Episode 9: The Electoral College (continued)

[Justin in the office on the phone talking to a female student]

Girl: (getting emotional; holding back tears) So I can't get into that math class?

Justin: (looking at the computer) Um . . . nope, it looks like that class is full for next semester--sorry. Maybe next time.

Girl: (holding back tears) But if I don't get in it I won't be able to graduate after next semester! [she starts crying]

Justin: (uninterested) Wow . . . that's rough, I'm sure. Shoot.

Girl: (sobbing) I really [deep breath] don't know what to do. (sobs) What am I going to do with myself?!

[Justin pauses while she sobs. He doesn't know what to say so there's an awkward, long pause]

Justin: So . . . uh, is there anything else I can help you with? [she keeps crying] Cause I really gotta run, ya know . . . my boss wants me to . . . do things. Sorry. [she cries harder] Gotta go. [still crying] Have a good weekend! [he hangs up]

Justin: (to Paul) Finally! Ugh, I hate that!

Paul: What?

Justin: I had a girl just call and she was crying about something that can't be fixed. What the crap am I supposed to do?

Paul: I know, it's hard when there's just nothing you can do to help them . . . and what's worse is they get so sad. It makes me really feel for 'em.

Justin: I don't care so much about that, it's that they put me in a very awkward position. . . you know--they put me in charge of consoling them. I don't even know this girl, how am I going to console her? I'm not a consoler. Maybe a bandwagon complainer, but not a consoler.

Paul: (sarcastic) Well, I'm sorry that you have to listen to a girl cry--that must be really hard on you.

Justin: That's what I'm saying. Why doesn't she talk to her roommate or her mother. Sheesh, I got problems to . . . we all got 'em.

[Ryan and Elliot enter, Ryan has a campus newspaper in his hands.]

Ryan: (upset) Fourth! Our fake candidates are fourth in the polls. Can you believe that?

Paul: That's not bad, Grover Cleveland was fourth in the polls before his election, but look what happened to him. Plus there's always margins of error and stuff.

Ryan: We only have 3% of the vote and there were 3,000 people surveyed.

Paul: Yikes.

Ryan: And there's an article with students' opinion about the candidates and listen to this: (reading the paper) "When asked why students wouldn't vote for Rustin Jones and Elliaul Jerihu most students responses were 'Their posters are either incoherent of offensive,' or 'I have no idea who those guys even are.' One guy says,'If I ever see those guys, I'll punch them in the thorax!'[he looks up] What are we going to do?

Elliot: My thorax is inside of me, right?

Justin: Okay guys, I've been planning something for a special occasion and I think this is it.

Paul: What is it?

Justin: Well, I don't know if I can tell you here (he looks around suspiciously) . . . you never know who might be listening. But let me just tell you this: if we execute this properly, we'll make these two phantoms of our imagination the most popular guys to ever fake going to this university.

Ryan: What do we do?

Justin: Just meet me at the abandoned steel mill tonight at midnight. It'll be big, and then we'll give all the credit to Rustin and Elliaul.

Paul: I don't know what your plan is, but I think we should do something else in the mean time.

Elliot: I know! What if we made fake posters for the other candidates that were really offensive? I mean, that worked for our candidates.

Paul: Boys, I think Elliot's idea is perfect. Let's be honest, even when we don't want to be offensive we still seem to pull it off.

[they nod in agreement]

----

[Back in the same place they were earlier when they put up signs for their fake candidates]

Paul: Okay boys, let's start slingin' mud.

[They split up with many posters in their hands]

----

[Elliot is putting up signs in the same place he was before. There are different students watching him this time.]

[He puts up a sign that says: Vote for Todd Anderson and Eric Yates: If you're a white/Anglo American, we're your candidates. Elliot puts up another one that reads: Vote for Anderson and Yates: They're against all minorities and/or weird ethnicities. "We hope to cleanse this university dang it!" --Todd Anderson.]

Student 1: (to Elliot) What the crap man?! Hey, are you Todd Anderson?

Elliot: Uh, no. (Thinking quickly) Um, but I am Eric Yates.

Student 1: I ought to punch you right in the face--you and your prejudice friend.

Elliot: That must be your barbaric, heathen blood talking. We intend to get rid of your kind when we're elected.

Student 2: Well you guys are gonna lose and I'm going to see to that!

Elliot: Well, I don't care what you think cause you look like you're from Yugoslavia or some crap-country like that and we're gonna boot your Asian hind-end right out of this university.

Student 3: (very upset) He's from Minnesota you dirty bigot!

Elliot: Well I gotta go losers, so vote for us when you realize how much you suck.

[All of the sudden they jump up and chase Elliot]

Elliot: Holy crap! [He runs away]

----

[Justin is putting up posters where he was earlier]

[His first sign says: Vote for Jeannie Tolman and Tammie Fairchild: They'd vote for you, if you weren't so stupid. The next one he puts up says: Tolman and Fairchild: They're rich, good-looking, and pretty much everything you're not. "I can't help that I'm better than you." --Jeannie Tolman.]

