Episode 8: Marriage (continued)

[In the Registration office at some random university with Elliot, Paul, and Justin]

Elliot: Okay, so what about this one? What would you rather have happen to you--having your face eaten by bats, or having your stomach eaten by termites.

Justin: Termites eat wood, Dr. Quinn.

Elliot: Okay--having your stomach eaten by stomach eating worms?

Justin: I'd say the stomach thing. I couldn't let anything happen to this beautiful mug. You wouldn't believe what it's gotten me in life.

Elliot: Okay Paul, you're up.

Paul: So which would you rather be--a bumble bee or a badger?

Justin: Badger...easy.

Paul: Elliot?

Elliot: (thinking deeply) I'm gonna have to go with a bumble bee. I can't pass up flying around and stinging people.

Paul: But then you'll die. Bees die once they sting someone.

Elliot: What?! What a rip off! (pause) I guess I'd be a badger--they're scary.

Paul: You know what I don't get? Why is it that every time you see a dark alley in a movie and they want to portray a scary person, it's some guy in a trench coat with a hat covering his eyes and he's limping towards you?

Justin: What do you mean?

Paul: I mean, why is he limping? Is that supposed to scare me? I mean, is a leg injury fearsome? What if I just decide to run? Is he going to speed-limp and tackle me? Or even if he did grab me, why don't I just kick him in his bad leg?

Elliot: Maybe he's faking it.

Paul: Either way, I think it's stupid.

Justin: Speaking of stupid, when are you going ask out that married girl?

Paul: We don't know if she's married or not--that's why I'm going to ask her out...then I'll know for sure.

Elliot: You know what you need to do? Tell her you're divorced, see if that inspires her to bring up her own marital status.

Justin: Yeah, while you're at it why don't you tell her that you used to be woman? You don't want any surprises do you?

Paul: Okay Carrot Top, why don't you keep your stand-up material to yourself? What's Ryan up to? I heard he asked Madelyn on a date.

Justin: Yeah, he's taking her out tomorrow morning and I hear that he's got something big planned. I guess he asked for today off so he can prepare...mentally.

Paul: He always likes to have a good game plan for these things. His usual game plan is called "Smooth Operator." But occasionally he goes with "Dr. Charles Ladylove."

----

[Paul's class of about 80 people. He walks in and the girl he likes (Kate) is sitting and there is an empty seat next to her.]

Kate: Hey! How's it going? [Paul sits]

Paul: Good, good. And you?

Kate: Oh I'm good, you know...just really busy with everything. I'm sure you know what I mean.

Paul: Oh of course. In fact, my divorce is going through and my ex-wife is really hounding me.

Kate: Hounding you? Why?

Paul: (unsure) Oh, uh...because of...um, the kids.

Kate: Kids?

Paul: (uneasy) Yeah, we have a couple kids together. And, uh...you know, she wants full custody of them but I love my kids, ya know? I love 'em, and I'm not going to give up.

Kate: Oh yeah, totally.

Paul: So I'm just really stressed cause little Paulie Jr. and...and uh, Judith Ann really miss their daddy.

Kate: Ooh! That's so sad!

Paul: (faking sadness) Yeah, we're not a happy little family anymore. (pause) What about you?

Kate: (sympathetic) Well I just think that's so unfortunate! Poor kids! I feel terrible about that!

Paul: (pause. then sigh) Kate, will you go out with me this weekend?

Kate: Go out? Where?

Paul: Where? Um...on a date...in a social context.

Kate: Uh...Paul. I don't know if you know, but I have a husband.

Paul: (quickly) Oh I knew, I just was wondering if you and your husband wanted to double date...with me and...my...wife.

Kate: I thought you were divorced.

Paul: (unsure) No, it's just getting worked out, but I'm trying to win her back...you know, mainly for the kids.

Kate: Well sure, we'd love to. Anything to help keep your family together. How's Saturday night?

Paul: (uneasy) Oh...it's fine.

Kate: Great! We'll see you then!

---

[Saturday morning. Ryan pulls up to Madelyn's apartment complex.]

[Ryan starts to honk his horn. Random girls slowly come to their window]

Girl 1: Knock it off, jerk!

Girl 2: Hey loser! We're trying to sleep here!

[Madelyn comes out of the apartment and into the car]

Ryan: Hey beautiful.

Madelyn: You really must be excited...you're a half hour early.

