• Barack Obama has taken a 9 point lead in the polls leading to the New Hampshire primaries tomorrow. Upon hearing this, Hillary Clinton responded: "Yes, it's true that Obama has risen in the polls, but you know what else has risen? My artificial eyebrows . . . so, you know." I'm not sure what she was intending by that statement, but oh well.

• Roger Clemens recently held a press conference to assert his innocence with regard to performance enhancing drugs. I quote Roger: "I hate drugs. I hate the fact that they help your career when you're aging so bad your team doesn't want you anymore. I hate that they make you mad enough to throw a broken bat at Mike Piazza. I hate that they make me so mad that I WILL KILL YOU ALL! ARG!!!!" He then turned into the Hulk and threw a trash can at a reporter.
• Many don't know that Republican presidential hopeful Mike Huckabee believes that evolution is a myth. He also believes that life begins at conception. This seemed odd to me, so in an in-depth personal interview with Huckabee, he also revealed to me that he didn't believe in cavemen, Harry Potter, NASA, DNA, twenty dollar bills, magma, and baseball. But who can blame him for not believing in baseball? Not me, that's for sure.
• In a closing note, Brittney Spears was taken to the hospital because they found an astonishingly large tumor in the part of her brain that controls sanity, so . . . you know, it really explains a lot.
  

Queries and Observations

• Here's a list of things that I think Tony Blair should consider, now that he's out of office as Britain's Prime Minister: 1) the new host of The Price Is Right. I can picture it now: Tony with that long mic, asking what the contestants bid is . . . actually, come to think of it, I can picture anyone doing that. Bob Barker was a sham of a host! Anyway, 2) Paris Hilton's spokesperson (by the way, how does someone become a celebrity spokesperson? And how is that a legitimate job? To put it in an informal way, it's really just talking for someone.). Tony would stay in the public eye and he'd always have something to say--though it might be a personal hit going from addressing Parliment about the ethical implications of the war in Iraq, to talking to Access Hollywood about how Paris wants to put out another album. 3) (I think this is the one he should do) He could be on the show on the Discovery channel Man vs. Wild (where a guy is dropped off in a remote location and has to find food and eventually his way to civilization). I can picture it now: Tony is in the middle of the Himilayan mountains looking into the camera and talking about how he would rather be doing peace talks in Lebanon right now.
• Bruce Willis has a new movie coming out called Live Free of Die Hard. I've gotta be honest, I don't think this is a good role for Bruce. He's more adept at playing sensitive, caring characters who don't shoot guns to get attention, they talk about it. Of course, I may be confusing him with Hugh Grant, but they both can't really act so I'm not sure which is which.
• Oh yeah, Paris Hilton was released from jail. She was in jail, I don't know if that was known, but apparently she was in jail for fraud, or defamation of her character, or something weird like that. But she was released after serving 23 days of her 40 day sentence. Upon leaving jail she was quoted as saying: "Jail has really changed me. I mean, instead of saying 'that's hot,' from now on I'm going to say 'that's criminal,' which will be so hot--I mean, criminal! Heh heh. Anyway, I'm also going to live each day like it's my last, meaning that I'll just party and hangout with celebrities and stuff like that from now on." After this statement was made, in a not-so-surprising-move, Los Angeles prosecutors began a push for the death penalty for Hilton.
• In a related story, the world is coming to an end. That's right folks, scientists have proven that the world will soon come to an end--meaning that "all hell will soon break loose, and we will reap the whirlwind," to quote renound scientist Herbert Shultz of Yale University. With global warming, Paris Hilton's release from prison, intense religious conflict, and Bob Barker's retirement, it's very safe to say the world is coming to an end. So spend your money, kiss your wife, and eat as much junk food as you want because (like the picture) the world will soon catch fire.

Queries and Observations

• In a recent interview Britney Spears admitted she had "hit rock bottom." But few people realize that she continued that statement by saying: ". . . two years ago."
• Dr. Jack Kevorkian, a.k.a., Dr. Death, is being released from prison after serving 8 years of a 10-25 year sentence, and I have a few people who I would love to send his way: 1) Paris Hilton--she's not necessarily in agony but the rest of us are in agony because of her, so it's definitely a mercy killing; 2) Barry Bonds--he's been mercilessly hounded by the media about his alleged use of steroids that he needs a way to escape it--I wonder if Dr. K's machine reacts negatively with "soy protein"; 3) the cast of Studio 60--talk about putting one out of their misery; 4) Rudolph Guiliani--he's been slipping in the polls and I think that a mercy killing would be a clever tactic for him to move up in the polls; and 5) Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell--see explanation for Paris Hilton.
• The FBI has asked MySpace.com to hand over any information they may have on sexual predators. In an attempt not to sound defensive, MySpace.com responded: "What are you trying to say? Huh? For your information, we do NOT promote that kind of thing . . . we merely foster the perfect tool for accomplishing sexual predation." MySpace, I don't believe you.
• NFL star Michael Vick has been identified as a major player in the underground dogfighting circuit by multiple witnesses. In response to these allegations Vick responded: "Sure I might watch an occasional dogfight. But is casually participating in illegal activity a crime? If so, you might as well arrest me for embezzlement, lewd acts in public, assault with a deadly weapon, robbing a liquor store, identity theft, running an underground dogfighting ring, and possession of drugs--with intent to sell. But you don't see me arrested for those things, do you?" He makes a good point.
  