Justin: [reads the sign] (to himself) I don't think I've had a conscience since 3rd grade. (pause) [shrugs] Oh well, what do you do?

----

[Paul is putting up signs in the same place that he was before.]

[His first sign says: Vote for Derek Larsen and Billy Watterson: Their heroes include Adolf Hitler, Osama bin Laden, and you. He puts up another one that reads: Vote for Larsen and Watterson: "I stole $20 from your mother, took her out on a date, and made her pay for it." --Derek Larsen.]

Paul: (reads the sign) That ought to ruffle some feathers.

-----

[Later that night at the abandoned steel mill. Justin is sitting in his car with Elliot. Paul and Ryan pull up and get in the back of Justin's car.]

Paul: So what are we doing here?

Justin: Well, you know how we have the big football game against the U this weekend?

Paul: Yeah.

Justin: So I figure that we can do something to the U, so here's the deal . . . I have a hi-jacked manure truck over at the feedlot west of town, and it's full and ready for us to do with it what we will.

Ryan: Omigosh, this is gonna be so sweet!

Elliot: Actually stinky. Haven't you seen "Back to the Future"?

Ryan: Yeah, so.

Elliot: You know how Biff hates manure?

Ryan: Yeah.

Elliot: (unsure what to say) Well, it's gonna be kinda like that.

Ryan: Whatever.
---

[They're at the U and they've driven their huge manure truck into the middle of the football field. They're shoveling out the manure onto the field.]

Paul: Man this reeks!

Justin: Yeah, and the powerful methane gases are gonna burn the grass.

[All the sudden the lights on the field turn on. There's a man up at the top of the stadium.]

Man: Hey!!! You boys stay right there! You're in BIG TROUBLE!!!

Elliot: Get in the truck!

[They run to get into the truck's cab]

Paul: Didn't that guy remind you of a security guard in a Scooby Doo cartoon?

Justin: Yeah, calling at us from 5 minutes away gives us perfect time to get away. Into the Mystery Machine!

[They all pile into the cab of the truck and peel out and as they drive away the remaining manure falls out onto the field.]

---

[The next morning at the registration office with Elliot, Paul, and Justin.]

Elliot: Wow, that was pretty crazy last night. It got pretty wild when that security guard tried to ram us and ended up running into a stop sign.

Paul: Yeah, Justin you really know how to drive your manure rigs.

Justin: I wish I felt bad that I kind of ran him off the road.

Elliot: I liked it when he got out and pumped his fist at us and yelled "Darn you kids!"--he really was like a guard on Scooby Doo.

[Ryan comes in with a campus newspaper in his hand.]

Paul: Hey! There's the mastermind behind the whole scam! How's it going buddy?

Ryan: (nervous) Uh guys, this isn't good. Have you read the paper today?

[they all shake their heads "no"]

Ryan: Listen to this (he reads): "The U has reported that their football field has been defaced presumably by students from this university. This act of vandalism has rendered the field unfit for play this Saturday and has resulted in the U canceling this weekend's game. This act has given our school such a black eye that if the perpetrators are ever caught they will be expelled from the university without question."

Elliot: Whoa.

Ryan: This is awful! We can't let everyone think that Rustin Jones and Elliaul did this, we'll lose the election!

Paul: But Ryan, we don't have to--did you read the recent poll? We're in second place! Our negative posters worked!

Ryan: Then who's ahead of us?

Paul: Jeannie Tolmon and Tammie Fairchild. Apparently they actually were hot, so they got a large portion of the male vote.

Ryan: Well, elections are today and I doubt we can make up the difference in time.

Elliot: Well, at least we got to put animal poo on our rivals school's football field.

Justin: (reading Ryan's newspaper) Hey guys . . . it says here that there's reward money for any information on who defaced the football field.

[They all look at each other and smile]

The End

Episode 9: The Electoral College

[In the office with Justin, Paul, and Elliot]

Elliot: So the other day I was at home playing Solitare, and I like to gamble when I play, so I had some bills and coins out--

Paul: You gamble when you play Solitare? Who are you betting?

Elliot: Hello, it's called Solitare . . . I was betting myself. Anyway, I got to looking at the 5 dollar bill and I noticed something quite ominous.

Justin: What was that?

Elliot: Abraham Lincoln and I have the exact same ears.

Justin: Excuse me?

Elliot: His lobes . . . their exactly like mine.

Paul: Bull! Justin you're rich, let me see a 5.

[Justin pulls out a 5 dollar bill and gives it to Paul]

Paul: [examines the bill] Hmm . . . I don't believe it. You do have Lincoln's lobes.

Elliot: I told you! I bet there's some strange connection between the Great Emancipator and I.

Justin: The connection is that all humans have ears, pal.

[Ryan enters]

Ryan: So get this guys! The elections for student body president and vice president are coming up and there taking submissions, right? So all we have to do is fill out this form and we'll have candidates on the ballot!

