Episode 7: The University Mafia

[In the office with Ryan, Justin, Paul, and Elliot]

Ryan: What's with these reality shows?

Paul: What do you mean?

Ryan: They're not reality. You think 24 people camping out in Africa, eating bugs and forming alliances is real to me? I'm not part of the Zulu tribe. I can't relate to that.

Paul: What about the apprentice?

Ryan: Donald Trump asking me to do things for him that may end with me running a part of his company? C'mon! For one, everyone on that show is supposedly a lawyer or some successful business person yet they're not over 25 and they could all double as super models. Yeah, I can relate to that. Do you see what I'm saying?

Elliot: Totally. But I think that most of America thinks that they can relate. These shows make you want to yell at the TV and tell them how they should be doing things. Can't you imagine some lady sitting in a double-wide trailor watching American Idol saying, "I sing so much better than you! Simon's gonna eat you up gerl!" But you're right, it's a joke.

Justin: Guys, you sound like you're really against reality TV.

Elliot and Ryan: Yeah, totally.

Justin: Hmm...okay. Ryan, do think that Donald Trump should've fired Tammie last night?

Ryan: Heck no! She was the best! I mean, she was the hottest one too!

Justin: I see. (looks at Elliot) Elliot, who was the third to last person voted off American Idol last season?

Elliot: (no hesitation) Debbie Garinomino, why?

Justin: Oh, no reason.

[Missy walks in]

Missy: Hey boys...working hard as usual?

[they hurry and look like they're doing something work-related. Paul starts shuffling papers at random. Justin picks up the phone and starts dialing random numbers. Ryan starts typing on his computer. Elliot looks around frantically for something to do and can't find anything.]

Missy: Okay, okay guys don't fake it--that makes it worse. I just wanted to tell you guys that I'm going to be hiring a new guy. Don't ask me why--it's not like you all are overwhelmed with work as it is, but administration wants to hire more student-employees.

Paul: But you can't hire another person! We have really good cohesiveness here.

Missy: Why do people use that word to descibe unity? It's a word you use for glue.

Justin: What he means is that a new guy will throw us off of our work rhythm. The office will suffer--no doubt. This kid will screw everything up.

Ryan: We can't hire someone else! I can barely stand these guys! You can't ask me to put up with another retarded loser. Arg!

[Everyone looks at Ryan--offended]

Ryan: (oblivious) What?

Elliot: Guys, this is good. I mean, Ryan was the last one hired and we were cool with him...until about 12 seconds ago. But this guy could be cool. In fact, maybe he could be more cool than, say Paul here.

Paul: What?!

Elliot: I'm just saying, you never know.

Missy: Thank you Elliot. Oh and by the way, there's going to be a fire drill sometime in the next day or two. So you guys need to review the emergency packets and see if you know what you're doing. Anyway, I'm going to go give this guy his second interview and give him the job.

[Missy leaves]

Paul: (looking out in the hallway) Ryan, isn't that the girl from the office across the hall that you think is so hot?

[Ryan looks at her and then abruptly drops to the floor]

Ryan: Crap! She didn't see me did she?

Paul: No, she just kept walking. Why is that such a big deal?

Ryan: She hasn't seen me yet and I'm thinking about asking her out.

Justin: This will be interesting. You might be the first person to go on a date with a non-blind person and yet keep your face from being seen.

Ryan: I just freak out when I first meet a girl--you know that.

Paul: Oh, we know it. I remember trying to hook you up with one of my friends...she ended up moving to Houston and going by the name Eloise Escalante.

Ryan: Houston! I knew it! I was searching online for her and--

Paul: What?! C'mon man, that's creepy!

Ryan: I just wanted to know if she liked the enchiladas I made on our Mexican themed date.

Justin: Hey, I got a sweet idea how to ask this girl out.

Ryan: What?

Justin: [grabs an office document] Take this add/drop card and fill it out with clues to asking her on a date!

Elliot: Yeah, then you could have someone drop it off at the window she works at!

Ryan: That's just crazy enough to work!

[Ryan takes the add/drop card and starts working on it]

[Missy walks up with the new employee who is obviously younger than the others]

Missy: All right guys, here's our newest employee! His name is Trevor.

Trevor: Hey guys.

[Paul, Ryan, and Justin all say a pathetic 'hello' while Elliot is enthusiastic]

Missy: Well, I have another meeting so Trevor you can just observe today and get to know the office. These guys will help you out.

[Missy leaves]

Elliot: [walking up to Trevor] Hey buddy! How's it going? It's great to have you on the Registration team!

Trevor: (rudely) If this is a team, are you the cross-eyed ball boy that everyone hates? Cause if so, you're doing a great job.

Paul: Where you from?

