A Job Interview

"I'm really looking forward to our interview Elliot."

"I am too, this is great." This is great? What the crap is that supposed to mean? Nevermind, I'm okay...calm down.

"So tell me a little bit about yourself."

"Well, I'm originally from Burley, Idaho. And now I'm going to school here and I'm just looking for a good job to get some experience for my future." Oh, I should've said 'great job'. Oh well, I'm still okay.

"Great. So why don't I get right to our purpose here. I'll go ahead and outline our goals and mission statement so you can get a better feel for what we're all about, and then we'll get to some questions for you."

"Sounds great."

"We like to foster an atmosphere of. . . "
What does foster mean anyway? Foster, Australian for working. Ew, that wasn't funny at all. . . . Okay, I need to pay attention...

". . . higher expectations for leadership. . ."

What's she talking about? Oh crap, I need to look interested. I'll just furrow my brow and nod so it looks like I'm really stewing over what she's saying. Good, good. Wait! Now my eyebrows are too low! And I think she just mentioned how she would be my supervisor, CRAP! She'll think what she's saying is offending me!

"Hmm. . . that's amazing." Amazing! Oh no, she'll think I think it's amazing that a woman can be my boss. Arg! I'm sexist now--it's over.

"It's true. We really encourage our staff to get involved in. . . "

Oh good, I guess I wasn't following her at all. Hmm. . . my face is totally expressionless right now. That can't be good, I need to look like I have character. What expression should I choose though? Mmm. . . I don't know--I gotta choose something cause I look like I've died with my eyes open. Ew, that'd be crazy if that really happened to some--pay attention! Okay, after this sentence I'm gonna go with a look that asks, "Is that a fact?"

"And on every other Fridays we'll have performance reviews."

Okay, shoot those eyebrows up buddy--let 'em say "Is that a fact" in a surprised way. Great. Wait a second, that wasn't too shocking of a statement. Crap, now I have to keep my eyebrows up there so she doesn't think that I'm totally blown away by 'performance reviews'. Oh man, my eyebrows are so high. . . I look like I'm confused by how much pain I'm in.

"Really? I did not know that." Hmm. . . I covered that up pretty good.

"Okay Elliot, let me just go ahead with the normal run-of-the-mill interview questions."

"Ha ha ha!" That wasn't even close to being as funny as how hard I just laughed.

"So what do you think that you bring to our office as your greatest asset?"

Quick--not too cocky, but it's gotta be something really good and thought-provoking. "Closeness."

"Closeness? Okay . . . closeness."

Closeness?! What is closeness? That's possibly the dumbest thing this lady has ever heard.

"So in your opinion, what is your biggest weakness?"

Oh my. What kind of question is this? Hmm. . . it can't be something like, "Well, I'm really annoying, if you get to know me," or "I guess it's that I just don't like to work very hard."

"Anytime now. . . go ahead."

"Um. . . I'd have to say that my biggest weakness has got to be. . . uh, that I work too hard. I just . . . work really hard."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"And you view that as a weakness?"

Oh crap, now she thinks I didn't understand the question. "Well, I've been told by quite a few people that I work so much harder than them."

"And it upset them?"

"They were co-workers and, you know, they were kind of competitive. So when they saw me working so hard, it did upset them. . . but not too much."

"I see."

She's taking note of something. Oh man, she's really writing a lot. Is that good? I think that could be good. Yeah . . . that may have been the best possible answer for that question.

"Well, I have to be honest Elliot, we don't really like to foster an atmosphere of competition here. Have nice day."

Fosters, Australian for fired. Hey, that's pretty good.