Paul: Who the crap are you implying should be president? Cause personally I think I'm the only logical choice . . . none of you know the first thing about being a politician. I'd have a platform that would reduce students' tuition--but see, you also have to appease administration, or "Big businesses"--like the Republican Party does. So I'd oppress Freshmen by making them take stats classes in their first semester.

Ryan: No, I have a way better plan for this than just running for office. That's boring. This, my friends will be a scam for the ages.

Elliot: What do you mean?

Ryan: Okay, here's what we do--we're going to create two people that don't even exist, have them run for office, and promise so many things that they get elected. So when all the smoke clears, there won't be anyone to put into office. It'll be one of the biggest scams ever!

Paul: Hey . . . that's a pretty dang good scam. Let's do it!

Justin: Okay, but we have to have names for these guys.

Elliot: Uh . . . what about David Robinson and, uh . . . Bill Russell.

Justin: Like the basketball players? C'mon.

Elliot: Basketball players?

Ryan: What about this? We mix our names. We could combine Justin and I to have "Rustin," that's cool. And then Paul and Elliot could be . . . mmm. . . Paulliot, or Elliaul.

Justin: Okay, I like "Rustin" but the second one sound like he's from Iraq or Kazakistan or something . . . and let's be honest, that's not too believable.

Paul: No, that's good! We could go foreign--people are always looking for diversity. We could have Rustin Jones as the president and Elliaul Jerihu from Baghdad as the VP.

Justin: All right, I'm in.

[They start filling out the forms.]

Elliot: (looking at the forms) Wait a second, it's asking for a student ID number. These made up guys don't have one.

Ryan: Bro, we have access to create students' records here at the registration office. We'll just make up some records for these guys. [He goes to a computer and starts typing]

Paul: This scam is so good, we'd be dumb not to do it!

---

[The next day Ryan, Paul, Elliot, and Justin are in the large building that contains the food court and a lot of open seating for students to study and eat. In their arms are signs and posters.]

Ryan: Okay, let's split up and put up these signs.

Elliot: Man Ryan, you really went all out.

Ryan: Well I have two cousins that work in publications, so we just stayed up until 2 making these posters.

Justin: Well all right . . . let's go!

----

[Paul is in a study hall putting up posters.]

[He puts up a Poster that reads: Rustin Jones and Elliaul Jerihu for STB Presidency: We'll do all we can to make sure that you get good grades. Even if we have to cheat for you--because we're like that. Paul puts up the next one that reads: Rustin Jones and Elliaul Jerihu: Diversity for you, Diversity for all, Diversity for us. Paul reads this one.]

Paul: What does that even mean?

----

[Elliot is putting up posters by some students eating lunch.]

[He puts one poster up that reads: Rustin and Elliaul: Vote for us, we like to bathe the elderly. "We do it because we care, and we care because we do it." --Rustin. The students eating lunch look at him strangely. He puts up another one that reads: Rustin Jones + Elliaul Jerihu - discrimination = success! (divided by love).]

Student 1: (To Elliot) What does that even mean?

Elliot: Uh, it means that they're diverse and successful.

Student 2: No . . . the one about bathing the elderly. What does that dumb statement at the end mean?

Elliot: (pauses to think) What doesn't it mean? Eh? Think about that.

Student 1: Why don't you think about making sense, smart guy.

----

[Justin is putting up signs in a highly populated hallway.]

[He puts up his first poster; it reads: Rustin Jones and Elliaul Jerihu: Go to the Tuition Office and ask for 10% off your tuition, courtesy of Rustin and Elliaul.]

Justin: (to himself) I don't think Ryan thought that one out.

[He hangs up the next one. Rustin and Elliaul: Vote for us and we'll wash your car! "We like you . . . we like you a lot!" --Elliaul.]

Justin: (to himself) Oh that's good. False promises--tasty.

----

[They meet back up where they started from.]

Ryan: How'd it go?

Elliot: I got heckled . . . a lot actually.

Ryan: What? Why?

Elliot: I don't think people understood what the posters meant.

Paul: I don't think I understood what the posters meant. (to Ryan) Frankly, I don't think you know what the posters meant. Ryan, you have a poster telling the students that you'll abolish all grades below a B+.

Ryan: All politicians lie. C'mon guys, it's a brilliant tactic! This is what we agreed to do.

Justin: No guys, he's right. Did you have the poster that said "Vote for us and we'll do your homework for you"?

Paul: No, but I had one that said "Vote for us and we'll kiss your girlfriend for you". That's just going to offend people.

Ryan: No it won't . . . it's called sarcasm. It's smart and funny. Anyway, we'll see how people like our signs because the campus newspaper is going to release their poll results tomorrow.

Paul: Well, if we keep up with signs like the one that says "If you don't vote for us we'll probably burn down your apartment," then I think we might have some ground to cover in those polls.

to be continued