Trevor: [looks at the guys] (arrogantly) Well I'm not from the trailor where my brothers are my cousins too, like you guys. [looks at Ryan] Except that guy--looks like he was born with a goat for a mother and a trucker for a dad.

Justin: (to himself) A goat and a trucker? Why didn't I think of that?

Paul: Hey! Don't mess with the fellas. You don't just walk in and fling insults around--we'll take you out pal.

Trevor: (arrogantly) Whatever. My dad donates so much money to this university, I can do whatever I want and I'll not only not get fired, I'll get a raise before you do! I'm sure you guys can't relate with what I'm saying...about money and all. You're parents probably bartered your way into the university with their wheat and handicrafts. That reminds me, I'm leaving for lunch. [he goes to leave]

Elliot: I know a great place that serves anthrax and rat poison. Why don't you look in to it?

[Trevor leaves]

Paul: Man! We gotta get rid of that guy!

Justin: Maybe we could beat him with a sack of door knobs and threaten to cut off his pinkie fingers...like the Mafia!

Elliot: Yeah, we could be the uniersity Mafia! This Trevor guy could be the catalyst we need to start a Mafia that could rival the Sopranos!

Paul: Okay, that could work--except that we won't actually "whack" anybody. Killing is kind of a big deal...so how about we just get people fired and stuff.

Justin: And this Trevor kid will be our first victim!

Elliot: Man, I've never had such a desire to own a baseball bat before I met him! His head looked like a ball on top of a tee. Man I need to buy a Louisville Slugger! But should it be metal or wood?

Paul: (encouraging) There you go...Mafia guys use baseball bats for smacking people around. Elliot, you're a natural!

Elliot: (modest) Thanks...I really just let the rage take over.

[Ryan stands up with the add/drop card]

Ryan: Okay I have it.

Justin: Let's see it. (looks at it) Okay, in the blank for the 'student number' you have "Let's go out." Okay, not bad. For the 'drop' box you have, "All guys this weekend." Mmm hmm. And in the 'add' blank you have "me and you for a sweet weekend." Okay.

Paul: That thing's dripping with cheese.

Elliot: Yeah man, it's pretty lame.

Ryan: No it's not--it's awesome and whitty and cool. She'll think I'm a sophisticated gentleman attempting to woo her.

Justin: Hey, Rico Suave, do you even know her name?

Ryan: (thinking hard) Uh...I think it starts with a "j". I could probably just guess it--how many "j" names do you hear nowadays?

Elliot: Dude, her name is Beth.

Ryan: Oh. Well, that doesn't matter--I just need someone to take over the card.

Paul: I'll do it. [grabs the card and leaves]

--

[Paul walks up to the window]

Paul: Hey, how's it going?

Beth: Pretty good, how are you doing?

Paul: Pretty good. I just have this card for you. It'd be cool if you could respond ASAP.

Beth: What do you mean?

Paul: You'll understand once you read it. It's from a registration stud.

[Paul gives her the card]

Beth: Thanks. Hey, don't you work across the hall?

Paul: Yeah, that's right...I see you walk by all the time. Anyway, I better get back--that place falls apart without me there. I'm like the Ben Rothlisberger of the Registration office.

Beth: What's your name?

Paul: Paul. Your's is Beth right?

Beth: Right.

Paul: Well Beth, I'll see you later.

[Paul walks away]

Beth: Okay, I'll see you around!

[Another girl in Beth's office walks up]

Girl: Who was that?

Beth: His name's Paul and he works across the hall.

Girl: What did he want?

Beth: I don't know.

[Beth looks at the card and there's no name on it]

Beth: I think he just asked me out!

--

[Paul walks into the office]

Ryan: How did it go?

Paul: Mission accomplished. She'll be writing you shortly--and I called you a stud.

Ryan: Nice.

Elliot: Okay, we need to hold a Mafia meeting.

[They gather around]

Elliot: Okay, first off we need a Godfather. A chief mobster to dominate our ring of crime with fear and viciousness. I vote Justin.

Paul: What?! I'm the biggest one here! Why can't I be the Godfather?

Elliot: You're just not callous enough. Your emotions would get in the way. Justin is like granite, he feels nothing.

Ryan: It's like he has a metal heart with cold oil running through it.

Elliot: Nice metaphor.

Ryan: It was an allegory.

Justin: No, I think it was technically a simile.

Elliot: Either way, Justin is a cold-hearted warrior and Paul isn't.

Justin: It's true. Paul if you led us, we wouldn't be the Mafia, we'd be the Scooby Squad.

Paul: Okay, well then I get to be the head goon.

Elliot: Oh I think we can all agree to that. But it's up to the Godfather.

Justin: Paul, I want you to be my head goon.

Paul: Sweet!

Justin: And Elliot and Ryan, you're his sidekicks.