Ryan: (lady-lovin' mode) I just really wanted to see you again. Hey, I bought us breakfast.

Madelyn: Oh good.

Ryan: Actually I just grabbed an apple and some string cheese from home.

Madelyn: Oh....okay. So where are we going?

Ryan: Oh, it's a surprise.

---

[four hours later on the freeway. Ryan is singing to Cher's Do you Believe in life after Love?]

Madelyn: Ryan, we've been driving for four hours now. Can you please tell me where we're going?

Ryan: (pause) Well, okay. I wanted keep it a surprise but...(getting excited) we're going to Nebraska!

Madelyn: (upset) What?! Why?!

Ryan: Well my grandpa needs help moving out here so my family can take better care of him...so we're going to help him move out here.

Madelyn: Okay, so we're going to Nebraska to help your grandpa move.

Ryan: Yeah...why you don't think that's cool?

Madelyn: [sigh] (sarcastically) Oh no, it's cool.

---

[At a restaurant. Kate and her husband are out front waiting for Paul]

Kate: So they might argue, but try not to make things awkward, okay?

Husband: Okay, honey.

[Paul walks up.]

Kate: Paul! Hey. (pause; she looks around) Where's your wife?

Paul: (acting sad) Well...she didn't want to come. (faking a sob) She said it's over! (he sobs) It looks like my marriage is through!

Kate: Oh, Paul! I'm so sorry!

[Kate puts her arm around him. Paul secretly smiles with enjoyment and snuggles up to her]

Paul: (looking up at Kate) Do you have any sisters?

Kate: Why?

---

[It's really late Saturday. In the car with Ryan, Madelyn, and now Ryan's grandpa in the back seat.]

Grandpa: So Ryan, you never told me your wife had brown hair.

Ryan: Yeah, well...she's a brunette bombshell! What can I say?

Madelyn: (quietly to Ryan) What are you talking about?

Ryan: (quietly back) He's really senile and so we just humor him...you know, so he doesn't get upset.

Madelyn: (sarcastically) Oh, we don't want to upset anyone, do we?

Grandpa: Claire, you remind me of a brown haired Elizabeth Taylor.

Madelyn: Who's Claire?

Ryan: You're Claire of course! (turns to Grandpa) She forgets her own name sometimes...you know, too many drugs back in the day.

Madelyn: What?!

Grandpa: We never had your new-fangled "drugs" in my day. Back then we used to take horseradish and alka-seltzer to fog our minds.

Ryan: That's terrific Grandpa! Alka-seltzer, huh?

Madelyn: Ryan, I don't know how to say this...but I'm never going to talk to you again.

Ryan: What?! Why?!

Grandpa: Uh oh, looks like Claire wants a divorce!

Madelyn: (turns around to Grandpa) That's right old man! A divorce! So why don't you eat some horseradish and quit talking!

Ryan: So can I still call you later, or what?

the end

Episode 8: Marriage
*note: the characters and events contained in these episodes are strictly fictional. Any resemblance to the characters and events in real life is purely coincidental.

Paul: (very angry) I can't stand this thing! Arg! [he rips off his tie and throws it to the ground then picks it up] What is this thing?! Huh?! What is it?!

Justin: Well now I'm not a clothing expert, but I think it's called a tie.

Paul: I know but what does it do? It just hangs there. It's like I'm wearing a collar and this thing is the leash! I can't stand it! It's a metaphorical noose and I'm metaphorically hanging!

Justin: What the crap does that even mean?

Paul: (angry) I don't know but the inventor of this thing was a sick, twisted Nazi!

Ryan: Actually I think they originated with Abraham Lincoln. He wore it in protest of the anti-revolutionists. It caused quite a stir.

Elliot: No I don't think that's right. I'm pretty sure it started with the Eskimos. They would go to events that required formal dress, but they still needed to keep their necks warm--thus came the invention of the neck tie.

Paul: (irate) Well either way it's driving me crazy!

Justin: What's going on? Who cares about a stupid tie?

Elliot: Paul, are you okay?

Paul: No I'm not okay! I had my heart ripped right out of my chest today! Like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Remember that guy that would rip out peoples' hearts clear from their chests?

Elliot: Yeah.

Paul: Well it's like that.

Ryan: Who is this girl?