• Cindy Sheehan, a anti-war protestor whose son died in the war in Iraq, has finally given up her protest. When asked why she quit, she responded: "After seeing how stubborn President Bush is regarding the war, I realized that I should be fighting againgst things that are easier to change. That's why I'm now protesting about which religion is truest, what tooth paste is best, and how much infinity is."

Game Topic: Zoo Animals

There are a few things that Zoos should never have. First is horses. I've been to a zoo where they've had horses and I felt like I was ripped off. I don't want to go to a farm, I want to go to a zoo. I can imagine the conversation between the zoo administrators: "So we can't get the Mongolian white tigers?" "Nope, guess we'll have to go with the next best thing--horses!" Smart fellas, real smart.

The second thing that zoos should never have is trains. Almost every zoo has a train ride that makes every person on it over the age of 3 feel stupid. Look at this picture--even the kids on the back feel stupid.You know what they ought to have instead of trains? Bumper cars. They should rig the zoo to have bumper cars to get around--you get to slam other zoo patrons while you look at Rhinos--how is that not awesome!

The third thing that zoos should never have is starving animals. I went to a zoo once where there was a bear that looked like it hadn't had a good meal since it was a bearcub.I want some glam-animals. Dress them up in leather animal-pants, and have them perform--jumping through hoops or eating convicts or something.

There are plenty of things that zoos across the world should be doing to ensure that they don't suck. Here are a few more ideas to help them out--have the food court in the middle of the alligator pit. You're standing in line ordering a $12 hot dog, and unknowingly an alligator is floating up to you--looking like a log--the next thing you know you're trying to keep your hot dog above water while the alligator is dragging you under. Tell me that wouldn't spice up the food court.
The next thing that zoos should have are 3D displays--equipped with those cool blue/red plastic glasses. This would make the following animals not only tolerable but exciting: flamingos, zebras, tucans, sloths but NOT horses!
The last thing that every zoo should move to is free gorilla rides. I'm surprised this hasn't taken off yet. What could be more fun that riding a gorilla while it swings through the trees? Nothing that I can think of. I had this idea while watching Tarzan, and it was an epiphany that is going to change the world of zoos forever.

Game 4 topic: Glass

I was sitting with unfamiliar people at the dinner table, which usually is no big deal, but today was Thanksgiving and there wasn't a relative around. I looked to my left, where a 60 year old man, with a wickedly bushy mustache was trying to explain to me how the government was trying to keep him from retiring. Needless to say, I was really, really bored.
I'm not against useless conversation with people who I don't know, but I am against having to act like I like it.
Anyway, back to the story . . . I was definitely eyeing the stuffing (a personal all-time favorite), and trying to avoid having to look interested. Earlier in the day the mother of the house had been bragging about her family recipe for rolls and how this year was the first year her daughter would be making them. This was a conversation I was actually interested in because it directly affected the amount of food I would be ingesting--self-interested, I know, but it was Thanksgiving and that's what Thanksgiving means to me.
I eventually got to the greatest moment in life: the point where food is in front of you, ready to be eaten. I dove right in and quickly realized that this was a feast. I was like a horse in a parade with blinders on--all I could see was the food in front of me--though I was in the midst of a whirlwind of meaningless conversation.
And then came the famous rolls. You usually don't expect a roll to look particularly appetizing, but these "legendary" rolls truly looked fabulous. I grabbed one and took a huge bite, noticing that the daughter who had made them was looking at me waiting for any sort of approval for her culinary efforts. But shortly after biting into the roll, I felt a very distinct crunch. I decided to chew through it, thinking that maybe if it was like a piece of crusty bread or something like that I wouldn't have to draw attention to myself and ruin the daughter's life by telling her she'd screwed up the family tradition. But as I chew the crunched item was splitting and grinding--that's never good when it comes to food.
Realizing that this situation was serious, I shamelessly started to dig through the soggy, chewed-up bread in my mouth. Those who hadn't been watching me eat the roll (everyone but the daughter) started to notice what I was doing.
Finally I found the pieces of whatever I had been crunching and grinding on. I pulled it out: glass. I had been chewing glass.
"Is that glass?!" The mother seemed horrified. She shot a glare over at her daughter who was humiliated.
I could explain the outcomes on the daughter, mother, and everyone else, but I'd like to focus on the fact that I chewed glass! What the crap is glass doing in a dinner roll? Does this family's family recipe for dinner rolls call for 1 part flour, 2 parts beer bottle? How do you respond to that? "Oh it's no big deal, last year I had a hypodermic needle in my yams"? No. You can't come back from chewing glass. Thanksgiving shouldn't be the time when you give thanks that you don't have to try to digest shards of glass.