Elliot and Ryan: Awesome!

Justin: As my first item of business, we need to take out this new Trevor kid.

---

to be continued

Episode 6 (continued): The Derby

[The demolition derby where Paul is sitting by himself waiting for Carla to come back]

Paul: (thinking) Okay, now think about this--figuring out what outspoken means should be easy...I'll just think about if I've talked a lot around her or not. All right, there was that time when I went on and on about how puffy Cheetos are bigger than normal Cheetos yet they don't fill you up as fast so they should either be in larger bags or cost less...I think I talked about that for two days, so maybe she thinks I talk too much. Yeah, I think that's it! And when I gave her an exposition about how Scooby Doo is way better without Scrappy Doo. So maybe I talk too much! I think that's it! I'll just quit--oh no. Wait a second...there was that time when we went on that double-date with her roommate and I tried to act cool like Johnny Depp--I never spoke the whole night. (really angry) Crap! And the other day when I ate so many Blow Pops that my tongue turned brown and I was embarrassed to open my mouth--I didn't say a word then either! Arg! I'm never gonna figure this out! And if I ask her what 'outspoken' means she'll think I'm an idiot.

[Carla walks up]

Carla: (exhausted) Sorry Paul, they had to get him stabilized before the life-flight came.

Paul: (nervous) Hmm...wow...is that so?

Carla: Yeah. Anyway, let's go...I'm not in the mood to keep watching this derby--it's too disturbing. The last thing I need now is any more emotional distress. Which reminds me, let's talk about the 'us' thing tomorrow or something.

Paul: (thinking) Okay, try talking a lot and see if that's it. (speaking swiftly to Carla) You know Carla, it's very appropriate at this time of distress that you share your feelings with me. I know you don't feel like it but you really ought to. Here's why: first off, you need to express these things or you may bottle them up into a tight little wad of rage until you explode and end up spitting at your grandma when all she wants to do is make you cookies and call you 'cutie pie'. Second off: by sharing your feelings and thoughts you would be forming and strengthening a bond between you and I that could fortify you for future difficulties. Four out of Five psychiatrists believe that when bonds between two people are strong you can avoid such things as depression and stress-related rashes.

Carla: (hesitant) Rashes? Well...okay Paul. It makes sense--even though you were kind of hard to understand cause you were talking so fast.

Paul: (thinking) Good job jerk, outspoken obviously means that you talk too much. No big deal, just go into Johnny Depp mode.

Carla: Well when my brother got hurt it really scared me. I don't know...have you ever lost a sibling?

Paul: (acting cool/quiet) Hmm. [gives an "I don't know" shrug]

Carla: Or at least have you ever been in a life or death situation?

Paul: [sighs] (quietly) Maybe.

Carla: Was it scary? I mean, did you break out in a cold sweat or did your heart beat out of your chest?!

Paul: [gives a look that says "yikes"]

Carla: (upset) Doesn't it scare you that death can come at any time?!

Paul: [doesn't say a word; just looks at her with a blank expression]

Carla: (angry) Are you even listening to me?! You're the one who told me to "form the bond" so I wouldn't spit on my grandma! What were you even saying? Paul, I don't get you!

[she gets up and walks away]

Paul: [looks at her silently shaking his head 'no'.]

--

[Justin and Elliot down by the derby cars. Justin is putting his cell phone away.]

Justin: Well, Coralie looked it up on three different sources and all agree that you lost the bet--outspoken means that you talk a lot.

Elliot: That's okay, I kinda wanted to get into a derby car. For some reason all those cars sputtering around in the mud reminds me of a Flinstone's car and that's just too appealing to pass up.

Justin: The way that those cars are ripped up you probably could punch your feet through the bottom soon. Hey! Paul's girlfriend's brother just got hurt--you could hop in his car.

[Justin and Elliot run over to the derby car pit]

Announcer: All right folks and friends, we're starting the 'Death Round'. We all knows what that means, but just for you city folk visitin'--this here round is gonna be our last and it's a last man standing sort of deal. So hold on to yer hats and hold on tighter to yer brewskies cause here comes the Death Round!

Justin: Okay man, there's the car...you gotta time it right. When the crew isn't looking and there's a couple seconds 'til the round begins hop in. Now when they start chasing you, I'll yell out, "Hey, It's Dale Earnhart Jr. passing out free Budweiser's!" And that's when--

[Justin turns toward Elliot and he's gone]

Justin: What the....?

[Elliot is walking up to the crew]

Elliot: Howdy fellas. You guys using this car?

Crew member: Uh, no not really. Why, you wanna drive it?

Elliot: Well okay.

[Justin walks up]

Justin: What the crap? How did you do that?