Paul: I can't talk about it. My heart feels like it's in my foot...and I'm stepping on it everytime I walk. I'm in such pain!

Ryan: C'mon, just tell us.

Paul: Okay...she's this girl that's in my history class. I've sat by her every class period and she smells like gummy bears. She gives me signs that she likes me all the time too. Oh did she ever give me signs!

Elliot: Like what?

Paul: Well the other day she asked me if I had a pen, and when she asked me she put her hand on my forearm. Eh?

Justin: ...And?

Paul: Well, she also told me that I have an amazing knack for historical facts and that someday I should run for President.

Ryan: That's it? That sounds like compliments from your mother.

Paul: Well that doesn't matter! She liked me okay? I could just tell. Our love was kindled and grew into a flame of desire!

Elliot: So how'd she pull your heart from your chest?

Paul: Well...she...uh, kinda has another commitment. And it's not one I'm sure I want to get involved with.

Justin: Oh, she's dating a football player and your scared he's going to punch you in the brain. That's it, isn't it?

Paul: It's not a football player, okay? She's...kind of...ya know--married.

Elliot: What?!

Paul: But I think she still likes me! I'm almost positive!

Elliot: Dude, SHE'S MARRIED! Are you kidding me? What--are you gonna be like Robert Redford in Indecent Proposal?

Paul: (calm) Oh, I haven't seen that, is it good?

Elliot: Yeah, it's pretty good.

Ryan: Isn't that the one with Michelle Pfiefer?

Justin: No, it's Demi Moore.

Ryan: Oh.

Elliot: Paul, she doesn't like you. I'm pretty sure she likes her husband more than she likes you.

Paul: She does, I swear! (pause) Is it even bad to like a married woman?

Justin: No it's not bad. You know while you're at it, why don't you start selling poison cupcakes to orphan kids?

Ryan: Yeah, or you could punch a nun or rob a church, there's plenty of things up your immoral alley.

Paul: Here's the thing though--I'm not sure she's actually married.

Elliot: What do you mean?

Paul: Well she has a ring on her finger, but it doesn't look like a normal wedding ring. It looks like some gypsy ring she could've gotten from her grandmother.

Justin: Did you just call her grandmother a gypsy?

Ryan: Maybe it's like her birth-stone or something. My sisters have birth-stone rings.

Paul: Birth-stone? Wait, I think it is a birth-stone! But there's really only one way to find out.

Justin: What's that?

Paul: I'm going to ask her out. I'm just gonna jump on board and see if she takes.

Justin: Paul that makes absolutely no sense in more ways than one.

[Missy enters and beside her is a female student]

Missy: Boys, can I have your attention? Boys? Attention? Ugh.

[The boys rush to look like they're doing work: Paul starts organizing papers, Justin picks up the phone and acts like he's dialing, Ryan starts to type on the computer, and Elliot can't find anything to do.]

Missy: Guys...guys I said not to do that, I know you were "working" as usual, so don't fake it, okay?

[The boys stop what they're doing]

Missy: Okay, well since Trevor was fired after he pulled the fire alarm that left a spot open for another student-employee. And since you guys had a tantrum last time I announced that I was going to hire someone, I just went ahead and hired Madelyn here.

Madelyn: Hello! I'm excited to be working with you all.

[All the boys give a pathetic welcome--except for Ryan. He seems to be mesmerized by Madelyn]

Missy: Madelyn, I'll be in the back if you need me. These boys will show you around.

Madelyn: Okay.

[Missy walks away and the other boys ignore her but Ryan walks up to her]

Ryan: (in lady-lovin' mode) Hey, so...uh, how you doin'?

Madelyn: Um, I'm good. What's your name?

Ryan: Ryan. My name...is Ryan. I would love to take you out for a date. I could show you the wonders of single life and maybe we could express our thoughts and feelings to one another.

Madelyn: Oh, okay. I guess...but there aren't any rules about in-office dating here, are there?

Ryan: Girl, even if there were, they couldn't stop me from doing what I do. Ya know what I'm saying? I have something special to do this weekend...and I'd love it if you came with me.

Madelyn: What is it?

Ryan: Oh, it's a surprise. Don't you worry, it'll be a beautiful surprise.

Madelyn: Okay, I'd love to go with you.

Ryan: How 'bout I pick you up on Saturday at 7 am.

Madelyn: 7 is pretty early.

