

Elliot: You told your girlfriend that she looked like a gerbil?

Paul: Elliot, she told me that if I were an animal I'd be a St. Bernard! A ST. BERNARD! That's the fat loser of the kanine kingdom, of course I had to tell her that she looked like a gerbil. . . those puffy cheeks and beady little eyes.

Ryan: I think you're thinking of a hamster.

Elliot: So you broke up then?

Paul: That's the thing--I can't shake this girl.

Elliot: What do you mean?

Paul: Well, after I told her that she looked like a gerbil, I really started to look at her and then I said to myself, "Paul, you're dating a freakin' gerbil." I couldn't even look at her after that. . . she was repugnant!

Ryan: So what's the big deal? Why didn't you just break up with her?

Paul: I did! I tried for three hours but when I told her that things weren't working out she told me that I'm the only one that truly understands her. She said something about how other boys don't care about her like I had, and then of course she started to cry. I'm telling you boys, seeing her tears rolling over those puffy gerbil cheeks was a hard thing to deal with. It got to the point where I felt so awkward that I decided to just concede and stay together.

Ryan: Well, have fun with the rodent-woman.

Elliot: Hey, does she have buck-teeth? Cause I think you might be thinking of a guinea pig.

[Justin enters]

Justin: [mumbling to himself] Stupid gameshow. . . can't believe this garbage.

Elliot: Hey what's going on?

Justin: What's going on? You want to know what's going on?

Elliot: Thus the question.

Paul: It's hence the question.

Elliot: Whatever.

Justin: My professor for my media entertainment class is in charge of that stupid local cable gameshow College Square-off--

Ryan: Isn't that just a rip off of Family Feud except with college students?

Justin: Yeah and he thinks it's the best thing on local cable, but anyway, today in class we had a stupid drawing to see who got to appear on his dumb gameshow and my name was chosen.

Elliot: Oh my goodness! You're going to be on College Square-off? That's like my favorite day time local gameshow of all time! I've always wanted to go on that show!

Justin: Well, you're in luck, cause I won the right to two spots on the team representing our school.

Elliot: Are you kidding me? Seriously, are you kidding me, cause if you are I will stab you with a dull pencil.

Justin: No I'm not kidding. And if I didn't have to do it for a grade, I'd let any of you take my place.

Paul: I don't think it's that bad, it's kind of exciting--I mean, at least you get to be on TV.

Justin: But the game is ridiculous! Have you seen it? He made us watch it today in class and the answers to those supposed "surveys" they take of 100 college students make no sense! They had a category that said, "What is the most common word to come after the word chicken," and the number one answer was food! Chicken food?

Elliot: What's so wrong with that?

Justin: It's like they surveyed 100 mental patients or two year olds or something.

Ryan: Chicken soup--that's what I would've said.

Justin: Exactly.

Paul: Who cares? At least you're not dating a gerbil that won't take no for an answer.

Justin: (pause-stare-pause) Excuse me?

Elliot: Paul's girlfriend looks like a gerbil and when he tried to break up with her she wouldn't let him.

Justin: Oh, whew. I thought for a second there that my Cheerios this morning were lined with crack.

Paul: I wish it were that simple.

Justin: Listen, all you need to do is break up and walk away.

Paul: What do you mean?

Justin: What do you mean, what do I mean? You just break up, and walk away right after so she doesn't have any time to cry and plead and--

Elliot: Give you those little gerbil looks that make you feel so awkward.

Justin: Exactly.

Paul: You know that's just practical enough to work.

Elliot: (to Paul) Okay enough about you, (to Justin) when do we get to be on College Square-off?

Justin: They're actually filming it tonight so meet me at the studio at 6 o'clock and wear some sort of university shirt or anything that identifies our school.

Elliot: Kay, I'm there.

to be continued