Elliot: Justin, I grew up in a teeny town in Idaho. I know these people...unfortunately, I am one of these people. And we recognize our own.

[Elliot puts on the helmet and gets in the car. The car is in awful condition. The wheels are bent and the back of the car is completely smashed in.]

Elliot: Wish me luck!

Justin: I hope you don't die! [waves as Elliot sputters away]

--

[back at the Registration office with Elliot, Paul, Justin, and Ryan]

Ryan: You won the derby?!

Elliot: Yeah, and I was the only guy who walked away with all my appendages intact.

Justin: Tell him how much money you won.

Elliot: A cool 2 g's.

Ryan: (shocked) $2,000! Are you joking?! Wow, I missed out!

Elliot: That's all right, I'll take you out to dinner some time.

Ryan: So Paul, how'd your night go?

Paul: (sarcastic) Well, if success is measured in how many times you get broken up with and spit on, I had a magical night.

Justin: Carla broke up with you?

Paul: Yeah, she said something about how I'm a bi-polar loser with no heart or conscience. So then I made fun of her name, her town, her mom, and her brother--who's in intensive care and isn't going to be eating solid foods for months.

Elliot: That's pretty harsh Paul.

Paul: What kind of name is 'Carla Cusword' anyway?

the end

Episode 6: The Derby

[Justin, Paul, Elliot, and Ryan in the Registration office at a University. They all have stacks of cards in front of them and they're quickly organizing one after another.]

Justin: (holding a card) Here's one--"Rash." "Hi, my name is Bobby Rash."

Paul: How does that guy get a date? Every girl who goes out with him has to be saying to themselves: "Omigosh, I could be Becca Rash! What would my friends think?"

Ryan: (holding up a card) What about this last name? "Cheeseman."

Elliot: That's not a real one! Let me see it.

Ryan: [gives the card to him] I swear, it is.

Elliot: Omigosh. How do you keep a name like that? Cheeseman? Why wouldn't you get it legally changed?

Justin: Maybe his first ancestor was the local dairy man. "Hey! It's the Cheeseman! How you doing Cheesy?"

[They're still organizing]

Elliot: (holding up a card) Get a load of this last name. "Killpack."

Justin: (acting) "Well, I'm gonna go whack a couple of people. I better take my 'killpack.' ...It's like when you're at Mafia orientation they tell you, 'okay, here's your baseball bat, your Mafia ring, and your killpack."

Paul: (chuckling) No, it's like the new-age word for a cowboy posse. "We're gonna round us up a 'killpack' and we're gonna catch these fugitives. I rustled up a nice killpack and we're gonna be gone for a couple days, but that's the job of a good killpack."

Ryan: (holding up a new card; laughing) Oh! Oh my! Hahahahaha! Oh goodness!

Justin: What? What is it?

Ryan: (laughing hard) Heheheheh! Oh, I can't take it!

Elliot: Give me that card! [takes the card from Ryan]

[Ryan starts to wipe tears away and laugh lighter]

Elliot: This isn't funny. I don't even know how to read it. It's like Indian or Mongolian or something.

Paul: (takes the card) Gimme it. "Bih...bih." What's the deal? I don't get it.

Justin: (takes the card and reads it) Hmm...yeah, Ryan I don't get it either.

Ryan: (fighting the giggles) Are you...kidding me? (takes the card) It doesn't look like anything but I'll read it to you how it's pronounced. "Bigbooty." (breaks out in laughter).

[everyone laughs]

Elliot: (laughing) Bigbooty? Omigosh!

Justin: (laughing) Man, you have to stay in shape with that last name. If your name is Bigbooty and you have a big booty, than it over. There's no hope for you getting out of high school alive.

Paul: (laughing) It'd be like a guy with the last name "Shnoz" having a huge nose!

Elliot: Just think of a lady with this last name. "Excuse me, Mrs. Bigbooty? Your table's ready."

Ryan: Or a kid on a football team. The coach is like "Bigbooty! Get your...booty over here!"

Paul: Or the announcer for the team. (announcer voice) "The run was stopped by Bigbooty. Hard hit by Bigbooty. No one can stop Bigbooty!"

[Everyone laughs like crazy. Then everyone settles down. And then there's a weird silence. The silence lasts a while and the boys are now quietly working]

Justin: How do we transition from what just happened? I mean, do we just wipe the tears away and then say, "So, did you see the game last night."

Paul: Yeah, I don't know. But it's really awkward right now--we were all just laughing and acting hysterical...but now what?

Elliot: Maybe we should just act like nothing ever happened.

Ryan, Elliot, Paul: Okay. That sounds good. etc.

[pause]

Ryan: So Paul, how's that whole girlfriend-thing doing?

Paul: Oh, it's doing. I think we might love each other deeply.

Justin: What? Have you guys talked about this "deep love"?