Ryan: It's the hour of love, m'lady.

to be continued

Episode 7 (continued): The University Mafia

[In the office with Ryan, Justin, and Paul. They are all dressed in dark suits (instead of dress shirts and ties) and their hair is slicked back. Paul and Ryan have toothpicks in the corner of their mouths and they have big rings on their fingers]

Ryan: I feel so flippin' tough!

Paul: I know, I was on the way to work and I pushed a kid into a dumpster cause he wouldn't give me his Mountain Dew. I'm a mobster!

Ryan: I told one of my professors to watch his back or he'll be sleeping with the fishes!

Justin: So how are we going to get this Trevor kid? We can't just let him come in here and walk all over us! We have tradition here.

Paul: (in his tough-guy voice) How 'bout we take him to Lookout Bluff, tie his hands, and push him off?

Justin: What? No.

Ryan: (in his tough-guy voice) Whatta 'bout this? We invite him over for dinner, serve him some spaghetti with a poison pesto sauce, and then drop him off in the lake with some lead sneakers, eh?

Justin: Are you guys kidding? C'mon, we can't kill anybody. Remember?

Paul: What if we don't do the killing? Why don't you leave it to me--I'll take care of Trevor.

Justin: What are you gonna do?

Paul: Don't worry about it. I know a guy.

Justin: You know a guy?

Paul: He'll do the job, make it look like an accident.

Justin: No killing!! It was your idea, remember?!

Paul: Oh, yeah.

Justin: Where's Elliot?

Paul: I sent him over to the Admissions Office. I transferred a call over there this morning and this guy Jimmy gave me a tone.

Justin: A tone?

Paul: Yeah, so I sent Elliot over there to...ya know...make sure it won't happen again.

Justin: What?

[Elliot walks in with a baseball bat--dressed like the rest of them, but he's chewing gum real fast]

Paul: So how's Jimmy?

Elliot: Let's just say, he's gonna be a lot more quiet now.

Justin: (frantic) You killed him?!

Elliot: No, I just asked him to be more quiet when we call.

Justin: Okay, well we were just thinking of ways to get rid of this Trevor punk.

Elliot: Ooh, what if I take him to Lookout Bluff, handcuff him--

Justin: NO! No killing!

Paul: Well it's got to be something big because he thinks he owns this university. Lousy rat!

Ryan: What about this? (whispers to Paul, Justin, and Elliot)

Elliot: Yeah! [Ryan's still whispering]

Paul: Oh that's good. [Ryan continues to whisper. Then stops]

Justin: Yes, that's what we'll do. Knowing how much he loves himself and hates us, this could work perfectly.

Paul: What are our Mafia names though?

Justin: What do you mean?

Paul: I mean, every mobster has a cool Mafia name. I was thinking that I could be 'Anthony "the Bull" Pascelli'.

Ryan: I'll be 'Babyface Rizzuto'. What about you Justin?

Justin: Well, I have to be Don something since I'm the Godfather. I'll be Don Domingo. That's cool, isn't it?

Paul: Yeah, what about you Elliot?

Elliot: Mmm....I don't know. Uh...how 'bout 'Timmy Tornado'?

Justin: That sounds like a show on the Disney Channel.

Elliot: Okay, what about 'Phillip the Tough-guy'?

Paul: How 'bout this? 'Johnny Bullet-hole'?

Elliot: Sweet!

Justin: (quietly) Pst! Ryan, here comes Beth!

[Beth walks up]

Ryan: (tough-guy voice) Hey, how you doin'?

Beth: I'm great, how are you?

Ryan: Never better. So...uh, did you get that note?

Beth: I did. (looks at Paul) Hi Paul!

Paul: (tough-guy) Yo.

Beth: I thought it would be appropriate to respond with a note.

[gives puts the note down on the counter and walks away]

Ryan: [picks up the note] (reading) "I wanted to write back and tell you that I was really excited when you asked me out Paul." Paul?!

Paul: What?

Ryan: (very angry) Why you greasy little punk! You went and asked her out for yourself! You just couldn't hold back, could you?!

Paul: No! That's not how it was! I guess she just saw what she wanted to see with the ask-out note.

Ryan: What?!

Paul: I'm just sayin', that she was probably blinded by my masculine charisma and couldn't help but see my name on that note. Tough luck kid, maybe next time you'll get the broad--but not likely if she's lookin' at me!