Paul: ...no. But she asked me to keep her cell phone in my pocket the other day.

Elliot: Have you guys even talked about your level of commitment?

Paul: What do you mean?

Elliot: See there are levels you have to get to in order to be able to say certain things. Like if you're on a semi-committed level you can say things like "you mean a lot to me," and "there's no one hotter than you."

Paul: Ew, that's a good one. I think we might be on semi-committed ground.

Justin: Well, this might be something you'd want to discuss.

Paul: We're going to a demolition derby tonight in her hometown to watch her brother run his heap-o-crap car into other people...or whatever they do, I could talk to her then.

Elliot: Hey, Justin and I are going to that!

Justin: Yeah, it's gonna rock!

Elliot: Dude, your girlfriend is from Hickville, U.S.A. They have like 12 people in that town.

Paul: Yeah, we'll probably be the only one's there with our high school diplomas or equivalences. But we'll be left out when it come to scars, tattoes memoralizing Dale Earnhart, and missing teeth.

Ryan: (looking into the hallway) Hey! There's that girl from the office across the hall! Holy Scrap she's hot.

Elliot: Why don't you go over there and ask her out? You guys have talked on the phone when you've transferred calls haven't you?

Ryan: Oh yeah. And you could say that our conversations were...intense, if you know what I mean.

Justin: (pause) Ryan, I don't think there's a guy in this room that knows what you mean.

Ryan: Let's just say that she's diggin' me for sure. Oh she's diggin' me all right, but she's special....I gotta do something different this time. Of course, she hasn't actually seen me, but I don't think that'll be a problem.

Paul: (sarcastic) Oh, of course not. Who even wants to see who's asking them out?

--

[later that night in an arena where Paul and his girlfriend (Carla) are sitting. They're surrounded by people with mullets and cut-off flannel shirts drinking beer while cars are flying around the arena hitting each other]

Paul: So, uh...did you know that there's no one hotter than you?

Carla: (uninterested) Thank you. Man, my brother's doing great!

Paul: (looking at the arena) Is that driver supposed to be on fire? I really think someone should help him--it's pretty disturbing.

Carla: They usually give it 'til the end of the round.

Paul: (uneasy) It looks like he's in quite a bit of pain. (pause; then relieved) Oh, there he goes...he's rolling on the ground. Whew, that was close huh?

Carla: (uninterested) Yeah.

Arena Announcer: (way too excited) Well ladies and gents! Looks like we gots ourselfs a good ol' fashioned derby match! Git yer butts in gear fo' some mo' cars hittin' other cars--here comes round 3!

Paul: Carla, I think we should talk about 'us'. About where we stand, ya know?

Carla: (interested) You do? Me too.

Paul: (cautious) Okay...how 'bout you go first.

Carla: Paul, you're a really nice guy and I have fun with you...but I think that things either need to get better or we need to go our separate ways.

Paul: (nervous) What do you mean? How can they get better?

Carla: Paul, I just think that there's one problem in our relationship. Only one, I swear.

Paul: (nearly frantic) What? What is it?

Carla: You're just too outspoken.

Arena Announcer: Oh no! Looks like Ben Cusword is really hurt.

Carla: (really upset) Oh no! That's my brother!

Paul: Yeah, he looks fine. His shoulder will probably pop itself back in if he keeps jumping around like that. Now when you say 'outspoken' does that mean I talk too much or I talk too little?

[Carla is ignoring Paul]

Announcer: Folks that's a first rate compound fracture there. If we could have one of his family members down here pronto we'd appreciate it. Ladies, you might not want to let yer youngins look at this one.

Carla: I have to go Paul! I'll be right back!

Paul: But the outspokeness! I can talk more...or less, which ever!

[Carla leaves and Paul looks around frantically. Everyone around him has mullets and beer]

Paul: (to the guy next to him) Hey buddy, do you know what 'outspoken' means?

Guy: Huh? Out smokin'? I guess it's when you go outside for a smoke.

Paul: No...I said--whatever. (turns to another guy) Hey, you wouldn't happen to know what 'outspoken' means would you?

Guy 2: I's pretty sure it means when you's arguing and somebody argue's louder than you does--you got 'outspoken.'

Paul: (sarcastic) Is that right? Okay, I got a question for you--did your labotomy hurt much?

Guy 2: (confused) What'd you call me?

Paul: (to himself) Are these people for real? I always thought that dang Jeff Foxworthy was just telling really unfunny jokes. Okay, think. C'mon man. ....Oh I don't know! Arg! ...Wait! Justin and Elliot! They're here--and they bathe regularly, I should be able to spot them easy!

[Paul stands up and scans the crowd. Finally he sees Justin and Elliot and frantically runs down the bleachers to them]

Justin: Hey! There's our pal! Did you see when that guy kicked the back of his own head on accident?

Paul: Guys! I need you bad! Carla just left after she told me that I was too outspoken and that it's really ruining our relationship. I gotta find out what outspoken means before she gets back or it's over!

Elliot: Easy. It means that you're too shy. You're outspoken if someone speaks instead of you.

Paul: Yes! Oh, I love you! Thanks.

Justin: Wait, that's not what it means. It means you talk too much. If you're outspoken you're speaking out.

Paul: ARG! This is bad! (sad) This is no good.

[Paul goes back to where he was sitting]

Justin: You're totally wrong man.

Elliot: No I'm not.

Justin: I'll bet you you're wrong.

Elliot: How would we know?

Justin: I'll call Coralie--she'll look it up.

Elliot: You're on. But whoever loses has to do something crazy.

Justin: (thinks) Okay, what about this? They have sneak into one of the derby cars and see if they can ride in the derby!

Elliot: (pauses) You...are the smartest man I know!

--

to be continued

Episode 5: Naming Names (continued)

[In the Registration Office with Elliot, Paul, and Ryan. Justin is just walking in]

Ryan: Are you sure?

Elliot: Positive.

Paul: Are you kidding? If that happened to me I'd jump on that like a puma on a sick deer.

Justin: What you talking about?

Elliot: This girl in Ryan's class was practically begging him to ask her out and he didn't even realize what was going on.

Justin: What'd she say?

Ryan: Well she asked me what my plans were for the weekend, and when I said 'nothing' she told me that she didn't have any either.

Justin: Oh yeah, you blew it buddy. That was a clear set up.

Paul: But it doesn't stop there. She asked him when the last time he went on a date was and then she told him that she hadn't been on one for a month! And then she said she 'really wanted to go out this weekend'!

Justin: And you didn't ask her out? Did she look like a cocker spaniel or something--what's wrong with you?

Ryan: I don't know, she was hot and...I just didn't think about it.

Justin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. She was hot...and you didn't think about it? Ryan, you've got the whole system backwards. It's the hot ones that you think about dating. That's the whole point of attractiveness.

Elliot: Justin, you are a lumberjack. Which reminds me, are you gonna come to class with me tonight ?

Justin: Oh yeah.

Elliot: Have you thought about what you'll say to my Professor?

Justin: Elliot, with bullies you just have to allow them the opportunity to look like an idiot. Now my job is to be there to facilitate that opportunity. That's all. It's a simple process. Of course if he doesn't cooperate we'll have to attack his personal insecurities.

Ryan: Well, that's it man. I'm gonna ask this girl out today. I won't even think twice about it. When I know there's a girl out there that likes me I'm like a fox in a hen house...I take full advantage. If you know what I mean. Heh heh.

Paul: Ryan, you're freakin' me out man. You sound really creepy right now. A 'fox in the hen house'? C'mon.

Ryan: Well, I didn't mean--

Paul: If I had a daughter I'd punch you.

Ryan: No, I just...okay, I'm not a fox I'm like a rooster in a hen house.

Paul: Oh, so you'll just strut around the hen house picking off innocent hens for your own amusement and pleasure?

Ryan: OKAY! I'll just be a boy and I'll ask the flippin' girl out! Flip! ...But I will turn on my old lady-lovin' skills.

Paul: That's fine with me, but remember that when you start into flirt-mode you get all weird. The normal nice guy is thrown out and you turn into a greasy 40 year old with chest hair coming out of the top of his buttoned-down shirt and a gold chain around his neck.

Ryan: Trust me...it works, okay?

--

[Paul on the same street walking home. The man in the wheelchair rolls up. The street is busy with many pedestrians.]

Paul: YOU!

Man: (scared) Uh...what are you doing out? I thought they locked you up?

Paul: I oughtta punch you right in the head!

[Pedestrians look at him with concerned looks]

Man: (faking innocence; loudly) What? Punch an old cripple? Why, I don't even have any legs!

Paul: (irate) Oh that's right, you're a big war hero! Well whoopty doo! Everyone feel sorry for the war vetran! I could've been in prison right now on felony charges! Felony!

[Pedestrians look scared as they walk by]

Man: (quietly so only Paul can hear) Well you're the moron that agreed to help carry smuggled alcohol. If you're that dumb you deserve to go to prison.

Paul: (outraged) I ought to roll you down a hill! I'll never help a handicapped man ever again!

[A few large men approach]

Large Pedestrian: Hey you disgusting punk! You better back off or you're gonna get really, really hurt.

Paul: (innocently) Hey listen fellas...I don't want any trouble. I had that guy's smuggled alcohol the other day and then he sicked the police on me and--

Large Pedestrian 2: Well, we're not gonna get the police involved this time.