Ryan: I'm gonna throw your mother off a bridge!

Paul: Don't you dare say anything about my mother!

[Paul and Ryan lunge at each other. Justin and Elliot jump in between them]

[Trevor walks in]

Trevor: Ooh. Missy's gonna love this.

[Ryan and Paul calm down and everyone looks at Trevor.]

Justin: What are you talking about?

Trevor: Well, when Missy finds out about fighting in the office I'm sure she'll be forced to fire at least two of you.

Elliot: How would Missy find out about this?

Trevor: Well, it's my duty to tell her about this little cock fight. [walks through the office] This place smells like fish and cough medicine. Ugh! You guys are disgusting! I'm going to fill up my water bottle.

[Trevor leaves]

Paul: That guy is Satan's step-father!

Elliot: (picks up his baseball bat) That's it! I'm taking him out. (walks towards where Trevor left)

Justin: No! (grabs Elliot) Okay guys, we'll settle this Beth thing later. It's time to take Trevor out! Ryan, we're doing your plan.

Elliot: What's his plan again?

Justin: Quiet! He's coming, over to the fire alarm!

[Trevor walks up]

Ryan: (to the rest of the guys) Too bad fellas, I'm going to do it.

Paul: Bull, I'm the biggest and the smartest--I'm going to do it. [puts his hand on the fire alarm handle]

Justin: Well, I've worked here the longest so I deserve to do it.

Trevor: Are you guys arguing over who's going to bathe with a toaster or what?

Ryan: No. Missy told us that we get to instigate the building fire drill by pulling the alarm, so we're arguing over who gets to pull the fire alarm.

Elliot: I get to do it!!! I've always wanted to!

Ryan: Me too! [Ryan puts his hand on the fire alarm]

[Trevor pulls Ryan's hand off the alarm and jerks down the alarm handle himself.]

[Loud sirens go off and Missy runs into the room from the back office]

Missy: What happened?!

Trevor: I pulled the fire alarm!

Missy: You what?! Trevor that's against university code--you could get put on academic probabtion or kicked out of school!

Trevor: These guys made me do it!

Justin: Missy, I've worked here a long time and I've never squealed on anybody. But Trevor was bragging that his father donates so much money that he could pull the fire alarm and not get fired.

Ryan: It's true.

Paul: He said it.

Trevor: Even though it is probably true that I wouldn't get fired, I didn't pull the alarm.

Missy: But you said that you did!

Trevor: I meant, wait...I mean I didn't do it but. Wait--okay so I did do it but....

Missy: Trevor, you're fired! Too bad. Now let's get out of here and let the fire department clear the building.

----

[outside the building, as Elliot, Paul, Ryan, and Justin are watching people file out of the building]

Paul: Ryan, I'm sorry I stole your woman.

Ryan: Whatever. I'm sorry I almost beat you up.

Paul: Yeah, right. But I still don't know why she wanted me so badly...I mean, besides the obvious.

Ryan: (resentfully) Yeah, well I guess it's a big mystery.

[Beth walks by]

Paul: Hey Beth! Why did you end up wanting to go out with me?

Beth: What do you mean, you asked me out with that cheesy add/drop card?

Paul: That card was from Ryan here.

Beth: Really?

Ryan: Oh yeah. That was all me girl.

Beth: Well, there was no name on it and I assumed it was from Paul, cause he dropped it off.

Paul and Ryan: ooooOOOOOOOoooooh.

Paul: Well Beth, it was actually Ryan here who asked you. He's got the hots for you so I think you oughtta go out with him instead.

Beth: I'm okay with that. (to Ryan) Besides, you're cute.

Paul: What?! I thought you thought that I was cute! You're not supposed to accept my proposal! You're supposed to want me anyways!

Ryan: Shut up man, the dame wants to go with me!

Paul: You better watch it boy. I'll hit your fake gold tooth right out of your head!

Justin: All right, all right. Why doesn't she go out with both of you and see which one she likes better after that?

Paul: Yeah, that sounds good.

Ryan: I'm cool with that. Beth?

Beth: I guess so.

[Elliot pulls Justin aside as the others continue to talk]

Elliot: Dude, after the dates it'll only be worse! They'll kill each other!

Justin: You don't think I know that? C'mon man, I'm the Godfather of the Mafia, it's my job to manipulate.

Elliot: Oh, I see.

--

The End