Man: He said he was going to follow me home and rob me! I'm so scared!

[Paul takes off and the big guys chase him]

Large Pedestrian 3: Don't let him get away!

--

[The classroom with Ryan sitting next to an attractive girl]

Ryan: (trying to be smooth) So...Rachel...what up?

Rachel: Nothing. How are you?

Ryan: Oh, I'm good...now. I'm real good.

Rachel: (confused) That's nice.

Ryan: So...I understand that you have no plans this weekend.

Rachel: Well, me and my roomates were thinking about going camping.

Ryan: (condescending) Camping? Listen, why don't I do you a favor and save you from a lame weekend and take you out tomorrow. You and me, we could go to a drive-in and see what happens.

Rachel: Um...I don't think so.

Ryan: All right...what if we go to the gym and you can watch me work my pecs?

Rachel: How 'bout not?

Ryan: (snapping out of his lady-lovin' mode) What? Why? I thought that--

Rachel: You know you're really creeping me out.

Ryan: No, see I'm really not--

Rachel: I'm gonna go now. I thought you were a nice guy yesterday.

[She gets up and leaves]

Ryan: (to himself) I should've asked her to feel my biceps. ...Dang it!

--

[in the classroom with Elliot and Justin. Professor Spink (who looks like Sigmund Freud) is in front of the class]

Professor Spink: So...I see that Forrest Gump decided to bring Bubba with him to class. What's your name Bubba?

Justin: (tough-guy mode) Terk.

Professor: What'd you say?

Justin: You heard me. ...And you?

Professor: I'm Professor Spink--professor of Philosophy.

Justin: Well here's a philosophy: don't have a name that makes you sound like you're a muppet.

[kids laugh]

Professor: (defensive) It's Russian! Jerk.

Justin: Is it Russian? Or Fraggle? Are you from Fraggle Rock, Sigmund?

[kids laugh]

Professor: (acting oblivious) Sigmund? I'm sorry but I don't know what you're talking about.

Justin: Are you kidding me? Beside the fact that you reek of Superego, your obviously caught in the anal fixation stage.

Professor: Well you probably don't even know what Freud's 'Id' really is anyway.

Justin: I know enough to tell that you were so repressed you hit puberty when you were 24.

[kids laugh]

Professor: (super defensive) At least I'm not the one with a loser for a friend...loser!

Justin: Okay, that hurt the first time I heard it...when I was in 2nd grade.

[kids laugh]

Professor: Well you probably were a loser in 2nd grade!

Justin: Is that the best you got, Spinkter?

Professor: I hate you Jerk! [runs out]

--

[somewhere on the street Paul walks up to Ryan. Paul has a black eye and his clothes are roughed up]

Ryan: What happened to you?

Paul: I got beat up. That same guy in the wheelchair sicked his goons on me.

Ryan: And they punched you in the head?

Paul: Yeah.

Ryan: Are you sure?

Paul: I think I would know if I was getting slammed in the head by 6 guys with bowling balls for fists! Anyway, you taking that girl out tomorrow?

Ryan: Uh...no. Not really.

Paul: You were a rooster weren't you? You creeped her out didn't you?

Ryan: (ashamed) ...yeah.

Paul: C'mon man...let's go get your mind off of it.

Ryan: Can we go to the high school football game and flirt with girls?

Paul: See that's creepy. I know you're a good kid--so why do you get creepy?

Ryan: I don't know...I don't want to be creepy.

Paul: I know buddy. I know.

the end

Episode 5: Naming Names

Paul: So if you could rename yourself what name would you choose?

Justin: Probably Terk.

Ryan: Terk?

Justin: Yeah, it's a tough guy name. I'd be instantly given a tough guy image.

Elliot: But what if someone can't hear too well and they ask you your name? When you tell them they might think that you called them 'jerk.'

Justin: Like I said--I'd be tough. What would you choose?

Elliot: Oh Ebeneezer von Bennett for sure.

Ryan: What? Why?

Elliot: It sounds like a 19th century inventor. I'd be mistaken for some intelligent dude.

Justin: Mistaken for sure.

Paul: Ryan what would you choose?

Ryan: Oh I'm content to be Ryan. My name is concise, confident, and cool.

Paul: But say you had to change your name--absolutely had to, what would you choose.

Ryan: (pause) Bryan.

Paul: That's original. Well maybe I'll go by Tall, or Ball, or maybe Wall.

Elliot: Or you could go by Maul. Like, "I could maul that guy." You'd be tough, like Terk over here.

Paul: (looks at his watch) Well, I'm off. I'll see you guys tomorrow.

Elliot: Yeah, I gotta get to class.

Ryan: Me too. I can't believe it's the first day of fall semester already.

--

[Elliot in a classroom of 25 students. The professor looks like Sigmund Freud.]

Professor: I am Professor Spink and this is Philosophy 115: Deep Thought in American Culture. I'll go ahead and call roll. If you want to go by another name--your middle name or what have you, just tell me.

[Elliot gets the "that gives me an idea" look]

[A little later]

Professor: (calling roll) 'Elliot McMillan'.

Elliot: (raises hand) Right here. But I go by Ebeneezer von Bennett.

Professor: Excuse me?

Elliot: (confidently) Ebeneezer...von...Bennett.

Professor: Is that your alias?

[students laugh]

Elliot: No. That's my name. It's quite prestigious.

Professor: Well, dummy, that's the most irrelevant thing I've ever heard--idiot.

[kids laugh]

Elliot: It's just something I go by. You know, like the 19th century inventor.

Professor: Oh, did he invent the moron or did you?

[kids laugh]

Professor: Let me ask you Ebeneezer, did you ever get beat up as a kid?

Elliot: No. At least not that I can remember.

Professor: Well if anyone could forget about being punched in the head, it'd be you...loser. (acting like a really dumb Elliot) 'Duh...is someone pounding their fists into my head? Hmm...I can't tell because I have the same IQ as a bottle of glue.'

[kids laugh hard]

--

[Paul's walking home along a semi-busy street. A man in his 50's rolls up in a wheelchair. He has no legs and looks like he may be homeless.]

Man: Hey man, you think you could help me with something? I'd really appreciate it.

Paul: Oh, for sure. I'll help you.

Man: I just need you to carry this bag of groceries to my house. It's just a block up from here.

Paul: No problem...I'm in no hurry.

[they roll and walk toward his house]

Paul: So are you a war veteran or something?

Man: A war veteran? Why does everyone ask me that?

Paul: I don't know, I just figured...nothing--I don't know.

Man: Cause I have no legs? Is that it?

Paul: (acting mildly shocked) Oh...yeah. Huh...you don't have any legs....look at that. No that's not it at all, in fact I didn't even notice until you just mentioned it now. You just look tough like you may have fought in a war or something. (he glares at Paul) You know, like a General, or a colonel even. It's just a weathered, warrior toughness that you can just...sense.

[A policeman pulls up in his squad car]

Policeman: Hey James. How are you doing?

Man: (nervous) Hello officer. I'm fine. No problems here.

Policeman: (getting out of his car) Well why don't we just see about that? You wouldn't happen to have any of that illegal Peruvian tequila in your possession would you?

Man: Oh no officer.

Policeman: (scanning the man with his eyes) You know that stuff's illegal. It can inebriate a horse with one tablespoon. It's like drinking jet fuel.

Man: I know, I'd never have that stuff in my possession of my own free will and choice. (he nods towards Paul).

Policeman: (to Paul) You wouldn't know anything about this would you pal?

Paul: What? Of course not? I was just--

Policeman: (grabs the paper grocery bag in Paul's hand) And what do we have here?

[pulls out the Peruvian liquor]

Man: He's my dealer officer! I told you I'd deliver and I did!

Paul: What?! This is the thanks I get for helping you out?!

Policeman: (grabs Paul) All right big boy, you've peddled the last of your South American hot water.

[he cuffs Paul]

--

[back at the office with Justin, Ryan, Paul, and Elliot]

Ryan: Wow. I can't believe that.

Paul: Yeah, it was a set up. The guy told the officer that he'd lead him to his supplier. So when I said, "This is what I get for helping you out?" the officer took that as a confession.

Justin: Good thing your father is a judge.

Paul: Yeah, I explained it to him and he pulled some strings. I'll tell you what, that's the last time I ever help the handicapped.

Ryan: (to Elliot) So how was your class?

Elliot: It sucked! I went and used my new name--ya know, Ebeneezer von Bennett--and then my Professor made fun of me all hour.

Justin: No offense, but that name makes fun of itself.

Elliot: Well that may be, but this guy went into bully mode. It was like he was Biff and I was George McFly. It reminded me of fifth grade when the girls would yell, "Smelly Ellie with the big pot-belly."

Justin: What you need is a bully protector.

Elliot: What do you mean?

Justin: Someone who is so cynical and so sarcastic that he'll meet any taunts with fury and emotional scarring.

Elliot: Well how in the world do I get one of those?

Ryan: Elliot, do you realize who you're talking to? Justin is a lumberjack--he can cut anyone down. He's a metaphorical Paul Bunyan.

Justin: I have done quite a bit of bully repelling work...mostly in high school. But it is a gift that I've been given.

Elliot: I need you man. I can't take this guy on. C'mon, just come to class with me tonight.

Justin: (pause) Oh all right. I guess I could use some entertainment.

to be continued